First to you Bob:

Great for you that you have come to a decision you can live with. What a load off your mind and heart.
In addition, Give your self a huge amount of credit for sticking to your plan A. (Its soooo tough when your WS is doing everything right In Your Face).

I agree that it is ultimately your life and your decision to make.
Even if we don't always agree, I respect your decisions & right to make it.
You have at least given things due consideration. That's all one can ask.

However, I hope you mean what you've written about what you'll do IF there is ANY more contact (including phone calls).
**************************************************
This is to everyone in this discussion.
(NOT telling you what to do Bob, just adding my opinion to the board).
I got that your going to do what YOU think is best....understood.)
Just want the dissenting voice out there. (As others are watching as we type).

Almost everyone here already knows that it is usually "pressure" that ultimately destroys an A.
Pressure from the Real World encroaching into the "A world".
Well, the GF and exposer is where the pressure in this case is going to come from.

From my point of view the OM is not Bob's problem and really never was.

It is his W's thoughts and feelings about a fantasy and illusion that never existed (at least not the "way' she thought) that is.
Problem is she still doesn't accept that reality.
This is the real challenge here.

This continued exposer is more for Bob's WW then for the GF. It really is.

Why?
GF is his meal ticket.
WW was more then likely just fun or extra with no intent EVER for OM to leave or remarry, ect,.

However, since WW doesn't get this....then she will hold out hope and pine away for OM as long as it takes. (See Bob's letters)
Sadly, it will be Bob's WW that pursues the OM and makes the contact.
She is the one addicted to the fantasy......so the fantasy is what must be broken.

Dealing with the OM is pointless.
For one you can't trust a liar like that. (not on this subject)
He will agree to Anything to gain himself some breathing space.
However, he knows that the WW is addicted.
All he has to do is let things simmer down and wait. He knows WW will contact him.
In fact, he's counting on it.
Remember OM knew Bob knew of A , yet contact.
He knew Bob told GF, yet contact.
Wrong person to go after.

The best way for WW 's bubble to burst is to have the OM Himself (while trying to save his a*s) have to DENY that the A meant anything to him.
To publicly admit to her that it was just for fun, that the WW never meant anything to him, and all the rest.
WW needs to hear this for herself.
The OM openly denying what she feels is "so right" will do more to break her addiction then a year of reading on this site.

Doing it this way will also take away another problem he has stated.
Bob's basically said he doesn't want WW returning just because OM got caught.
However, if she returns because OM LBing on her destroyed her feelings for him, then Bob can sleep easier at night.

Also if it happens this way the threat of it starting up again is greatly reduced.
Because the WW was not "forced" by BH to stop anything....she will have chosen to end it herself.......once she FINALLY (for the first time) sees the true character of her OM.

Doesn't even matter if GF believes the OM or Bob.
All that matters is that she puts pressure on him to get rid of this "crazy" WW.
Getting the OM to TURN on Bob's WW is the best Fog buster there is.

Going into a shell and waiting only lets things settle down and stabilize.
The time is now, while there is chaos going on, to push the OM into showing his true colors to the person who needs to see them....bob's WW.
We all already know what type of person he is (by his actions).
NOW Bob must force the issue to get the WW to see this side as well.

If he doesn't, it will be the WW who keeps this A going.
Even If not immediately, then some time when she feels that she can "get away" with it again.
She is the key.
Other then getting OM to truly reveal himself, he is irrelevant to the equation.

More Exposer to the GF will get her to push him into action.
She will just want you wife Gone, period.
As a result, to keep his lifestyle, OM will "turn" on the WW in an attempt to save his own rear end.
Talk about a reality check.
Good part is doesn't matter is GF takes him back or throws him out, as his HOLD on the WW will be broken.

Remember NC Walker and his "face to face" confrontation with the OM.
He thought that should do it.
However, he too discounted the powerful addiction the OM was to RAP.
He thought "threatening" the OM was enough and the way to go about handling ending the A.
Everyone was so encouraged by his doing this.

Unfortunately, the A WASN'T over for Her.
So Then what happened.
YOU got it. RAP contacts the OM herself. And of course he responds.
Just a recent example of how pointless it is to bargain with the OP.
They have no honor (when it comes to your WS) and definitely care nothing about the BS.

The Goal is not letting the WW hold onto the LIE in her heart.

The WW must come face to face with the fact that the OM is a player and she's been "played".
Unfortunately, Until she gets "it" not much else is going to get through.

The OM LBing on her and showing her the truth about the A (from his point of view) is priceless.

WW will not listen to Bob.
She will not believe anyone here (WS or BS).
However, she will believe the OM. His word carries more weight then most anyone right now.
When he Turns on her, she will be devastated, but she will get it.
So give him the opportunity to turn on her and Expose himself.
YOU provide the stage and he'll do the rest for you.

Fortunately, the GF is the tool to use for this.
Keep the pressure on her and she will eventually get the OM to Show himself (for who he really is and what the A really means to him).
GF will do this either:
Because she actually believes you about the A & is tired of continued contact
OR
She is really pissed and just wants Bob P. and the WW to go away and get out of their lives.

Either way the damage is done (to the fantasy) and Bob gets his W back (without so many of the doubts as she breaks out of the "fog" herself).

This way Bob gets to be a H and not a jailer.

[Will they end up together over this: Doubtful as OM doesn't want WW in that way...neither has a Job for goodness sake. In addition, they are together now (as the A is NOT over) so NOT doing anything will not change that.]

For those who claim more exposer won't matter.
IMO it could. Some people need actual or more proof then others. Just a fact.
Keep in mind, Bob himself admits that he had NO proof at the one time he actually talked to the GF.
She would not be wrong to assume that if he had anything more to show her he would of at the time. She has no idea actual proof exists, she has NO reason too.

In addition she needs to be kept in the know of all the continued contact going on (even during their "love trip".) Bet that would throw up some flags & cause some problems.

Anyway just a quick response to things being written.
later

It'll be dinner time soon and we're all pretty hungry so........
I'll get the charcoal out-------Flame away!

<small>[ August 24, 2004, 06:24 PM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

TR I agree with much of what you say. W Wis the one who doesn't believe her 'love' is a fantasy.

However I can do nothing to influence anyone's feelings.

If OM doesn't contact ever again its a good thing.

If he does I have a rategy for that too.

Either way I fully agree its my WW who will decide when the A is over and she commits to rebuild our M.

I wish I knew the rules here.

All I can do is act in prayer and plan A my tight buns off.

Thanks TR. I will return to your advice later and cogitate upon it.

"Then , to quote a fellow English Midlander "

My sis married a Brit 20 years ago.

They lived in the Midlands... Mustow Green Cottage to be exact! One of those 450 year old houses with a ~name~

Spent one Christmas there .... lovely, and as my BIL put it , "The coldest winter in 20 years."

Went to the local pub, The Dog, for a pint of the special Christmas brew.... lovely! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My BIL drove his Morgan sooooooooo fast on those narrow hedge-lined country roads that he and I ended up having the HUGEST arguement .. coz I really felt he was trying to KILL me!

We made up later, and he taught me how to play snooker.

Ahhhhhhhh happy memories.

Now they live in sunny California .... and I taught my sis's Brit how to wear jeans properly.

Pep

Pep, I know Mustow Green !! Expensive place to live.

I am not one to advise about driving sports cars thru the countryside though * ahem!* <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

However I AM looking darn sharp in my 4 inch-smaller-waisted jeans these days. I wear 'em GOOD ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I must thank WW and OM some day for my diet.

Or perhaps not <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Originally posted by Bob Pure:
Pep, I know Mustow Green !!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Have you ever gone to
Stone Manor Hotel?

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Cry 'Havoc!" and let slip the dogs of war !</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's Klingon isn't it?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

way2

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
OM has until after the funeral which is on Monday according to WW. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bob,
What happened with niosgirl research? I know she was reaching a lot of dead ends (no pun intended) but I hadn't seen a post from her since then. I'm from the north and have *never* heard of a funeral (even when an autopsy was performed, or family flying in, etc.) to be so long after death. (Honest, ignorant question: Why does it take over a week for burial to take place? Is it a custom or a religious belief that they are waiting *that* long?)

Regardless, glad to see you are hanging in there, holding onto your faith and being strong.

Best wishes and God bless.

Liny, OMs son was from his third M, was 21 years old and died in a car accident on Friday 20 August.

The week's timescale isn't unusual for the UK. Up to a month after death is quite normal. Just making arrangements can take a week. It did with both my Father AND mother's funerals.

21. Dear God, what a tragedy. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Bob, I think you’ve made very good decisions! Whatever happens from here, I believe you will have & receive continuous strength and wisdom from God to handle each situation the best you can. You’re doing great Bob! Hang in there my friend! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Blessings,
Suzet

Bob,
Thanks for the clarification. Had no idea of the timeframe. Meant no disrespect to you...just never heard of it taking that long.

Personally, don't think I could wait that long for closure (like there is any)--especially if it were to bury one of my children.

Take care of yourself and your children. You're doing real good! Hang in there!

Suzet thanks ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

LINY absolutely no disrespect taken. It is a LONG time between death and funeral in the UK unless there are religious reasons to speed up.

Its an awful time while aloved one is dead but not buried.

I can't help but think how OM feels if he has any humanity - his young son's smashed body lying in a box somewhere. Dear God.

I hope this tragedy brings him to realise what is valuable in life - family, love, faithfulness and he drops this A like the self-delusion it is.

Bob. It's a bank holiday on Monday. I didn't think funerals took place on bank holidays. Can't post anymore as I'm at work, but just had to mention that observation.

OM has until after the funeral which is on Monday according to WW. This is my personal timing. I have not given him any timing. will call him then to ascertain his intention.
...
I will prepare plan B fully for then just in case
Does this mean you are going to Plan B if he doesn't end it?
Going to Plan B is based upon your spouses actions, not the op's. He is pretty much irrelevant.

Also, your signature line has;
WW is karate expert. Had 1 month affair w/head coach,result of poor mutual EN attention
This is not so.
"Falling in love with someone other than your spouse is not caused by unmet needs in your marriage. It is caused by a failure to protect your own weaknesses." Steven W. Harley, M.S.

p.s. My youngest daughter was born in England. We lived there for 10 years.

Bob,
So sorry that the son died. Long wait until Monday (or after)

Hope the OM "comes to Jesus" and does not contact your W anymore. Stranger things have happened.

Stay strong and on course!!
k

Krusht I was very sorry too when I verified beyond reasonable doubt that this death occurred.

A 21 year old dying needlessly in a car accident is such a desperate waste of life.

Hard for me to empathise with OM when he is still concerned over love letters and his affair fantasy at a time such as this. What sort of a man is he? I am cut from very different cloth it seems. Yet this is my WWs 'soul mate'.

I can only pray that the God of Broken hearts uses this tragedy to heal all folks of goodwill involved in this mess.

Chris:

Thanks for posting that 2uote from SH. I saw it a long time ago, but couldn't remember where.

I think we all tend 2 make the wrong assumption at times as 2 why As happen, primarily.

What SH said is definitely the case in my sitch.

-ol' 2long

This stuff is all a new discipline to me.

I must learn this stuff properly.