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Joined: May 2004
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I have not been to this forum for months. Everything has been going so well with FBH and I. I felt it was unnecessary and I am sorry, but a little depressing to keep up with reading posts here.

But I here I am again.

Recovery has been going so well. In July DH and I went on a vacation...a lovely tropical one week vacation with no kids! And we decided to begin our trying for another baby.

Exactly four weeks later, I have a stick with two pink lines. We are so happy and amazed it happened so quick. This is what we want. Another little one to share our love and enhance our family. DH said he misses the kids being babies and is looking forward to holding another little one.

This all happened a week ago. And I have noticed DH has been more "emotional" lately. Getting lost in his thoughts. When I ask him what is going on, he admits he is having more flashbacks of the affair.

Said he is not ready yet to talk to me about it.

Admits that he is scared our life will somehow go back to the way it was with both of us running around.

Asks me if I am SURE he is the one in my heart, forever.

I have been doing more and more for him this week. Trying to ease his fears, meet his needs. We have been talking, hugging, crying, laughing. I am trying so hard to assure him that yes, he is in my heart forever, and that yes, I really do want to have another child with him.

I thought we were so past all of this...but now that I am pregnant it seems to be a step back???

Today he said he needed to ask me about somethink that happened during my FW days, a peice of the puzzle he needs to put it together. I thought we had the puzzle together by now?

But of course I want him to ask me for what he needs. And I want to give him what he needs. It was about the day...the "d day"...the night he found me with OM, he wants to know if I went to his house to have sex with him that night and did we have sex?

Everyone, believe me, it was a long time ago. I cannot remember if I had sex with him that night. I know why I went to OM's house that night and it wasn't for sex.

Questions are: Is this normal for my DH to be having a setback like this now?

How can I answer him that I cannot remember, without it sounding like I am just putting him off?

Why does he need to know this? Any BH out here that understand this?

Thank you,
Ellen

FWW-me
FBH-him
d day-12/03
NC-3/04
3 DD (7,4,3)
edd 4/29/05

<small>[ September 02, 2004, 09:43 AM: Message edited by: momof3bychoice ]</small>

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bump for some help...please...anyone?

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Sounds like your husband is having some uncertainty.

I too sometimes have to cycle through these thoughts...although ultimately I don't voice them, because really..none of the info will help me, and really isn't central to any issue I may have..it's just my mind running amuck. He has likely been triggered by something. Possibly but not necessarily your pregnancy.

My husband too has a genuinely hard time recalling exactly what was going through his mind at certain pivitol moments..probably because he only recognized them to be pivotal in retrospect. I can accept that as I myself would not have total recall of what I was doing/thinking/saying on any given date..just a vague sort of conglomerate of where I was in general. Add fog on top of this and what you have is a confused mess.

You know..I think that sometimes when a BS is having a heartcry of "WHY?!" we forget to attach the rest of the statement...it would then read "WHY?! can't you go back in time and undo this?" We know it isn't rational, but we really wish that it could be so. We are hurt, and we don't want to hurt anymore. We love you, but it has cost us greatly. We want to know that you appreciate that. That you recognize that, and that you value us as highly as we value you..to be willing to suffer so.

I really don't think you will ever be past this..in the literal sense. I think that his triggers will be less and less frequent..perhaps less powerfull as well..but never truly gone. It is like a death, you know. The grieving process is very similar. You may not be consumed by your loss..but you will never view it as anything but a loss..and sometimes you will feel upset by it as though it had just happened. What he is having isn't necessarily a setback. It isn't even probably a setback. Most likely it is a trigger...just a little reminder for him that the blind security with which he once approached your relationship has been obliterated completely. This is not something that will fade [imo]. He has to reconcile with his new, less emotionally naive reality..in which the failure of your marriage is always an option.

Congrats on your recovery and your pregnancy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
--Noodle

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Congrats to you and Dad. YES, A BABY!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I love babies, and infants, and toddlers, and pre teens, and teens, I need more children.

Mom we are kind of having the same things, except my tubes are tied, and I just wish I had a baby in my belly. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My H is suddenly feeling insecure again. I'm loving him an comforting him, but he is still having triggers.

From what I gather it is normal. They will have flashbacks. Pregnancy is emotional, and with your history, it probably does cause him to have triggers, it is a legitimate Q for him to wonder if you want to share this with him.

Reassure him, answer his Q the best you can. I have tried so hard to forget about the A, I wouldn't be able to remember either. Be honest, try to give him what he is needing.

And I'm so HAPPY, HAPPY, for you.

XO <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> XO

KY

P.S.

I miss you when you are gone, but happy you are making it, and not feeling the need to post

<small>[ August 21, 2004, 06:03 PM: Message edited by: kyellow4 ]</small>

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KY--missed you too! Glad you found your way to my thread!!

I believe that the pregnancy has been a trigger, you are right. And I accept that. I try to give value to all of his feelings he is having, but having to talk about the "why and how" and "what were you thinking when..." is very hard for me. Not hard because I am trying to hide anything from him, just hard because I am so shameful of the awful things I was capable of doing (and did).

And he wants to know the how's and why's.

And I need to tell him.

Noodle--

We love you, but it has cost us greatly. We want to know that you appreciate that. That you recognize that, and that you value us as highly as we value you..to be willing to suffer so.

Thank you for these words, written so well. I see that in him. Just recognizing, appreciating, and willingness to suffer has sent us in great strides. I am again going to do this tonight.

To recognize the price he has paid.

To appreciate how much he values "us" and our family.

To tell him I will continue to do whatever is necessary for this recovery, no matter what the price or suffering.

I hope this helps him with the trigger. He is haunted by the night he found me at OM's house. I wish I could erase the memory. I cannot. I feel powerless. I feel frustrated.

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When you say that he is haunted..you are correct.

I too am haunted..the imagery..the betrayal.

What is important to remember about hauntings..is that what haunts you is the reality of what was ...not what is or what will be. It so often feels less like the ache of an old wound than the paroxysm of a new and possibly mortal one when you have been triggered. It is similar I suppose to post traumatic stress...the trauma is past, but feels present.

Unfortunately the only power you had..was to choose not to inflict the wound in the first place..I'm sure that doesn't make the frustration any less though. Please just continue to be patient...he really will never get over this..you will just have to build around it. You can have an excellent future..but it will never be what it would have been sans affair. I'm so sorry that this action has lasting consequences..and that they are so severe. I do wish it were otherwise.

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momof3
How could you not remember
i remember everything about that night.
i remember 3 days before and 3 days after.
i remember Christmas day being asked to put the camera down, "your missing everything".
At that time in my life it was my last Christmas
with my family and i was being replaced. I felt i was trying everthing to show my love for you, but nothing mattered.The minute i left for work you had the kids packed up going somewhere.I knew exacily where you and the kids were because of the echo on the cell phone. It made me sick and there was nothing i could do about it.And finding out about other outside relationships over the course of two half years.I feel like a Big Boob! Leting me shake OM hand in friendship!

Sometimes I think about doing it back on you. But I love you to much to put you through the hurting pain I went through.

Babydoll, I know we are different people now,we both see things in a whole new way. Please understand I need to get this off my chest so we can continue on. We are on the right path! I want to move on we have come a long way "miles". I love you more then life itself i think of you none stop through out everyday. I am so excited about our growing family!

<small>[ September 02, 2004, 12:39 AM: Message edited by: dadof3bychoice ]</small>

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{{{{{mom&dad}}}}}

Dad, I'm so wanting to forget everything, not out of disrespect for my H feelings, but for the better of myself.

NO, because I'm a big old fat chicken I guess <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and don't ever want to face the facts of what I did, so If I forget, I don't have to own up.

I do take responsibility for my actions, I just don't want to face them on a daily basis. I don't want to see that ugly side of me again. I don't want the reminders. I hate, I mean HATE, discussing it.

The pain it caused, the things we missed out on, the things we gave up, the changes we had to make, it is all a reminder of my screw up. It is hard to swallow.

Mom is trying to recover her inner self. She is trying to heal. I'm sorry this is painful for you, and for my own H. Please remember she is in pain also, she compromised all her beliefs, and not only destroyed herself, but her family as well.

She will recover, and so will your M, it will just take time.

Meanwhile, feed her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Pizza, chocolate, pickles, ice cream, anything she wants.

KY

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it hurst so much. really hurts. real pain. it makes me sick to my stomach.

"I don't want to see that ugly side of me again. I don't want the reminders." me too, KY, me too...do i have to look at it again, see my ugliness, my hatred, see how terrible i treated the one man who has ever really loved me, the one man who has given me all of his soul to love or destroy.

real pain. and very real tears now.

"The pain it caused, the things we missed out on, the things we gave up, the changes we had to make, it is all a reminder of my screw up. It is hard to swallow." KY and dadof3, i have been trying so hard to avoid looking at the pain i caused, because it hurt too much. i didn't want the reminder of my screw up. i know that is a cowardly way to behave, but i am hurting so bad for what i became, i was no longer even myself. i was worthless.

"Mom is trying to recover her inner self. She is trying to heal." is this possible KY? am i ever going to recover my inner self. can i ever heal, if remembering the horror is what i need to do at anytime dadof3 needs me to remember it? i just wnat to foregt it and move on. i don't want to remember what it looked like, so i will never need to look like it again.

"Please remember she is in pain also, she compromised all her beliefs, and not only destroyed herself, but her family as well."dadof3...sweetie, i am in pain also. i know it is not the same as your pain. but it hurts.

i lost myself. i compromised all of my beliefs.

i destroyed what i loved most. i lost everything. i never even thought of the children only myself. i never thought of you, only myself. but the self part of me wasn't even there.

i remeber last christmas too. i remember how loving you were. i remember how perfect you were. i was a monster for what i did. i have no excuses. only the deepest remorse. it is hurting all over again. the wounds are so fresh still.

i remeber how loving you were and how i felt i did not deserve a man as good as you. i was sure if you found out all of my ugliness you would hate me. i felt not worthy of your good love. i wanted to be good enough for you.

am i? worthy still? good enough still?

do i? deserve your love still?

perhaps not. and that really scares the sh*t out of me.

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Momof3 and Dadof3,

I am reading this and many thoughts go through my head. A new child is coming and while it is not your first "of3" right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> it is a time for introspection.

I won't put words in Dadof3's mouth, but I know everytime my W became pregnant I was delighted and scared to death as well. I feared I would NOT be able to provide enough for the kids and W. I worried about colleges, money, responsibility, even about our marriage (kids do stress a marriage). My fears were not to come to pass, but they were there.

So my question to you Dadof3 is about your anxiety about more responsiblity. Do you have that? If so, it is not surprising that NOW you need more answers from Momof3. Actually, it is NOT surprising even if a new child was coming. But, stop and really think about this.

I say this because the next question is very important for you. What will this new information do for you? Let's now worry for the moment whether she can remember. Let's assume the worst. Then what does that mean for YOUR future, YOUR marriages future, YOUR children's future? How can this information affect how you are going to go forward into the future? That is something for you to decide.

Conversely, let's assume the BEST possible answer. Then what does it mean for YOUR future, YOUR marriages FUTURE, YOUR children's future? How can this outcome help you in going forward?

So I am asking you to consider the importance of her answer. Now if it really is that you are struggling with trust (not surprising by the way), then address the trust issue and NOT worry so much about a specific event. If it is FEAR of the unknown, well...you are not alone on that one my friend. All Momof3 can do is do her best, because she cannot assure you of the future anymore than I can. Too many awful things happen.

One of our nearby neighbors were in a serious auto accident last week. The son seems to be recovering. The Dad had brain surgery and the extent of his permenant damage is unknown. The W is in very very serious shape with brain and severe spinal injuries. The future is NOT assured.

So please step back and really focus on what you need from this information and why. I know honesty is primary among the items. But think about this hard.

Momof3, it seems to me you need to do more than just say you were a bad person. Here is why I think this. You are NOT a bad person or your H would NOT have loved you, married you, had children with you, decided to have another child with you, and still be with you. So he KNOWS you were not bad. His problem is that you ACTED very badly and he struggles with how the person he loves could act that way. He needs to reconcile this within his mind. You need to reconcile this within your mind.

You may not realize this but sort of 'moving on' and not addressing all of this, talking about all of this, sorting this out, will hurt YOU at least as much as it will hurt your H not knowing. It will ulitmately hurt your children because "Mom has issues."

Your H is NOT a counselor, but he is struggling with the same thing you are: How could she? However, the question is not one of blame, but one of understanding. How could she do this when I KNOW she is such a good person? How could I do this when I KNOW I am a good person?

There are answers, not all of them, but some of them and YOU BOTH need to know the same thing for YOUR self-esteem Momof3. So you can be a truely loving and giving W and mother, so you can go forward with the knowledge of how to protect yourself and your family from whatever entrapped you in this mess.

As you can tell I am big on LEARNING. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I don't think pain is required but it is a motivator, but more importantly so is fear. So step back and take another look at what your H is seeking. I think it is the same thing you are seeking. It hurts to look at those times as it should, but it will hurt less if you BOTH sit down and decide to examine this with the eye on understanding HOW COULD... so that you are BOTH protected.

You all this is a team sport and what hurts one hurts the other. What tempts one, hurts the other. You two can help each other.

Dadof3, you can help her by really focusing on why you need any given piece of information. Momof3, you can help him by avoiding the temptation to "move on" but address this from the point of view that it will help you as well.

I am NOT talking about an inquisition here, I am talking about a discussion of what each of you has learned, what each of you regrets, what each of you can do to alleviate the regrets, what each of you can do to help the other, what each of you needs to understand about the other, and more than anyting what each of you can do to nuture the love you two obviously have for one another.

Ok, I aplogize, I will get off my soap box now. I do hope something I have said is of help.

God Bless,

JL

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Momof3

Granted I am 2 years into R, but hopefully I can shed some light onto what Dadof3 MAY be experiencing as I have recently found out that we are to have our third (a surprise).

Now, I hope that I can make sense of my thinking cuz it is a little messed up with the hormones <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . When I found out we were pregnant I was really upset, (emotions all over), we had just said that we were done <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> but well we weren't the poster children of responsibility. I was upset bc in an irrational way I saw this as being trapped. "What if three yrs down the track I was still hurting and decided that I wanted out" "Now I would have three kids to single parent". Don't get me wrong I love my H, we are healing, and we have a stable M; but there are times when the pain (and sometimes anger) pop up. Where there was always the option of an 'out'.

Well they did about 2 days after the test....I was back to asking questions, disecting everything from 2 - 3 yrs back, I was expressing anger (LBing like mad which I hadn't really ever done) My poor H was looking at me and I know he was thinking "Please let this be the hormones talking" But it wasn't. For me, I felt like this is the last time I have to get these negative feelings etc out cuz I want to enjoy this pregancy and not live in pain and agony like I did during my second (DD1 and DD2 and residual contact all during pregnancy). I guess what I am getting at is that there was this need to resolve things AGAIN right or wrong I needed to get things off my chest I wanted peaceful quiet in my head.

Mom, looking at the timeline DD is still pretty recent, pregnancy or not your H is probably asking questions bc he is starting to feel 'safe' enough to ask them. The first yr is filled with ups and downs, and its really hard to understand all the dynamics that go on in the mind of a BS (as it is viceversa). Please be patient with him.

Btw, my edd is April 25 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

AGrace

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Just Learning,

I have to thank you. You always put so much effort and thought into your posts.

"Your H is NOT a counselor, but he is struggling with the same thing you are: How could she? However, the question is not one of blame, but one of understanding. How could she do this when I KNOW she is such a good person? How could I do this when I KNOW I am a good person?"

That is what I am struggling with...the "how could I have done..." Will I ever be able to answer that? Will I ever really know? I have done much introspect. Examined my childhood. Came to terms with issues I thought I was "over" and was not. I know now why I reacted the way I did to certain people and life situations. I have learned different ways to react.

But still, the "how could I?"

"I am NOT talking about an inquisition here, I am talking about a discussion of what each of you has learned, what each of you regrets, what each of you can do to alleviate the regrets, what each of you can do to help the other, what each of you needs to understand about the other, and more than anyting what each of you can do to nuture the love you two obviously have for one another."

This sounds fair and reasonable, and more importantly...necessary. It feels as though want dadof3 asks of me is the "inquisition" and I need the discussion of retrospect.

Dadof3 is working now. I so hope he reads this, because Just Learning, I think he needs to hear these thing from you. I have suggested to him...make sure you know why you need this information...what it is going to do to our marriage, to us. I like the way you have presented it.

Thank you to everyone.

AGrace, how cool, edd's so close. Days apart. XOXO


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