</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 2x4 * Thwack!* </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he he he... I think I heard that one all the way over here!

Bob... any verification on the OM's son???

I also know that SOME Bs's would kill for an opportunity like this...NOT to try and save the marriage, but to try and get even.

Really? "SOME BS's would kill for an opportunity like this" Really? You might associate with some strangely different people.

You are a FWH, correct? Was your affair exposed to scrutiny by the OW's betrayed husband before you ended it? Did you end your affair without anyone finding out about it?

There is no "getting even" for marital betrayal. We can agree on THAT for sure! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But some things are done in the passion of painful betrayal that are not so nice.... EXPOSURE is allowing the light of truth to lead the way .... and how can that be incorrect?

Pep

Simple Minded....of course it could go either way!

Even if W leaves to be with OM (I doubt it since neither of them are finanacially stable on their own).....they will see the real aspects of their relationship and not the freaky fantasy ones!

Bob, you have the reins of your marriage and that is better then people in a fog having them.

I hope it all works out well for you and you and your W get thru the nasty crisis and have a future together.

Bob

You said In any case I will give her the proof. I am just debating when.

That proof will back up the 100% honesty that took place between you and OM's GF.

It will also further expose the dishonesty between the OM and his GF, as well as your WW's part in the attempt at further denial and concealment of the Affair.

But you knew all that, already! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You are on the right path. The timing is difficult, but you played no part in all that's transpired. But the important fact is this: You know this will most likely be the final nail in the coffin for the affair.

May God grant you the strength and wisdom in your timing for this further exposure.

SD

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From Reb. in Faith 90:
Bob... any verification on the OM's son???
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, please get Any Independent source OTHER then the OM & WW.
(Truly Not the most reliable source for YOU these days).
The GF, funeral home, newspaper obit. ...anything.

You never know these days. Sad but true.
You Have to be careful & always protect yourself.
I've read a lot of stuff on here that I never thought ANYONE would Ever try to pull off.

With that said, NO parent should EVER have to bury their child. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Your "empathy" in this situation is Commendable.

There should be a police report on public record for a fatal MVA.
In what city did the accident occur?

Pep

Top Rope, RIF90 I don't know how to independently verify this tragedy. I don't know where the OMs ex-wife and family live. He is 52 and has lived in many places with his three wives and don't know how many GFs and affairees.

my WW is my only source of current information about the OM & GF.

I think I must call the OM GF, offer my condolences and see how she responds.

OM will be expecting my call so it will be hard to get to speak to her.

But I will call.

Re all the vengeance talk, my WW is as culpable for the A as the OM ever was. How can I be vengeful when I want her back ?

Also regarding vengeance OMs life it a horrorshow right now. If that isn't a case of 'sow the wind, reap the whirleind" I don't know what is.

The only thing i would swap from my life for OMs life right now is the unfailing adoration of my WW. * sigh *

And SD, yes I think I see that this proof will be the ending of the afair.

<small>[ August 23, 2004, 11:17 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Bob,

I have to do obit searches all the time for all over the US. Do you have a last name? Sometimes, that's all you need. I'm assuming that since OM claims the child as his son, the son has his last name....

- Kimmy

Niosgirl, I am in the UK. If you can help in UK, please ping me on purebob at evomail dot co dot uk

Bob,

I believe you are on the right path and basically just need prayer and wisdom to decide the right timing, so I'm not even going to discuss that portion of this thread. I'm just going to pray:

Blessed are you, Lord our God, King of the Universe, creator of marriage and grantor of wisdom. I pray today that You will grant Bob Your wisdom and show him the proper timing when to give the copied letters to OM's GF. Please give Bob Your courage to do what he needs to do. Please give Bob deep inner serenity as he does Your will and acts in a loving way by allowing his WW and OM face the consequences of their choices. Lord, I believe in You and in Bob, and I completely trust that You will be with him and give him what he needs to do Your will."

I am going to remind you of an important fact. The two lovebirds have already behaved in a dishonest, manipulative manner and since nothing has changed within them, it is reasonable to think that they will continue to lie, sneak, and cover up. However, they are squirming BIG TIME because you are exposing their cockroach existence to the light of day. So I want you to remember and consider that they are like drug addicts right now, and you are doing an intervention.

Have you have been involved in an intervention with an unwilling addict?? It is NOT pretty. The addict will literally do ANYTHING to stop the intervention and get back to their drug of choice (whether that's narcotics or alcohol). I have seen addicts say the most vile things...blame everything and everyone...push the guilt button like it's a doorbell...fight...struggle...resist...even one dear friend of mine wet his pants thinking we would release our hold on him if he dirtied himself like that. It's DESPERATION, Bob, and that is where you are most likely heading as you try to intervene in this affair addiction.

So prepare yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually NOW. Get into a close enough relationship with God so that you know in your heart of hearts that you are doing what is right and best for your wife and marriage. Get inner peace--acceptance--courage--and wisdom. Because at this point you will probably start hearing stuff like:

"How could you send those to her NOW?? She is in bereavement and all you could think of was yourself!"

"You are ruining our lives and her life!"

"You're hurting the kids by forcing us to divorce!"

Yes--lots of heavy fog-talk (to be sure) but it's also addiction talk. It is likely that they will say or do ANYTHING to not lose their drug, and naturally blame and projection are going to be large parts of the tactic.

You have your head on very straight, Bob. Just keep reminding yourself that you didn't do this to OM's GF, he and WW did. You are just a reporter. You didn't ruin your life or her life, they did. You are only informing. You aren't hurting the kids by causing a divorce, they are. You are lovingly allowing them to experience the consequences of their choices to hurt all.


CJ

Now

Bob,

MY GOD!! That's what I get for going away for the weekend. What developments!!

My .02.

Sounds like OM just got rearended by his karma bus. Sad things happen all the time. IF IT IS TRUE!!! It does seem way to opportune.

How dare this OM pond scum ask your W to beg you anything. Why can't the spineless wimp call and speak to you directly?

The fact that he is still in contact negates all sympathy or empathy some of us want to extend to the slime ball. You must show proof to the GF. The sooner the better.
k

52, NO income, 3 ex wives....other GF's & A's..........What a catch???

And as your getting your info. from your WW.......this is the stuff she actually KNOWS about? sheesh

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From Bob Pure:
my WW is my only source of current information about the OM & GF.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then ask your WW for this info. (where, when, how). She seems to Know everything else.
Use the letters for leverage if you have too.
Tell her your feeling "compassion" for the OM's tragedy, but need to have this info. confirmed (as they are not trustworthy in your eyes).
And you DO NOT want to upset them in their grief period (which is true). NO lie there.

Should she balk at this request, it might be a big flag that something is amiss here.

Yes, good idea call the GF and only ask about the situation.
Don't have to get into the letters until you feel ready.

Krusht, welcome to "The Days of our Bob". My life DOES read like a soap opera lately doesn't it ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
And yes I think OM is spineless too for not calling me direct. But what has he done that displays the tiniest shred of commitment, courage or grit ?

I actually pity the man at what he has made hinmself into. What a pathetic state for Man to think acceptable for himself. Trying to steal a mans wife for tempory sneaky pleasure bylying to her, then begging the BS not to reveal his slimy acts?
That is just too low. And to think I was slightly intimidated by this man to begin with. After all if my WW chose him over me he must be a great , fine catch.

If and when my WW sees him for what he truly is, a pathetic wastrel user, she will be horrified.

FNCJ thank you for your sustaining prayer. I must release this to God its way to big for me to use rationality alone to decide upon.

It is true that my WW will dispise me for this, and may threaten divorce. It will almost certainly split up OM and his GF. Yes it is none of my doing, and yes it just brings the effects of the affairees actions into the light of truth but I MUST verify this tragedy first.

Bob,

I don't often post here anymore as my WH and I are now divorced. However, I lurk often and have read your posts. I would strongly encourage you to establish, through independent means, that this tragedy truly did happen - and happened this weekend.

I say this because, first with regard to whether it actually happened: In the early stages of my XH's A, for whatever reason, he told OW two very serious lies about our then infant son. According to OW, the first thing he told her was that I left DS unattended on the bed and he rolled off. According to OW, XH claimed that we spent the rest of the the day in hospital because DS was unresponsive and comatose! He did roll off the bed, but I was right there and couldn't catch him in time. He was not hurt one bit and we definitely had not reason to go to hospital. The second time, DS had tubes (I believe you are in the UK and that you call them grommets???)surgically placed in his ears because he had repeated ear infections. It was a very minor procedure and went well. After he came out of the general anesthesia, he was better than even before the surgery because he was no longer in pain from the ear infection. XH told OW that we had to go back to hospital several days later because one of the tubes dislodged out of the ear and was near his brain. Truth of the matter was we went back to the doctor several days later for a routine follow-up exam.

Secondly with regard to whether it happened this weekend: Something is just to convenient about all of this and it just doesn't set right. Could the son have been killed previously and WW/OM are now telling you this simply to keep you away from GF? Echoing all of the others that have responded, it just seems that if he truly lost his son this weekend, he'd be focused solely on that. Doesn't seem as though he 1) would have time to be calling your WW as much as it seems he is, and 2) wouldn't even be worrying about whether you sent copy of the letters to his GF.

Just my thoughts.

Regards,

Brit's Brat/BS-43
XH-45
DS-almost 3
D-Day: May 2002 (A began in 12/01)
Status: Divorce final May 2004 after 2 years of trying to recover marriage despite continual contact w/OW

Tell om he has three days to fess up to his girlfriend and then you will tell her.
Don't give the proof. Not needed. Simply let her know what is going on.

For arguments sake let's dissect this...

We'll focus on facts:

I think that we can agree that an A is like an addiction and from a biochemical point of view it is! There are many "feel good" substances released from the body during the first stages of infatuation and during a "fright/flight" reaction.

One of the best ways to "push" an addict onto the road of healing is an intervention. An intervention is where the addict is forced to deal with and face the ppl who love them and the facts of what they have done during their addiction/A.

Therefore...

Disclosure of an A is an intervention! It is not revenge. It is done to force the WS to deal with the reality of their behaviour.

IMHO, I recognize the need to be compassionate, especially if OM's has been killed. The reality of this situation is that during this time of crisis the OM is turning to your W and not his GF! This is not going to help your M...it will enmesh the A partner's even more. Your responsibility is to your family and saving your M and not to OM's family. Let the OM fix his relationships.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
<strong> Tell om he has three days to fess up to his girlfriend and then you will tell her.
Don't give the proof. Not needed. Simply let her know what is going on. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Chris I already told her without proof last Monday. It led to the reconciliation vacation for OM and GF that was cut short, apparrently because of this tragedy. OM got my WW to call GF and deny that sex took place. Desperate denial.

My proof will just smash their denial finally.

Well of course OM and your WW are panicking, they are losing control of their secret and ohhh so fantasy A. It's crumbling before their very eyes and they have completely lost all control of it, replaced with reality.

I would have profound suspicions as to the validity of the OM asking your WW to ask you to please not tell his GF.

I'd suspect that your WW is acting unilaterally in requesting this of you. After all, you telling his GF was NOT in their plans, nor their timeline.

Remember Bob, you are dealing with two people that have lost touch with reality and will say (lie) and do the most bizarre and unconscionable things.

I say do not believe anything you're told by them (even via third party), and a very low percent of what you see. Rely solely on what YOU know is fact, based on your investigation efforts and research.

Regarding exposure to OM's GF. Do what you can live with after this is all over, no regrets.

Good luck!
Jo

<small>[ August 23, 2004, 12:20 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

I think Brit's Brat may be on to something!! (HI sweetie, how ya doin'?)

Your W mightbe hearing totally outrageous lies told to HER in effort to buy OM some time ... he's really a tricky sort of man, isn't he?

If your WW believes it's true, it just might NOT be true!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Pep

IF true re: accident:

"The proof I now have adds nothing to what I have already exposed to her other than dates and some handwritten' I love you's and 'we had sex'."

Than why to add in the time of her son’s death???

So cruel, from you,

and all these supporters!
(This is big dissapointment for me...)