Hello everyone, someone suggested I post on the general forum to get more help.

In May after 4 months of questioning my spouse about phone calls coming into our home on his business line, I finally found out he was talking to another women. I had his calls analyzed and found out it had been going on since before the first of the year. That day my husband struck me, sending me to the hospital, not before he call the police and told them I had beat him. Once the police arrived they saw how injured I was and that he had lied. They arrested him. After he was released from jail I put him up into a hotel, wanting to get to the root cause. So I had him come back home only to find out he had been seeing her in hotels for quite sometime and he was unwilling to stop seeing her, on June 1st I asked him to leave, I couldn't stand to live with someone I know was constantly lying and sleeping with someone else. I think I could of sorted through this however, we have been married for 15 years, dated for 2 years and this is his 3rd affair to my knowledge, 1996, 2001, and this one. I tried to get him into counseling after he left but he refused until the courts made him seek counseling for the abuse. He is now in a heavy relationship with this other women who 2 weeks ago left her husband for mine.
In NC you can file a law suit against the other women who was having an affair with your spouse before you broke up and I have done this because my husband and her have total bankrupted us. My question is; even though he has done all of this I have feelings for him that wish things were different between us? Will filing this law suit cause him to fight with me even further? Should I even try to salvage a relationship when the other person repeated shows you his lack of respect? I must tell you I don't trust him, he is a chronic/pathological liar, however I have strong feelings about keeping my family together. I think he really loves this person even though he has only been having the affair for 8 months and now they have been cohabitating for 2 weeks. Please help

Hi... i am sorry to read of your bad situation. Its a hard one to comment on. If he won't go to counselling I don't know what you can do. You certainly do not deserve to be abused mentally and physically. If he won't go to joint therapy maybe you should go to therapy on your own to find out why it is you cannot let go of someone who treats you like this.

I wish I could help more. God bless you.

I couldn't stand to live with someone I know was constantly lying and sleeping with someone else.

But you're "OK" with taking someone back who has been physically violent with you?

He is now in a heavy relationship with this other women who 2 weeks ago left her husband for mine.

Yes... by all means let him go. He can use her for a punching bag instead of you. I'd warn her first that he is violent however, to clear my conscience.


In NC you can file a law suit against the other women who was having an affair with your spouse before you broke up and I have done this because my husband and her have total bankrupted us.

Does she have a lot of money? If she does not have a lot of money, I don't see the point of this law suit???? I am missing something here....?

My question is; even though he has done all of this I have feelings for him that wish things were different between us?

Here you are ... wishing....wishing... wishing...

Get a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle so you have 2 lists.

On the left side of the paper.... list all the things you wish you had in the M...

Then on the right side of the paper make a list of what you actually DO HAVE in this M....

Compare the two lists...

One side is for hopes and dreams and prayers....

BUT

Use the reality side to make your decisions.

If he hits... and you stay with him ... you give him permission (in HIS mind) to hit you again if he feels it is justified.

Wishing you were married to a man who did not hit you violently .... and leaving him because he DOES hit you ... is the sensible way to deal with a dangerous situation.

His affairs are a non-issue to me if he hits... THE VIOLENCE is the first priority, not his affairs.

Pep

<small>[ August 23, 2004, 07:09 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Let's say that eventually he does end his affair, what would you do about his so-called "chronic/pathological lying?" Can you have a happy marriage with someone like that? Because you will not be able to change his personality.

Thanks to both of you for a reality check, I think for me I am going through the loss of the relationship ending in such a violent way.

As for the law suit, the women drives a new Mercedes 2004, dresses outstanding, her husband has his own contracting business and she stands to gain has of that. If anything, I would sue and give him his half back just so she couldn't ask for it in her divorce settlement. I spoke to her husband who said she has done this before, so has my husband, so they deserve each other. I am confused, I didn't want to see my children be without their father and family is so important, but our safety is too. He has been forced to go to counseling by the courts because it was court ordered. He is like 2 people, he has had 12 jobs in 15 years of our marriage, I know the writing is on the wall, it just hurts so bad. Thanks for the support and the reality check. I guess PLan A is not the best idea!

lost, do you think its good for your children to live with a father that beats up their mother, lies to her and has affairs? Don't your children need you not tolerating intolerable behavior? Where did you get the idea that it would ever be good for children to live with an abusive, destructive father?

Don't you think you should teach your children how to draw appropriate boundaries and take courageous stands when necessary? Or should you teach them that its ok to be a punching bag?

I filed charges and he was arrested, I don't want to be a punching bag and I will not be one. The kids barely see him at all and when they do he is always on the phone to her, they watch TV and do little else. I feel bad for the children because he used to do so much with us. For me its just letting go. I'll get through it and somehow work through these feelings of disbelief that someone I cared so much about cares so little for us. Thanks