Hi all, please read this letter I've drafted to my H and let me know what you think. Thanks so much for your support through all this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Dear R,
First, I need to tell you I love you with all my heart. Since the first day I met you in 1994, my heart has been yours. You are my husband, lover and friend and I value all of those relationships so much.

I know we have both done things in the past to hurt one another. The hurt was unintentional, but there all the same. Of all our issues have become secondary in all this – first we need to work on rebuilding the foundation of our marriage – honesty, trust, mutual respect, etc. Marriage is a roller coaster of its own – that’s where the “for better and for worse” comes from. When I married you, I had no reservations; I was so excited to see you that day. I married you for better or worse and everything in between. I also married you for you and all the good and bad that make you who you are. I don’t always like the man I married, but I ALWAYS love you.

I know you are aware of what your affair has done to me. I know you’ve been in a situation where someone has cheated on you and can start to understand where I am coming from. However, there is no way to which you can understand the magnitude of my hurting. I am not telling you this to hurt you, only to explain. My heart has been broken so many times in the past 9 months, I feel numb inside. I am angry, confused, frustrated, sad, hurt, betrayed and just physically ill.

You have been wavering back and forth between me and her while telling me that you want this marriage to work. Rich, actions speak louder than words. You have read everything I have on Marriage Builders and you know what must happen for us to be able to truly heal and rebuild our marriage. If you are serious about this, I will fight along side you just as hard. But, you have to vow to no contact and you have to communicate that through a letter; no text messaging, no phone calls, nothing. You say you don’t want to be cruel or hurtful to her but by doing what you are doing now, you are being cruel and hurtful to me. I am supposed to be the person you vowed to love, cherish and protect –not her. You are only responsible for you and no one else – what she feels, what she does, that’s on her not you.

If you really want me, if you really want to be married to ME, then you have to prove it with your actions… change your phone numbers (cell & Nextel), change your work e-mail, send the no contact letter, be done with this. If through this all you cannot see what you mean to me and how hard I am willing to work to make this marriage last then I’m not sure what more I can do.

I love you and I am willing to go the distance with you – but you have to be willing to do the same. You can tell me what you want, but you have to show me what you are willing to do. Show me you love me; show me you want to be committed to this marriage and your family. We didn’t come this far, 10 years later on nothing. All that brought us this far is still there – you just have to see it. I love you.

hurt and confuzed:

Don't send the letter. You're getting conflicting advice here, and I would prefer to see you with a MB-savvy counselor.

What I would recommend you do is this:

1. Familiarize yourself with Radical Honesty, the Policy of Joint Agreement, and Lovebusters.

2. Tell your husband (not a letter) that you want this marriage, and that you're willing to work to make the marriage a better place for him. Let him know that the affair is hurting you (very much), and request (not demand) that he end it. Discuss writing a no-contact letter together. Discuss accountability with contact---getting rid of cell phones, being honest if contact is renewed, etc.). You need to do this by employing honesty without lovebusting, and to use good negotiation tactics and follow the POJA to come up with solutions that you both (enthusiastically) agree with.

It is very likely that he will not be willing to do what you would like, or what other's here say "is necessary'. This makes the job harder, but it doesn't mean the end of your marriage. You need to make a respectful request to him here---if his addiction is too strong, he will be unwilling to do this. Addicts really need to make the decision for themselves to end their addictive behavior; it's not very common to have someone "tell" them to stop and have it successful. Your husband is risking much---the loss of a wife and family---all for a relationship that is doomed to fail. That's obvious to all of us who are not in the throes of the brain chemicals that are messing up his thought processes. The sooner he ends this, the better---but it will have to be a decision that he makes.

3. If he's unwilling to end this, ask for his honesty in regards to contact. Try to negotiate around behaviors that are very hurtful to you---for example, my wife's OM would call her at our home---that really pissed me off. I couldn't negotiate an end to the affair, but I was able to negotiate around some of these insensitive behaviors.

Please get into counseling---you need an experienced guide to get through this.

H&C,

Act on what Pep, K and everyone is telling you. Call the counseling phone number and schedule an appointment with one of the Harleys.

At least commit to one appointment for each of you. You'll be amazed at the difference it makes. In the meantime you both NEED to read Surviving An Affair. It can be purchased on this website and arrives quicker than from Amazon. Get 2 copies. You can both read at the same time.

Your situation is CLASSIC not unique. And I agree with the others that without professional marriage counseling recovery will be difficult.

My husband and I counseled with Steve Harley for approx 9 months. Worth every $$$. We were able to relax under his guidance and we learned how to have a much better marriage today than we had prior to the affair. I strongly, highly recommend it. We were unable to navigate the counter-intuitive quagmire on our own.

Buy the book, call the counseling center!!

<small>[ August 22, 2004, 12:07 PM: Message edited by: CSue ]</small>

The other's have given you excellent advice, please take it. My FWH and I went to MC and it was worth every penny!!!

Something else to consider that's not mentioned too often...MC is cheaper than D!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Couseling first, letter later if needed.