I have come out of the fog and I am desperatly trying to reconnect...but as fate would have it now that I want to try my BW dosn't. Seeing me is just too painful for her. It's only been 10 weeks since D-Day and 6 since NC, but I keep wanting to work on restoring our marriage. I thought we were going to meet at a friends house for dinner tonight but she emailed saying she can't yet. Seeing me brings too many horrible thoughts and ends up with a migraine. Because of that she does not want me to be part of her life right now.

Her request for space in my mind equals more distance and coldness. How can we work on our marriage if she wants distance? How can I quiet all the guilt, blame inside me, and fear that I will lose her? How can I quiet the lonliness and isolation in my spirit. I despartly want to reconnect but it's not going fast enough... I know, it's not been long.

Is this need for space and wanting to push me away normal? What is normal anymore? I just need some insight before I panic.

Your BW has been hurt deeper then she ever knew possible and this is going to take time to get over. You can't force the issue, but you can try to start to met some of her needs. When you see a funny cartoon you think she would like, e-mail it to her. Ask her if there is anything you can do around the house, and volunteer to do it while she is out. Leave some fresh flowers on the door step with a note saying you hope the brighten her day. You can do small things that show her you care.

2scared,

As a BH, I hope I can help you understand what your BW is feeling. When I found out about my W's A, I couldn't stand the sight of her and planned exposure for 3 weeks. All I could think about was that she was going to leave and I was preparing myself mentally to be without her. After I told her that I knew, a few days later she called me home from work and told me that she an OM had decided to end the A for the good of the children (both we and OM have daughters). WW told me that she needed to end the A to determine what she really wanted/needed to do. While this was no commitment to our M (and there still hasn't been that commitment), the potential for that has filled me with more love and attraction for WW than I have felt in a long time.

I see the "movie" in my head of WW and OM together and it hurts me deeply. Right now we still are not staying in the same room and are not acting like a married couple, just living under the same roof and taking care of our daughter. We are trying to communicate more and I am basically waiting for her to decide what she wants. She is in N/C, but she is still very confused. I am still PLAN Aing my a$$ of and want WW to dedicate herself to our M totally.

However, I am a bit afraid of how I am going to feel if I come home one day and WW comes up to me and hugs me and says she is ready to act like my W again. I'm afraid that once I know I can have her, I will fall into a bitterness and not be able to be with her because of what she has done. I'm afraid that right now I am going through a "you always want what you don't have" scenario and if she commits to me and I can have her that I won't want her. I think that there is a very small possibility of that, but it's something I have thought about. Maybe I would have felt that way if she tried to reconnect right away, I don't know.

And while right now, I want more than anything to be able to make love to my W, I am afraid of how it will feel. The thoughts that could go through my head, knowing that someone else has been having sex with her for the past year and a half will be hard to deal with.

While I'm obviously not in your W's head, but she could be going through a form of the same thing. I applaud your open recommitment to your W (and hope I get the same eventually), but she has been hurt deeply and needs your patience to get over it to the point that she can accept your love again.

Most of the posters on this board are in the opposite position as you and more in mine. Most of the tome it seems that the BS has to be the patient one and has to use the PLAN A principles to try to gain the love back. But, you need to do the same thing with patience.

You need to regain her trust and it will take time. It will not be easy, but you must be patient. It's the only way.

Good luck!

While most here are BS, I would like to think of myself as a FWH working desperatly at regaining my M. Weird thing... we are both Christians and know that divorce is not Gods perfect plan. Now that I have repented and am working my own plan A to get back my M, my W is closed up and acting as if she doesn't care if the M works. I know there are consequences for sin, but I also know God's mercy and Grace (now more than ever). I just hope and pray for the grace of God and not the Judgement of God. Just about the time I think God is healing the M, my W takes a step back and I feel alone, isolated and up to my neck. My only peace right now is in the arms of God...heck, He's my only hope. Psalm 27:13 has been my solice. I just want my W and M back...like now! Patience.... yeah, right.

God's mercy and grace are truly miraculous!

BUT your wife has been traumatized (no exageration on that point). She may be so traumatized that it's everything she can do just to get through each day; working on a M may not be possible for her, at this point.

I think it's fantastic that you are back and ready to recover your M, so many wandering spouses never get to the point you are at! Keep in mind that just because you are back and willing to work at the M does not your W is in the same place as you!

Take the suggestions that kloe72 has given you! It will be your actions and choices, from this day onwards, that will determine whether or not your W can forgive and move on.

Slow and steady wins the race!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I am already asking if there is anything I can do to help (she says no).. I have sent cards to brighten her day (she told to to stop sending them).. I have called to ask how her day went (she said she needs space)..

I have always been the romantic one in the relationship...I have to believe that is one reason why she choose me in the begining so I have to find the little things that she will accept.

The one thing that I have been thinking about... I have always done this for me (I love romance). I need to do this for her. It's no longer about me, but her.

I have been reading that in everything I do everyday I must honor and cherish her. Everyday I need to look for ways to honor and cherish her.. even if that is protecting her from the pain by giving her space. YUCK.

One step at a time... Today...because tomorrow is just that.

Maybe she does need space. You know someone explained this to me one time it might just help you.When someone is hurt compare it to a sports injury you can never fix the problem until the swelling goes down. I will be praying for your family.

Thanks 2kidsmom,

I welcome and appreciate your prayers. HE can change her heart.. HE did mine.

Your story sounds so familiar...my cheating H seems to push me further away when I attempt to communicate and discuss working on our marriage. While I read that "space", separation from each other is supposed to help in individual growth, how the heck is that supposed to help rekindle a marriage broken down secondary to infidelity. I think he is purposely acting out on me, telling me about dates with other woman, as means to try to drive me further away. It truly sucks because I no longer even recognize the person I married 3 years ago...am lost as to what I need to be doing and am really losing hope.

I guess what I was trying to say, rather inarticulately, was that you can't control or change anyone but yourself!

You are right in your assumption that if your W has asked for distance you should give it to her. Try to be patient and loving.

The best things in life don't always come easily.

2scared

my wife is a lot like you I think. So much so wanting it all back. Im my case that she consistenly refused to tell me what happened, where or why?
I bet your BW wonders that. She just cant ask to think to much about it now. It hurts TOO much.

Her pain and hurt are so raw the very sight of you, your voice, the little reminders of what she thought you were, are overwhelming triggers to another round of pain.

She may love you still so much but just never be able to accept & forgive what you have done.

Put yourself in her shoes. You find out the wife of your dreams, mother of your children? has been giving her body and thoughts, the most intimate, generous parts of her soul and body, to another man. I'm feeling sick writing this for obvious reasons but I think you need to understand this.

Play the movie of that in your head, over and over, seeing her make love to someone else like she did to you, how would YOU feel???

And even if forgiveness comes, she may not want you for a long while, even as someone to talk to.

Look 2scared, as remorseful as you may be, as genuine as you may be in wanting to make it up to her, you cannot fully understand that pain, the loss of complete and utter trust, she probably feels like dying it hurts so much.

You will simply have to be there waiting and hoping she will let you slowly reenter her world. I think you will find it the hardest, the most difficult thing you have ever done, because YOU have no control over it & may never get back what you want.

What can you do? Plan A her in reverse so to speak. Dont swamp her with cards or flowers or emails saying how much you love her etc etc, I suspect she sees it as you trying to manipulate her again like the bad old days of the A. Maybe one or two things a week no more. Mix the things up. Say a card Monday/Tuesday, a small bunch off flowers Friday on the doorstep, dont worry if she throws them away says stop, just little things you know she likes.

I know I'm not ready for anything from my wife, dont think yours is eiher from you. Plug way, take it slow, have more patience then Job, pray a lot.

Aussie,

I think you are exactly right! The things you are saying are things that I hear from W. I know the pain is so raw, so fresh and being replayed in her mind daily (or more often). But I want to replace those mental memories with new good ones and I can't do that with "space" between us. The thing I have to remember is that I am a LB at this moment so I need to court her in the courts of heaven for now and work my way down as she (and God) allows me.