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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 164
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 164 |
This is a post that i originally put in the In Recovery section. I've decided to post much of it here, but i will only post my story. Here are copies of what i've posted over there.
I need some help in a bad way.
I believe my wife is in withdrawal. She will not talk to me. I wrote her a long letter about my feelings toward her and my hope for our relationship. I am going to post part of her response to that letter:
"I hate going through all of this and hurting you. Yesterday I wanted to comfort you -- but I didn't want to mislead you. The trip (a vacation we just came home from) was hard for me, I thought we would grow closer but it was the opposite for me. I think you need to back off. I can't force feelings I don't have. I hope that through our retrouvaille stuff we will get to know each other and I will develop them. I am sorry for the roller coaster that I have been, I am trying so hard to have deep feelings for you, I care so much about you. When I see you sad my heart does break and I want to comfort you but those feelings aren't the kind you can build a marriage on. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> We didn't get here overnight and its going to take a while to heal. Maybe we should just focus on being friends for a while and living under the same roof. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
You should also know that I do want all of the same things you do. I want us both to be happy...I have kind of forgotten what that feels like. I do want that for both of us. I just have to be patient and work at it. In the end I do want this marriage to work, not just work but to be a perfect union and a source of happiness for us and everyone we love. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> "
WHY THEN DOES SHE CONTINUE TO TELL ME SHE DOES NOT HAVE ANY FEELINGS FOR ME??????
On our trip she does this: - Puts her head on my shoulder and tells me how much she loves me. - Kisses me PASSIONATELY and tells me she really does love me but doesn't know how to show it. - tells me it means so much to her that i am paying attention to her again.
Then yesterday after having seen the OM at a work function (long story, i will tell it if you want to hear) she comes home and is in depression. Now she is back to I HAVE NO FEELINGS FOR YOU.
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??????????
Mark <small>[ August 22, 2004, 12:33 AM: Message edited by: KCM ]</small>
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 164
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 164 |
here is some more:
What can i do if she has decided to decieve me again?
I don't know what to believe.
Every time i bring up the affair or ask her if she has had contact she EXPLODES. screaming and telling me to back off and stop checking up on her. She tells me that she hates what she did and does not ever want to think about it again. She says it makes her physically sick to think about.
should i believe her? What do i do?
NC Letter sent and recieved.
OM is a devious man intent on taking my wife and family. He uses GOD as a weapon. Has gone so far as to tell my wife that God wants him to have my family.
He pretends to be respecting the NC, but will send her an email every week or so just to inform her how the project (movie they both worked on) is going.
Wife tends to want to hide these emails from me. She says she can't deal with my jelousy or my snooping.
She says there is nothing there and they have not seen each other. Sometimes i believe her sometimes i do not.
She has told me NEVER BRING IT UP AGAIN. What am i supposed to say to that?
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 164
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 164 |
and some more:
my wifes afair was much more emotional than physical. Reading some of her letters to the OM i have come to realize that she very much thinks that she is in love with him and settling for me. She has written letters that she will never send. But finding those letters is the worst thing that i have ever known. It affirms my worst fear, that she truly believes that she is only staying with me because of guilt and fear.
It is hard for me to accept being the second choice.
She has told me now many times that she has never loved me. That our marriage was wrong from the beginning.
at the same time she writes the stuff i have posted above.
I AM SO CONFUSED.
How long does withdrawal last?
What did you experience during it? I know that her withdrawal is now starting over because she saw him again.
I also know my wife and her tendancy to get extremely attached and very quickly.
I love her and want her to heal, but i don't know how to bring down the wall between us. She won't talk to me about anything.
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 164
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 164 |
Here is our background:
We met in High School and dated until I went off to college. She ended that relationship, to my surprise. We did not see each other but occassionally over the next five years.
When she was in her last semester of school, five years later (she was a year behind me)we met again. We started dating and things went very fast. She told me that she loved me and thought that we were meant to be together. I was drawn to her but not sure because of the first time we dated and getting hurt.
We became pregnant after six months of dating. I was scared but I knew that I loved her. I proposed to her and we were married a couple months later, nine months after we started dating the second time.
We have been married for nine years and have three children. From my perspective we have been mostly happy in those years. Many ups and downs. She has told me that we have not been happy.
She tells me that our marriage was bad from the beginning due to the pregnancy. Yet before we became pregnant she told me that she wanted to marry me and that she thought we were meant to be together. Go figure.
While we were in high school I had given her a promise ring. When we got back together after five years she brought it out of her jewelry box and told me that she had kept it because she knew we would end up together. To this day she wears that promise ring next to her wedding band.
I know that i have a HUGE role to play in my wifes unfaithfulness. I have been emotionally distant for the past three years. I have always been a devoted father and spent a great deal of time with my family. However, i have not spent a great deal of time alone with my wife. The two of us have been living the married single lifestyle for the past three years.
My emotional distance has been very hard on her. She wanted more of me for herself and not so much for the children. She thinks i spend too much time with them and not enought paying attention to her. Which i admit.
I have given you some of the background. but the important stuff is the terrible things that i have done to my wife. Things that i will regret forever.
During our relationship my wife has never been one who enjoys sex. She just doesn't want it. She tells me that she is happy during and after but getting up the desire is hard for her (she has told me although i have trouble believing her, that her A was not very sexual).
My sins are numerous. First is that i have been a user of pornography. My wife knows this and has confronted me about it twice. I was able to beat that addiction within the past year. I can't remember the last time i gave in to it but i know it was some time ago.
My biggest sin is that i have taken advantage of my wife on a couple of occassions. About once a week or so we would watch a movie and stay up late having a couple of beers. On a couple of those occassions i asked for sex and was denied. Later in the night when she was not in any condition to say no i decided to have sex with her anyway.
What I am saying is that i raped my wife. Some would say that is harsh but i know that's what it was.
I hate myself for it and have gone to confession about it. I know that God forgives but i have not yet reconciled it with myself. I have gone to see two different priests about what i did. Both have given me absolution, however i still weap about it when i think of it.
I confessed it to my wife during our Retrouvaille weekend. She cried but told me she forgave me. We held each other that night and i felt so much better.
But the truth is that i feel dirty. I feel like i am not yet cleansed of it. It lingers around me when i think about it and makes me hurt. I can't help but think that if only I had chosen to cherish my wife non of this would have happened and i would be in a great marriage.
It suck me dry when i talk or write about it.
I am so sorry for it, and i know that many of you will think poorly of me for what i did. You should. I don't deserve my wife. She is a beautiful person. Her heart is so good. She helps everyone around her with anything they ask of her. She treats complete strangers like they are her best friend. She talks to anyone about anything and loves life.
On the other hand there is my. I have put on a show of being a caring and loving husband ever since we've been married, but the truth is I have not cherished my wife. When she would ask me to do something around the house i would groan or scoff instead of jumping at the opportunity to serve her needs. What a fool i am? Like taking out the garbage is going to kill me.
But look at me now. Sobbing uncontrollably and terring myself up when all i really had to do was think of my wife before myself.
I pray that God give me a second chance with my wife. I pray that I can live up to the standard set by our savior Jesus Christ. It is only when i turned to God that all of this came out into the open. Only after i started my journey toward him that she quite her A.
I pray that i can become worthy of her.
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 164
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 164 |
Finally -
Here are some of the things my wife has told me that OM said to her: - He believes that they are meant to be together and that the two of them became closer to God while having their A. - God does not approve of our marriage because we became pregnant before marriage. - I am a "wuss" and wish that i was him. - He is the image of Christ and a spiritual man. - Their A could not be wrong if something good comes out of it (meaning her happiness and their being soulmates)
She ended her A before i knew it had even happened. She went to his house and gave him all of his things back and retrieved her own. She has told me that for weeks leading up to this she tried to end contact with him, but that he manipulated her into staying. At one point he became very jelous and was threatening exposing the A to all of our friends and family, if she did not stay with him.
Three days later she told me the truth. She told me that she was scared of his agressiveness and scared for our family. He continued to call her daily for some reason usually related to needing to give her some things that he had found of hers or some other lame excuse. The day she told me he called her again. She told him that i knew and he sent me an email. The first time i read it i wanted to kill him (not at all Christ like but thats how i felt). Today i have read it again and i think maybe it was sincere.
I do not think OM is a bad person. In fact i think he is a good person who made some bad decisions. I think he fell in love with my wife and i can't blame him. There is so much beauty in her. I wish i could express how wonderful she is.
As for the RIGHT NOW of our life. She is more depressed than i have ever seen her. She is sleeping all day and can't be in the same room with me. I can see in her face how badly she missses him. I can see the doubt in her eyes about our relationship.
I want her to heal. I want to be there for her, but i don't know how. She does not want to talk to me.
I think that she is scared to ask for a divorce, but i know that her eyes would light up if i did.
TODAY is so hard. TOMMORROW is so hard. I want my wife. I want our life together, but i don't want her to live her life without love. I don't want to be the source of her unhappiness. If she wants out maybe i should just let her go.
The problem is i don't think we have had a chance. I don't think we've been given a fair opportunity to heal.
I don't know what to do or what to say. I am more alone than i have ever been in my life. I look at our children and i want to melt. I look at my wife and i want to dissolve into the floor. My skin hurts. My throat feels like it is full of rocks.
I consider myself an intelligent and caring person. But right now i can't help but think that things would be better if i just left. I hate seeing her in this much pain.
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Joined: Oct 2002
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Any man who knowingly fools around with another man's wife is a low life scum. The only thing worse is someone who tries to use god and religion as an excuse or justification. Michael
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
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It is very obvious that your wife cares deeply about you. Would she come here and read or post?
If she is in bed all day, get her to a doctor for some anti-D's. She is trying to do the right thing. Her feelings WILL come back for you, she just doesn't know that right now.
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 164
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Joined: Aug 2004
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Believer -
thanx for the advice.
I am going on AD's tuesday. WW is already there.
She told me today that i need to "back off" and i asked her to define that for me. She got angry and said "Don't touch me, and don't talk to me."
next thing i know we are at the park and she is putting her head in my lap. What the &%$#
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