okay, i know he was with her last nite. well, not so sure, but i assume he was. he has to be here from 8- 5:30 today. all i could get out of him about OW is that SHE never questions him. so i guess i dont ask him why he said he'd come home tonite and didnt. i left our old photo album on the table open, and plan to smile even though my heart is breaking.i cried all nite. this is my last chance, i've gotta send him away with something other than me crying all the time.

Shelly, Plan A doesn't mean you don't question him, just that you stop all lovebusters. And yes, it is a lovebuster to ram your car into your H's car, ok? [I did it too, so don't feel like the lone ranger. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ]

I would get busy exposing this affair starting with the OW's mother. She sounded like she could be an ally to your cause. Let her know that you are working on your marriage but it is pretty hopeless with her D in the picture. Expose it to your family, friends, and his family.

SO SORRY ! I just logged in from the week end , I see that you got your undeniable proof . And the anger that goes with it ..

I may get a hit for this , BUT I do not think your ready yet to jump into PLAN A , and by doing so with your H sweat talk right now is only going to inrage you more .

WHAT he said to you about not being sure he can be faithful , Loving you but you drove him to it , not knowing if he could give OW up ....

All these things are very open ended . He is manipulating being court. HE is not giving you HOPE but yet is trying to get you to read between the lines that there maybe HOPE ...

Makeing sense ???

The reason I say you are not ready for PLAN A , is becasue it all just happened and 1 or 2 nights is not enough time to get past that much anger and suck it all up . I could be very wrong BUT been through almost exact same thing and I was a PLAN A FLOPPER !!!!!!

I agree with exposing the A , BUT most of all you need a support family or freind that you can vent to other then here ,,, where you need that right then and there person ,,KNOW what I mean .

This is a long haul and you need alot on strength for it . WS will say and do many things at this point of discovery to inrage you ,, so keeping those LB in will be very diffucult ..

YOU really need some time to think , and just let it all out and HE can not here YOU at all .

Everything he says is to benefit himself and the A .(sorry) and at the same time keep you at bay .

There are times right now that you may get this burst of energy that says I AM GOING TO FIGHT for this M then you will here or see something that will set you off . Its a very sensitive time .

Take some time to breath and really compute what you found out .

I am not saying a PLAN isn't needed I just think you need to let it all out for awhile don't think you need to play beat the clock .

Your need for calm is very important to the next move you make JMO !

thanks for the responses. well, so much for plan a. the **** hit the fan . h called me enraged that i called OW. he said leave her alone, why did you leave so many messages for her. im not going to say how that ended, but it wasnt good. i was enraged that this ***** had the audacity to call my husband , afraid of me. i called her up and i told her you wanna call my h up crying because i left you a couple messages? she said no!no! he keeps calling me, telling me i love you, he wont leave me alone!she said m, i apoligize, i swear to god he told me you guys were divorced and had nothing to do with each other. i said no, we were together up until wednesday. i started to cry. i said do you have any idea what you have done to my marriage? she said im so sorry. i said its not your fault you didnt know, but damn, how gullible are you? didnt you notice he never takes off his wedding rings? didnt you see my name tattooed big as hell across his whole back? a guy who divorced his wife would have covered that up.i said honey, im sorry about this, but im trying to work on my marriage, but you in the middle of it isnt helping, my daughter and i need her real dad back.i just cried. i dont understand. i said if you have problems with him bothering you, tell him you'll call the cops, that usually works for me. i said if you need to talk to me, because he's gonna keep up with the lies and the stalking, you can call me. she said its over and done with. he's a dirty dog and she hates him for making her a partner to adultery. so we said goodbye. h then showed up at the house came into the bedroom looked at me and walked out and sat in his truck all day waiting for his appointment to show. he refused to wait inside. i assume he was stalking his OW.he called me a couple times a lot calmer to talk about this and that and i asked him to put the bumper back on my car right. it got knocked off when i rammed his truck.before he left he brought me some food and said when our d gets home tell her to call me. so theres my whole sordid story.where do i go from here? i dont want to do anything except plot revenge.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">where do I go from here?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ok, take your pick:

A) ram your car into your H's truck

B) bash his head in with a baseball bat

C) call him up and shreik like an old fish wife

D) act civil and pleasant and try to make yourself MORE attractive than the OW

Which one do you think you should choose, Shelly?

Does this verse remind you of anyone? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. Proverbs 21:9

quote
ok, take your pick:

A) ram your car into your H's truck

B) bash his head in with a baseball bat

C) call him up and shreik like an old fish wife

D) act civil and pleasant and try to make yourself MORE attractive than the OW

Which one do you think you should choose, Shelly?

Surely there are better options than these? Violence or competition isn't going to save her marriage. This man is angry because he is being called on the carpet. Shelly didn't cause him to have an affair. He did it because he wanted to feel the way the affair makes him feel. I'm certainly no expert, but I would think Shelly would be better serve to take care of herself and offer to be there for him should he decide to end the affair. Having him chase after the OW while he is still considering himself married to Shelly is unacceptable. She can't stop him from chasing but she can stop him from having his cake and eating it too.

txbird, it's a joke.

i got it ML <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> im thru brawling.im just so goddammed mad! now im sick anyway. im not going to call him, or her. im going to try to pull myself together.hmmm, bash his head in with a base ball bat? didnt think of that one. J/k ML, i know, i was gonna try this morning, but his defense of her pissed me off. time to try again.just not for a little while.

I know you are mad, girl. And you have every right to be so. But your actions are hurting SHELLY and no one else. This is the Help Shelly program, not help the OW program!

Have you been reading about Plan A? It's time to stop all the lovebusters and start making yourself back into a person he would WANT to be around. He doesn't want to be around some Texas wildcat. See what I mean?

i know. a kind of calm has settled over me anyway. all right ML well try it your way. what to do if he calls for smalltalk? what to do if he calls upset about as an example, that i spoke to OW when he said not to?

Shelly, you can talk to whomever you wish. If he calls upset about it, you just say: "I'm so sorry you are upset." And leave it at that.

Let him rant and rave, but don't let him rile you up.

See, he will try to use your anger to justify his own bad behavior. So when you are angry and hotheaded with him, you hand him a weapon to use against you. If he doesnt have this ammunition against you, he has nothing to hold against you and it will start to confuse him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shelly_3:
<strong> i know. a kind of calm has settled over me anyway. all right ML well try it your way. what to do if he calls for smalltalk? what to do if he calls upset about as an example, that i spoke to OW when he said not to? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "I will do what I can to save our family."

Don't respond to anything he says by defending your actions ... simply state your underlying goal ... to save the marriage, the family , etc.

If he is UPSET (at this stage) it usually means you did something to upset his applecart ... which is GOOD!

Do not fear his "upset" his "anger" his "threats" ... just focus on YOUR GOAL.... save the M save your family.

If he asks you "Why did you do (blah blah blah)?" ... stick to your stock response... "I want to save this family ".... If he says "It's over, there is nothing to save." ... DO NOT WAVER ... stick to your script.

Pep

Good one, Pep! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

well he called. we didnt talk about todays events, OW, or A, he wanted to see how i was and talk about other things that happened in his day. i responded pleasantly, no shreiking, no accusations. he kept me on the phone for half an hour and said he hasnt slept well in a week.then he said he'd call me back before he went to bed.if he didnt fall asleep first. taking baby steps here.....

Shelly,

U did fine. As for his 'small steps', I hate to burst your bubble but it c/b he is trying to ease his guilt. Don't let him.

What you did was fine but it did not take his burden away. When he goes to sleep and wakes up, his burden will be right there next to him.

Know that it w/b between him and whoever he is with until he makes it right with you. Does that make you feel empowered a bit? It should.

The point is that you can use info like this to your family's advantage. Am I teaching you t/b sneaky? Yes, I am. For what is right. You have the right t/b sneaky to overturn the A with all your might. You can do this in stages but not always with the same strength. This w/b you protecter because once you learn to harness this type of power, the A will have less hold on you.

You may then see the WS and OW squirm once they realize that Shelly can't be pushed into subjection and be manipulated to enable the A. That's the new and improved Shelly.

For now, continue what you are doing. Just keep what I have said in the back of your mind. If it turns up that way, you will be better equipped on your actions and reaction.

It is always better t/b prepared.

take care,
L.

O,
i meant i was taking baby steps by not having our conversation degenerate into threatening each other and shouting.i finally have been able to start eating again. i hadnt eaten(except for a couple of cans of slimfast) since wednesday. i feel a lot better, although i lost 8 pounds. how do i not allow him to ease his guilt at what he's done without LB'ing?

ahhhh.....the "life sucks" diet...im on that one too.....lost 11 pounds in one week.

lol

is that what its called? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> i wouldnt recommend it. thanks for the laugh, i needed one.