Ok its been 3 days since we descided on a divorce. The first couple days we pretty much avoided each other. She seemed pretty confident in what she was doing and fairly unconserned. But yesterday she was a basket case. She keeps a journel and she showed me yesterdays entry which said in big letters over and over again HATE, HATE, HATE, I HATE MYSELF, WHO COULD EVER LOVE ME , HATE HATE, HATE, ....ect. I was pretty worried about her when she went to work even though she assured me she was not suiscidal. Before she left I told he if she wanted me to stay up for her when she got home to talk I would be glad to . She called me later that night and asked if I would do that . So when she got home we sat on the couch and I held her in my arms (god I didn't realize how much I already missed doing that) and we talked about her. I assured her that people still loved her and she was not alone ....she just has so many problems right now and I dont' know how to help. She then took me into her bed (we've been sleeping in seperate rooms) and we cuddled all night (felt to good again) .
Today has been more of the same . She has been a basket case all day.....crying most of the time....and not really being able to make a conscious thought. Its tearing me up to see her like this even after what she has done to me. When I said my wedding vows I said in sickness and in health .....well she is definately in sickness right now and I feel like an [censored] for leaving her when she may need me the most. Later this afternoon she was really crying again . I came to her and held her for a long time and we ended up making love. Im not sure if i did it because I knew it would make her feel better at least for a little while or not. It did make her feel a lot better though and we have hugged and cuddled the rest of the afternoon . Then when the kids went to ride bikes she came to me and we made love again ........DAMN I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS!!! I still have so many feelings for her that I just can't shove away even after what she has done to me.
Tomorrow in the morning i have an appointment to see my lawyer and give him the papework to file for divorce. She also has appointments tomorrow to look at some houses to rent. I just dont' know what today and yesterday has ment in the scheme of our relationship. Is this a turning point or just 2 people with a lot of history together falling into a easy pattern to get over the pain .
Just so confused .
I want my wife.
But I can't have her without changes.
She doesnt' want to change.
Im getting ready to go over a big cliff and theres no turning back once im over.

Help anyone

onlyhitman, please, please, I IMPLORE you to keep doing this but do not back down from your position on divorce. Let HER bring that about, and I think she will. I think she is coming to that point right now.

Keep being there for her right now. But DO NOT be the one to back down from your position. Let her come to that decision on her own. I think she is realizing right now what she will lose and you don't even want to interfere with that awakening process, ok?

Just keep being nice to her and make sure she knows that you don't hate her. But move forward as planned. Let her continue in her awakening and hopefully she will come to a point where she comes to you and asks you to stay in the marriage.

If that happens she would need to give you a plan to repair the damage she has caused. [come talk to us if this happens and we will help you]

But please don't interfere with her awakening by backing down from your position. She so needs to know what it will be like to lose you. And that is exactly what is waking her up.

theonlyhitman - Listen to what melodylane is saying, she makes an excelleny point..
You also wrote I want my wife. But I can't have her without changes. You are very clear on that point. She does need to come to you and make the committment to change. It's then up to you to decicde is she is genuine, but again, she must want to do it. Good luck and be strong...

Well I missed my appointment to see the lawyer today because she was hysterical. I comfortered her and let her know that she did derserve to be happy, she did deserve to have a happy family, she just needed to believe that about herself. In the end though nothing has changed . We talked and talked and talked but the end result was still that she doesn't think she can be trusted not to keep hurting me. So ive rescheduled my lawyers appointment till next week ......round and round we go

Im so freaking stupid. She alomst had me again. I was so caught up in how nice she was acting she almost had me sucked in. But now I find out just a few days ago she had sex with the OM again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I guess I should be grateful to her. Im definatley no longer confused. Im tired of being hurt and I refuse to stand here and be hurt again. So I am definately filing for divorce ASAP. Also I have an appointment to see my Doctor tomorrow to have a STD test just to ease my mind. I would hope she would be smarter than that but past history is showing her to be pretty damn dumb.

Im so freaking done with this whole thing.

TOH - I am very sorry that this appears to be the case. On the positive side, you have discovered that WS is still not ready to make a commttiment to your relationship (who konws if when that may be the case). As MelodyLane had alluded, this was a false start, as is sometimes the case. You should also consider going to MC to help you deal with what you are feeling and going through.
Keep doing things to improve your life / self esteem, and keep posting.