What are the statistics for success of MB rules (Plan a Plan B). Can all success stories (ie BS reconciled with WH or WW pls share?

sweeney, my "30th anniversary" post says it all.

If that's not a success, I don't know what is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jenny

I'd like to hear some too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I think it's important to be careful how you define success. Success might not mean a reconciled marriage. Sometimes success means divorce. That does not constitute a failure in the MB program, just that some marriages are beyond hope and the BEST answer is to divorce.

sweeney: MelodyLane is correct in how you define MB success. I remember early on someone telling me that at best, using the MB principles, it is going to give you every opportunity to "recover" your marriage. In the event that you don't, at least you can look back and say that you did your best in trying to and have no regrets.

I can say that I consider myself and onlywords (my W) a success due to the MB principles. I found this site on dday, printed out and read most of the articles and began applying them to our case. It was about 6 - 8 weeks after dday before I "found" this discussion forum.

The forum definitely helped me in my part of the recovery. If asked to guess if it has helped Onlywords, I'd say that it has to an extent. I think she put more of her faith in God, though.

There is a poster on here by the name of Worthatry (goes by WAT). I think he did follow the principles, but unfortunately his W (or now exW) didn't. He at least has learned and been able to move forward with his life knowing that he gave it his best shot.

Good Luck,
RH

Having fun Sweeney? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I have some thoughts on this..but I don't want to threadjack..so I'll post a related but not specifically what you asked for response.."Where do we go from here?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> --Noodle

Noodle. Sweeney and SAB aren't related by any chance are they?

Jenny

Kiwi...don't know [shrugs]

what I do know is that I have been unlogged, against my wishes 4 times while trying to post..and have subsequently lost what I had written. I surrender..at least for the time being..have to get to that thought I was having another time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

KiwiJ : meaning? and who is SAB.

So sweeney - in that you and your OM intend to divorce your spouses and marry each other, how are you comtemplating applying MB principles?

Perhaps this has been aired out on another thread that I missed. If so, please direct me to the appropriate discussion.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong> So sweeney - in that you and your OM intend to divorce your spouses and marry each other, how are you comtemplating applying MB principles?

Perhaps this has been aired out on another thread that I missed. If so, please direct me to the appropriate discussion. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I don't know any statistics either,
but I can tell you that ANY two people married to each other and with both of them wanting more than anything to do the right thing and recover their marriage, will be a success.

WAT, no, has not been aired out on another thread.

- was asking whether MB works to save marriages not whether it works to achieve success for new extracirriculur relationships formed during a marriage (as that would be too insensitive to post on this forum even for me - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) - as you know am wondering how I can save my marriage.

Not sure if I said anywhere that we (OM and I) are intending to use MB for our relationship but if we did get married, there are certain principles that are effective and that are useful for all emotional relationships.

One thing though, it really does depend on the type of marriage you have. There are different types of love and different types of marriage - in some cultures (ie where they are arranged) you are not expected to love your spouse, love and marriage should not be confused in others. Obviously here we are mainly talking about ones that originated in love (fast love as well perhpas) and feelings inevitably change. Some of the stories I have heard on this board, it is obvious that people entered into marriages for different reasons and that is reality. It is a bit sanctimonious to expect everyone to interpret the wedding vows the same way or to say they are lying cheating sods if that was what they though they felt then and never again can you make a mistake or realise it. There are need - based marriages, love based ones, marriages of convenience etc so what we have originally may not be saved by MB principles. My first marriage was one which was entered into on basis that it was rationally correct and built to last (ie compatible, families wanted it etc). I am finding that it is a mistake. I want something more and I found love - but it is dangerous as emotions change over time and people change over time so if I am going to enter into a relationship that is primarily based upon feelings, then I better be aware of how these things interplay over time and MB is very good with that. This explanation is condensed so I can explain further if you like.

What's on your mind - were you about to tell me that it's diabolical to contemplate MB for an adulterous relationship?

Sweeney, first I was pretty sure you were a troll as you posted two different stories which on a message board is a bit confusing. So, I apologise.

I've been married 30 years and had an affair after 27 years of marriage. I wanted to leave my marriage because I thought I'd found my "soulmate". Turns out I already had and I was married to him.

When my H found out about my A I was amazed, staggered, dumbfounded, you name it, by the depth of the love he had for me. It took me a while and a lot of counselling and finally I grew up and REALLY understood what love is. Real love (not infatuation) is amazing. I'm only glad I now know what it is to REALLY love and be loved.

Jen

HI KiwiJ

Yes I know it was confusing but I wanted to step inside her shoes as was feeling very very guilty but I don't need to as the posts here says it all. Clarified the double posting in a thread to Snowbelle. Do apologise to forum posters as people do take it very seriously in trying to help others which I appreciate. Even appreciate the get real girl posts.

Well, I was not martied long before the A. I tried to back out of the M last minute but was talked out of it by family. I do realise the long my H has for me and I have tried my best to 1) forget everything and be a very good wife 2) wanted to leave him six months into it (no one else - just wanted to for me, 3) tried to talk about it with H, tried to establish if any needs not met etc why am I feeling this way, why am I not very happy and thankful for the relationship I have. The conclusion is the same now as then as before the M - he is a fabulous guy but just not the one for me.

I am trying to establish if I am in a fog - no, have always felt this way. If I can do anything more to improve the relatio ship - no, the relationship is great, I am meeting all his needs, there is nothing lacking missing - just that I do not want to be in it. The decision is this, stay, end the A and live like this - unfulfiled emotionally or end the M and risk that I made a mistake in correcting the original mistake.

Right now, am at the latter. We are just trying to find the best way about it. He has responsibilities for being a father that he must not abdicate. His W knows about us and really it's up to her how she wants us to deal with it. If she wants him to stay with them and be a father. I am ok with that as a temporary solution. We can end the PA no problem but what we will not do is have NC.

Do I sound fuzzy? pls tell me..

Sweeny,

I do not know how old you are or how long you have been married, but I will tell my opinion from what little info I have, and not knowing you or your husband. Please bare with me because this opinion is going to come from an ethical, humanistic standpoint -

Your marriage never had a chance because you entered into an affair soon after it started. You cannot love and receive love from your husband while you are activily involved with another man.

You are not happy, your husband is not happy, you BF's wife and kids are not happy, and neither is your boyfriend.

Why don't you let your BF go back to his wife and kids where he belongs, and you try to work on your marriage. If then you still cannot be the wife your husband deserves, cannot find the happiness that you deserve you let your husband go, so he can have a chance at a good marriage.

You have no right to this MM, he belongs to his family, without you in the picture his family has a chance at what they rightfully deserve, which is their husband and father.

To say that you will end PA, but not have NC is definately fuzzy, and wrought with failure.

You are a smart girl and you know what you need to do, you just don't want to yet, but hopefully you will sooner than later.

<small>[ August 29, 2004, 05:57 PM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

Weaver,

Hear, hear!

~ Snow

Weaver, thanks for your post.

You have no right to this MM, he belongs to his family, without you in the picture his family has a chance at what they rightfully deserve, which is their husband and father.

===== with or without me in the picture, they will get the father but not the husband. He's in absentia with her - not that he has not tried. Not sure how to explain this to you but there are some needs that no matter how much you try and how much you want it to work, it's just not going to happen. I was married two years before A, before that we had known each other 10 years and going out for about 2 so all in all 14 years we knew each other and 4 years of relationship. Let me tell you that I knew before I got married that something was missing, that the most important thing was missing and I thought that by talking and working through it I would give it a chance and find the emotion I was looking for. I know now that it is not ever going to happen with H. And this emotion is not some thrill of someone new or a longing for fog. I detest drama and think excitement is overrated. All I want is a quiet contentment. Is it wrong to admit a mistake to marry someone you think is compatible but you don't really love and move on?

My H is not unhappy as I am meeting all his needs. Heck if you asked him he wouldn't have an idea that anything is wrong as I know what he wants and I make a effort to give it to him. I think if I make him happy and I try really hard, maybe I'll be happy. This was pre and post A.

To say that you will end PA, but not have NC is definately fuzzy, and wrought with failure.

========= yes you are right about this. Pre- A I was contemplating getting a divorce and even moved out for a week . I think I shld end both the M and the A and just make a new start. I can leave the MM alone but if I end the M, there is no way he is not going to come after me.

This is MB forum so I know I am never going to get any help or justification for leaving a M, which is why I am here. You say work on the M, please tell me how to do that. Mentally I am absent, emotionally I am absent, I have been absent since day one. Recapture the old feelings, what feelings? Affection, liking, some respect yes I had that and I still have that - but love, the desire to give, passion (evne just the slightest teensiest bit would be good) - all that is missing, has been missing and I don't think you can manufacture that out of nowhere.

It's not simply a case of once upon a time I was in love and because that has gone stale I want to change partners. I have always made an effort with H. I make sure we have sufficient time just to ourselves, I make sure we have friday nights for dinner just the two of us to talk - about our plans our hopes etc in the hopes that something will ignite - it absolutely has not, and I despair that it ever will.

At wit's end.

sweeney...

can we cut the the tap dancing around why you are here...and get to the issues...and see what can and might be done...

I just want to clarify some things...

the defintiton and use of the term fog...is not and does not apply to feelings...

no one denies that OP and WS have or don't have feelings for one another...

the feelings are not the issues...
the feeling aren't the end all...

and as most cliches hold some truth in this world...
if you want to go as far as using the word love between the OP and WS...

the cliche love is not enough...usually applies...

and this..this is the part I can not let go of in your story...
and will not gloss over...

His W knows about us and really it's up to her how she wants us to deal with it.

why are you not accountable for your own actions...

How do YOU stand in accordance to your inner self...and explain YOUR actions that are a direct source and cause of pain for another human being on this earth...
AND post about your unhappiness for choices you made in YOUR marriage....

this is what I don't get...
that YOUR unhappiness somehow equals entitlement ...to bring pain to her world..

and your husbands as well....

sweeney these are the meat and potatoe questions about your actions....

ARK