My WW just told me that whatever I planned to do with the photocopies, please don't do it yet as OM was called back from holiday because his grown-up son (not the 10 YO that lives with him ) has been killed in a car accident.

I don't know if this is another LIE, or what the impact will be on the A. My WW is obviously very hurt for him right now.

If true I am also sorry for him. He is pond life, but thats not his son's fault.

What the H@LL do I do with THIS ? I have already been very sympathetic to WW, anything I can do etc. Been very caring, no LBs so far.

I hope this doesn't bring them two closer together.

Advice ?

<small>[ August 22, 2004, 03:18 PM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Bob,
I don't know what to say....I guess you should probably just keep being nice and show her that you care like you have been.
I am having a hard time this morning. I just can't seem to get myself out of this dark hole that I'm in. I feel hopeless!

Oh Dear GOD! I just remembered, when I was very low last week I cursed OM in the Lord like Elisha cursed the youths !

Oh my Dear God ! I do not know what to think....

Bob, you don't have the power to kill his boy, please don't do that to yourself. I would play it cool and not do or say anything. How did WW find out about it? Is she still in touch with him?

Bob, this is a tragedy of life that trumps most of your pain. Nothing compares to the death of a child.

Right now OM is going to have many many things on his plate. Dealing with his grief, arrangements for the funeral. There must be another parent of this boy somewhere who is also devastated -- and as the two parents, there are things that will have to happen between them that no one else can be a party to.

There is also the OM's GF, who surely knew this boy fairly well at this point, and who will also be devastated by the news.

And finally there is the 10 yo who lives with OM, and who just lost his big brother. That boy will have much pain to deal with as well, and heartbreak at that age is hard to heal.

I understand your wife's sorrow for OM -- and for his whole family. It is a terrible tragedy. This is a time when the only thing your wife can do is to fade into the background. OM has more important things to deal with than his relationship with her right now.... the wisest thing she can do is let him go deal with them without her "help."

That doesn't, of course, mean she'll do that. It's natural for almost anyone to offer any and all help in a situation like this one. Heck, you're probably feeling some of that same urge right now.

There is also something you can learn from this. The OM is not pond life, not any more than you and I are pond life. He has made unethical choices, ones that hurt his integrity and his family. We have all, in greater or lesser degree, done those same things.

What you can do at this time is to make your own ethical choices and ensure that your own integrity and compassion are in place. This man deserves your empathy -- and he deserves to be helped to make ethical choices.

He has lost a son. Encourage him to focus on the family he has remaining and to allow your wife to do the same. Speak to him with compassion and strength. Whether he chooses to listen is his own business -- but you can still make the effort.

This is a tough one. I usually advice both women and men not to be too loving and caring because often what that means is they have lost self-respect and are doormats which is not attractive.

However, with this one go softly. You do not owe the OM sympathy or your WW for that matter but it seems that it would be rather brash to wish this kind of tragedy on anyone.

Your WW should align herself with you so if she wants to return to you, she should either say nothing to the OM or offer quick sympathies. If she wants to reach out to him, this is inappropriate. You can tell where her heart is if she does this. This would probably indicate plan B. But it is possibly she is vascillating in which case your simple sentences (not speeches) explaining how you do not wish this on anyone and you feel sorry for him but it is just not her place to be with him might show her gentleness and strength at the same time.

ML, WW has a 'secret' cellphone and I guess they are in contact using that, though I do not know how often.

They have not met since d-day.

I found the number and called my WW on it asking what she wanted for dinner....she was shocked !

I know I couldn't move God to kill this boy, I am just convicted of my curse prayer. Not very Christian was it?

If true I am very sorry. But I still care about how this will affect the A.

Bob

Verify first of all that what you have heard is the truth.

And regardless of what the truth is regarding this accident, stay your course, stay strong, and stay active in your family's lives. Especially your kids, which you have been doing extraordinarily well.

Jump to no conclusions here. Let it play out, with your inner strength in charge.

OM's plate is full now, and he's going to be doing some serious soul searching for a while. If the Lord owns any piece of his heart, these will be gut wrenching times for him.

You stay strong, stay the lighthouse, stay the course. Your instincts have been great so far, with the MB principles, so keep them intact, and push ahead every so tenderly.

Prayers to you, Bob Pure.

SD

Bob,

Sorry to hear about this... no matter how much the OM in our life have hurt our M, I still wish no harm on them...

I'm wondering why OM called YOUR W to tell her this bit of news.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I will withold my comments until this plays out a bit further...

Semper Fi,
RIF 90

SD thank you, My instinct is to do as you say and certainoy not drop plan A because of this tragedy.

I feel bad disbelieving it but in their fog WW and OM could say ANYTHING.

If true I am very sorry. I agree OM will have more important things on his plate than my WW and myself.

I will be gentle but strong for my WW. She was not angry when she discovered my 'dicovered' note but instead was deflated and saddened.

I will continue plan A. I will verify the facts of the accident before exposing my new proof to OM GF.

If this is a lie it is the foulest lie ever told.

** RIF90 me too, I wondered why he should contact my WW about this. He is guaranteed sympathy there I guess, and it may be a good bit of manipulation. Dunno. We'll see.

<small>[ August 22, 2004, 09:49 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Dear Father,

We pray for the heavy hearts who have lost much. We pray for this boys mother and father, that your light will shine on their hearts and help them through their loss and pain.

We pray for this boys younger brother, that he has an outlet for his grief, a way to cope and a mother and father that can be there for him. We pray that you send an angel down to soften this young boys great loss and wipe his tears with loving hands.

We pray for BobPure and his wife that this tragedy will bring them closer together, and that guilt will not blind them to the truth. That truth being that only you are all knowing, all powerful and that they had nothing do with this through their troubled marriage.

Please bring peace to all on this board today as this has touched many hearts, and brought rememberances of past loss's. We all need your wisdom now, so that we can be supportive and helpful to Bob.

Thank you Father,
In Jesus's loving name we pray

Amen

Amen. Thank you, Weaver.

Bob

I will be gentle but strong for my WW. She was not angry when she discovered my 'dicovered' note but instead was deflated and saddened.

Just my take on this statement from your WW. This is a sign that the fantasy is crumbling before her eyes. As others have said, there may be more wrath to meet in the near future, but this holds a great deal of hope for you both, long term.

Again, with prayers for you.

SD

Bob

I know I am in a very sceptical mood tonight but you have the GF's phone number right?
Ring her up and say you just wanted to say you were sorry to hear such terrible news about OM's eldest son.
If all legit then you have different set of worries with your wife
If not legit, and I’m sorry it just sounds so, well opportune, that at the time ‘they’ - your WW & OM - know you are exposing to all and sundry, that their sport was next, your wife tells of this tragedy.

Funny thing to hope for but I hope for his families sake it’s a lie.
Having lost two children myself Bob, I do not in any way think someone would say something so terrible if it was not true, however, based on all the previous lies, well, I’d be a bit doubtful without confirming it even in around about way as I suggested.

Bob if anything, the last thing on the OM’s mind is your wife if this is a tragedy.
The moment she starts looking like she wants to contact him using this as a reason, remind her that its NC and that the OM’s family has enough to cope with without her interfering in their grief right now. Gently of course.
And Bob, if its true there is no way its your fault you know, As I had to learn and accept there things happen in life, no rhyme or reason, they just happen.

bob...do not let this sad news stop you from giving copies of the love letters you found to OM GF. Go ahead. hes under a lot of pressure right now and one way out for him would be to dump your wife posthaste....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But I still care about how this will affect the A.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bob, why worry about what you have little control over?

Worry about what you can do. As far as sharing the letters with the GF---it seems to me that this is an opportunity for your wife and you to POJA-style negotiate. She knows you've got them, and she's asked you not to do anything with them. You've basically agreed. So---why not formally do it in a discussion with her, and perhaps discuss the appropriate time to give them to GF (like in a month). Your wife doesn't like that---maybe she could brainstorm an acceptable solution (like, say, marriage counseling??)

Its OK to confront the affair---but you want to do so in a way that doesn't kill more of your wife's feelings for you.

* tears * weaver your prayer is perfect. Thank you. Amen. So many many broken hearts and lives involved in this affair. Heal them Lord in Your holy way. This felt like my personal tragedy one month ago, yet the tendrils of this affair have infected everyone, like a cancer through the organs of a body. Such evil this 'love' affair has caused.

I am taking my WW and kids out for a meal this evening. I will try to make it a nice evening for my kids primarily, but also for my WW.

She appears as if in shock. I think her life is a mess beyond her comprehension right now.

If only she knew how much I love her and am waiting to forgive her...I could help her now.

It hurts me that I have all this love and compassion and she will not accept it from me.

Bob - You and your family are in my prayers today.

Bob - I say go with aussie's advice. I, too, hope it is a lie. Sorry to be so cynical.

Bob,
I am so sorry. I agree that the OM called your W because he knew she would be sympathetic. This further shows why you will need to inform the GF about the newest letter. The OM should be turning to those closest to him for comfort and support, your W should not continue to be that in his life.

I agree that calling the OM's home to offer your sympathies would be a good idea. It shows that you are human and that you knbow about the contact between the OM and your W. Tell them that you AND your W send their sympathies, it puts you on a united front.

This will most likely turn the OM toward his own son and GF. He will realize what he has lost and it might help shake him out of the fog a bit.

So sorry for the continued drama in your lives. Continued prayers, Ladysing