I need help! It's been 9 months since D-Day for me and I'm still in so much pain I cry everyday. On my way into work everyday, I have to pass by the places (bars, restaurants, Marriott) where he took HER. If I change my way into work, I still have to go by bars and restaurants he went with her. His affair (physical and very emotionally involved) lasted 6 years....although he tells me they were an "item" for "ONLY" 3 years. ONLY 3 years! He minimizes the whole affair by saying he "only" f****d her once, they were a couple for "only" 3 years. ONLY 3 YEARS! That's a pretty long time if you ask me. Three years! Three years when he pretended to love me, three years when we would go on vacation every year and he would write her love letters because he missed her so much, three years when he gave her TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS from bonuses and part of his paycheck that he kept separate from me, three years when I almost died from a hip replacement surgery because he was too distracted to notice I was bleeding to death inside.

Since D-day when I discovered his diary and checkbooks, we are in weekly therapy with a really good psychologist, my husband is in AA (I discovered that in addition to the long drawn-out A, he is an alcoholic), I'm in Al-Anon, and he is changing back to the man I married. My program (Al-Anon) tells me to not be hard on my alcoholic and have compassion for him. In others words, "Let go and let God."

But HOW HOW HOW do you get over the pain of knowing your H thought about, fantasized over, and mooned over a bar whore (like a lovesick teenager)? I cry all the way into work. My H can be so sweet and supportive of me, telling me everything's going to be OK, that we're going to be fine, that he loves me. BUT I can't help but think and remember all the past 6 years when he would say these wonderful words and not mean them. When he would say "I love you" and call her as soon as he finished talking with me.

She was a true skank, a bar whore, who he says was "nobody special". But if she was nobody special, does that make me even less than a worm on the ground? If she was nobody special, she was sure important enough for him to throw away the love of his wife and two wonderful grown children. I told him I feel like a woman in the Far East who has been buried to her chin in sand and he has stoned me to death, and now he's coming over to my pulverized head and telling me to get up and get over it.

HOW do you get over the pain?

Brenda
BS-me 55
WH--him 56
grown children--daughter 27, son 25
married 33 years, together almost 40
6 YEAR PA & EA
D-Day 11/15/2003
working every day to forget, forgive, and rebuild
OW--a bar whore he met at an icehouse, a dive

denial, you are getting over the pain, but I suspect you are at the point of climax in your recovery. It seems that the 8-9 month mark is often the hardest because the relief has worn off and the anger comes through full force. After this it should get easier every month. And I am assuming here that you haven't been holding all this in for 9 months.

While Alanon tells you to have "compassion" for the alcoholic, that does not mean that you can't discuss your feelings with him. You should be discussing your feelings and asking questions, but just don't employ any lovebusters. You shouldn't be protecting your H from your feelings, that doesn't help him at all.

I sure hope you haven't been holding all this in for 9 months!

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? It would probably help you alot.

Dear Melody,

Thanks so much for your quick response. I'm happy to hear that maybe our recovery will get better from here on. I feel like our "recovery curve" has flattened and started going downhill. My anger is so great! And it scares me that sometimes we're almost "normal" again.

And to answer your question, absolutely NOT, no I have NOT kept my feelings to myself. I have ranted and raved and cried and sobbed and wanted to kill him. I am able to talk calmly about the whole A most times now. And I feel like I've read every book published about getting over an affair. One of the best books I read was by Shirley Glass "Not Just Friends". That book really spoke to me. And this Marriage Builders site has been extremely helpful from the very beginning. I remember just a few days after D-Day, we were going over the questionnaires. I thank my lucky stars I found MB early on! I truly felt like I would go crazy or die at the beginning of all this.

But my recovery seems to have stalled. I can't get past the hurdle of thinking about HER every single time we have sex, every time I drive to work, and all day the thought of her is just on the surface of my consciousness.

I want a magic pill to make me forget. But everyone tells me TIME is the only cure. It's been 9 months, yet sometimes it seems like D-Day was yesterday. I feel like if I can't quit obsessing, I'll drive him away.

I have a very hard time concentrating at work. But I know if I'm at home, I'll just continue obsessing and being sad. I just want to be happy again!

Brenda
BS--me 55
WH--him 56
grown children--daughter 27, son 25
married 33 years, together almost 40
6 YEAR PA & EA
D-Day 11/15/2003
working every day to forget, forgive, and rebuild
OW--a bar whore he met at an icehouse, a dive

Brenda, it sounds like you are doing just fine, but just at the apex at your recovery. I felt the same way as you around that time so I know exactly what you are going through. And it is good, to an extent, to feel that anger.

After a while it will come less and less often until you don't feel it anymore. You can always come here and vent to us, so hang in there!