I can't help but get upset by some of the negative responses people are getting on the boards this weekend. I don't think people post here in order to be chastised by other posters who think they know better. Maybe it's just me, but quite a few of the posts took very negative turns and I don't think that is helping anyone get through a difficult situation.

Yes Kloe, I noticed it also.

Sometimes tough love is the only answer but it seems that we are not doing as well as we could supporting each other. Have a lovely weekend everyone! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

one I am new here..
Sometime people mean well when they post.. maye to them it isnt negitive.. ..I also see that you want others to be respectful and try and understand things that a person is going thru.
I can also see yours as negitive.. but that is my perception in both contexts.. We are emotional and already hurt.. or trying to figure thinsg out.. we coem here we talk say what is on our mind..Soemtiem no matter what the critisim is it can hurt.. but if it is meant in a way that is to be helpful but that person does not do well at expressing themselves correctly.. but wants to help.. then what. And this place talks about honesty.. and well honesty and critizim..sometimes are very painful place ....The old saying the Truth hurts was meant to be a warning that it is never easy to see what we have done to other or ourselves.. But it will set you free..and that is so sweet...and it is such a burden lifted..I seen some stuff on here that rasied my eyebrows and is certinly very disprespectful and very very harsh to otehr or tot he spouse it is directed it.. Alot fo my sites i am on it would be removed..and asked to be re-edited...
I knwo I mean no hard if i say something critical.. I wll say something to say Wake up smeel the roses.. I mean it all the best way tho.. We too busy cushiong.. ourselves or others.. because we don't want to feel ashamed or our feelings hurt.. Same and hurt feelings in life has its place..and if allowed to take place in a person for their actions.. and take the naturlka course it should.. healing should hopefully begin with the person who hurt and the person who was hurt..
please..as i write these words.. i do not say them to offend anyone.. I say them to show that we all have our perspetives on these things...
O beengoingthru the messages.. and I tell you.. I see so much encouragment to take responsibility.. and ow it and and begin to make changes..that s so awesome.. but I also see soem otehr post that want to protect the wayward spouse it seems like for the shame and the hurt.. And on the other hand I see some rather harsh posts.. so its all a mixture... ,
Maybe if it hurts or affends.. take a step back and think on it..does it hurt ofr offend because it is downright mean and vicouis..or does it hit a cord.. remind you of soemthing..is it true ..
hard this is.. I have a hard time with writing.. I have it in my head.. however it coems out alot different on the page and then i come back re read it again and realize.. i could of said soemthing more friendlier there..i could of cleared up asentence there..
This site is about.. teaching, compassion, strnghts and weaknesses, hurt, pain, emotional upheaval, downs and ups, losses and morning, ANger, hate and jelousy, vengefullness, repentance, forgivness, crying, screaming, thorwing fits.. You name its all all here the rawness of our actions and those we hurt.. and how we are hurt.. So with that your gonna have harsh replies.. as well as compassionate ones...or those that sate a fact vetter than another person..
I pray that i do not offend anyone here.. however I proably will.. becasue of the diversity....in pereptions and depends on how emotons run that day.. how senstive we are..
But being opne and honest about a rep;y or post that seems so hard.. is the only way to get it out.. mayeb have claification on it.. and maybe get a chance to teach someone how to take a step back.. and really listen to them self...and see waht is wrong and what may really hurt another person.. when it is said.. Hwo they respind back tot hat..will show if they were being mean and uncaring.. or f they were just trying to help in the best way they knew how...

God Bless

Linda

I have noticed alot of negative posts this weekend also, you know when we are feeling bad about ourselves we tend to take it out on others, sometimes it is easier to make someone feel bad than look at what is really on our own mind!!! I myself try not to post when I am feeling this way, however I can see from some of my posts that others do!!!

A MB group hug is in order. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think we all want the same thing, for each and every R - M and that is to recover, our passion about this sometimes comes across aggressively and negatively.

I think we all mean well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

{{{{{MB}}}}}

I haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary, but then, I am sure we all have different ideas of what constitutes "negative."

Yes, perception plays a part and yes, "hurt souls" can also play a part. Some individuals have a more direct/assertive style.... There are many possible reasons as to "why".

IMHO (for what it's worth) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I recognize that we all make mistakes, we all say things we shouldn't or we make our points in a questionable manner. No one is perfect and most, if not all, of us have "LB'd" each other at some time; if we go with that assumption it makes it pretty easy to maintain a thick skin and forgive.

I'm not really sure what you mean by negative, but I do notice two distinct types of posts:

1) Someone posts feeling or a problem and is offered different ways of approaching them in the context of MB principles

2) Someone posts feelings or problems and a "drama fest" ensues.

I think it's in the best spirit of the board to minimize the drama and focus more on the support.

To clarify - becoming part of someone else's drama is NOT support!

Although it goes in that direction sometimes (ok as long as it stays respectful), the MB forum is not an open "chat room".

I believe the ladies have established their own "chat room" for that purpose on another board.

Low

What I see is negative is calling people drama queens who are not serious about working on their M. I don't understand the reasoning for a response like that. Everything we are going through is a "drama fest." And if engaging in an "open chat" is what someone needs to feel better that day, then who cares. I don't see the need to chase them from the boards by calling them names.

kloe,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't understand the reasoning for a response like that. Everything we are going through is a "drama fest." And if engaging in an "open chat" is what someone needs to feel better that day, then who cares. I don't see the need to chase them from the boards by calling them names.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sure that you considered my response to Bob "negative".

You are very correct is your assessment that dealing with an affair is a drama fest---it reads like a badly-written soap opera with a plot no one would believe. One of the great advantages of a site like this is to find out that you're not alone---that everyone who is dealing with an affair is dealing with the same sopa opera issues. Things that you couldn't ever believe happening are happening again and again and again to people on this site. As opposed to "your situation being unique", you'll find that most affairs share many common threads. That's why the MB response is very consistent---fighting an affair is a lot like taking out an appendix, and if you have a good counselor working with you, you're going to survive.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And if engaging in an "open chat" is what someone needs to feel better that day, then who cares.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Open chat has a place here. Calling your spouse names doesn't---even in fun. "Venting" posts (and the process of venting) have been clearly established as causing harm (more negativity) to the people doing it. It is not carthetic. It is not like "primal scream therapy" or physical exhaustion therapy---those techniques are recognized by the psychological health arena as valid, helpful techniques. Venting is not---it is simply harmful, and helps to set up a mindset where it becomes more and more "valuable" to do more of it---until it becomes so demotivating and self-fulfilling to believe those vents and act on them in a negative way.

I have personally seen well over a dozen people on this board end up losing a salvagable (IMO) marriage because they "acted" like this---they were unable to harness the energy from their despair and bitterness and turn it into productive actions. They preferred to wallow. It's very painful for me to see people who have a real chance behaving in a way that is inconsistent in capitalizing on that chance.

If you don't accept this coming from me---please look it up. Talk to a trained counselor (who has a clue). Read the journal articles and long-term studies. I'm not making this up...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't see the need to chase them from the boards by calling them names.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not sure who was being chased away or called names. You're absolutely right---the only people who should be 'chased away' are those who have no interests in recovering marriages and are actively sabotaging the efforts of others.

But instead of "actively sabotaging", what if some are unintentionally sabotaging marriage building efforts? What do you do about those?? That's the problem I see here today---there are a good number of these posts that "accidently sabotage" marriage building efforts. And I do point these posts out---not because I like to hear myself talk (or type)---but because I care deeply about this site. Steve Harley helped me save my marriage several years ago, and I owe the Harley's a debt of gratitude I can never fully repay.

I hope that this explains my "negativity", and I certainly hope that it doesn't chase you away.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What I see is negative is calling people drama queens who are not serious about working on their M. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I must have missed that post. I don't recall anyone calling anyone "drama queen". I read where a few people kept telling a particular poster to "lose the drama"...."don't contribute to the drama"...etc.

Are your referring to the poster that questioned the "documentation" thing? I have to admit...it did seem pretty silly to have people responding as they would if called to court to testify. This is an ANONYMOUS forum (for the most part) and I don't know how anyone can be "sure" of what someone is doing IRL.

Was the post gonna be printed and taken into court, if need be? The original post was made with a comment of going to "court" and using this post as documentation. Were these anonymous people going to be called to backup said statements? How did these people KNOW it was what it was...simpy because someone 'posted" it? Yea verily does NOT make it so.

The best interest of the poster wasn't a concern...imho...as much as the jumping on the drama wagon.

Where was the "see an attorney and have it documented"...or..."see your Pastor and have him document it"...or..."your children's therapist would be a good person to document that ". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

It was a line of people....ANONYMOUS people... responding to a poster..an ANONYMOUS poster to verify that what she said was gospel and would hold up in court proceedings. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Someone needed to stand up and stay STOP ...this isn't helping your legal situation.

This board is not to be used in place of attorneys...doctors....therapists...or marriage counselors. It is too easy for people to do that. They don't seek help IRL because they are living out the drama on this board. It would be remiss of people to not mention that...and mention that quite vehemently in my opinion. Sometimes a person doesn't "get it" until they are shamed (2x4) into "getting it".

Are these the type of posts that you consider negative?

committed

As a newbie, but a heavy user of this wonderful boards resources I would like to say that I receive the 2x4s, the detractors, the praise and the earnest advice with equal welcome.

I know for a fact that I would be a mess or dead right now if not for the 'Barefoot doctors' on this board. The generosity of spirit and prayer of you folks have sustained me through the very darkest hours of my life.

It is lovely to hear that I am doing OK in plan A, but it is also lovely to hear detractors offer another point of view. Affairs are almost universal in theoir contruct and effect but there is no template for dealing with them. All opinions are welcome.

I have come so very, very far in thi spast month. I have learned things I never dreamed I would have to but I am SURVIVING and I have a REAL HOPE of rescuing my marriage, largely due to the Harleys and you folks.

Regardless of the outcome I will never forget my debt to you.

If this site became a 'being nice and sympathy' forum it would become toothless.

Long live negative posts !

God bless you all, richly. {{{{mb}}}}}

Bob,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know for a fact that I would be a mess or dead right now if not for the 'Barefoot doctors' on this board. The generosity of spirit and prayer of you folks have sustained me through the very darkest hours of my life.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't post on your threads but for a couple of minor interactions. I do read many of them however, and have noticed considerable improvement in your mindset since you stopped crying in your soup. That ole tree didn't have your name on it anyway. Good thing huh? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If this site became a 'being nice and sympathy' forum it would become toothless.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree.