Hello,
Over the last six months I have been on a slow paced discovery of my h activities on his business trips. All of it involving strip clubs, lap dances, etc. As well as suppsoedly the use of "models/escorts" for the show the do for the company he works for. Until March, he had always denied all involvement with women while at these shows. Reassured me that he wasn't around any and I believed him based on the fact that the company is in a male dominated field. The model was to be used to distribute literature because all the guys will stop for a woman and they get to plug the companies name.

With this in mind, even after the day they used the model, there were calls from 1200 midnight until after 1 am. I think it is around 5 calls. I recall on that particular trip him telling me the next morning he was up until 2:30 am.

Throughout all of this I have had to find the truth out through any means other than him. He would only confess after I had discovered the truth. He lied about there being girls around...he lied about making any calls to escorts services...he said his inquiries were for the show...he has lied about being in strip clubs...he lied about putting money on them...he lied about getting dances. It seems pretty obvious to me that he is lying about the escorts.

He is begging for to move on but insisting not have any more discussion about the trips and for me to quit searching for the truth. I understand how humiliated he feels...but I am humiliated as well...utterly broken inside. He says he lied because he knew it would kill me but this long trail of discovery and all the lying is what is killing me. Before I can even begin to move on, I feel like I need to know everything...every detail of everything.

I am so confused about what I want...

I am waffling back and forth with my emotions...but mainly I am just a mess of tears and the pain is unbearable. Does it ever go away?Oh Lord, please help me...please help me. I am so weak and fight crying every second of the day.

Can anyone tell me what may be going on with me because I have zero objectivity now. My mind is so cluttered and the thoughts take my breath.

nl

<small>[ August 23, 2004, 08:43 AM: Message edited by: nothingleft ]</small>

I think letting him know about how much it hurts you is a good thing.

Since you cannot change the past, as they say, what is done is done, you need to determine if you are willing to forgive him.

I do not know how much good dreging up the past will do, in my case the more details I get about the past, the more hurt I get. I would suggest that being open and honest with each other is crucial.

He needs to be aware that some trust has been broken and the lies have to stop. At all costs, the lies have to stop.

Good luck and keep posting.

nothingleft, is it out of line if I suggest you change your name? It's such a sad handle.

I strongly, strongly recommend you purchase a copy of the late Shirley Glass's book NOT "Just Friends". She has a large section on the injured partner's strong desire to know everything, and the typical reluctance of the involved partner to cooperate in this discovery process. Her discussion is very insightful and filled with good suggestions for finding common ground and drawing the truth from your partner.

After the Affair might cover some of this too, but Glass's book is what I'm reading right now, so that's the one I remember.

GC

EDITED

<small>[ September 09, 2004, 03:26 PM: Message edited by: Tenn25 ]</small>

Canthishelp,
My h would agree with you about dregging up the past, but it is important to me to know exactly what has happened... Why? To help eliminate all the details floating through my mind as possibilities...it might help me to know so I don't drive myself crazy wondering. Maybe I'm wrong but I need a true grasp of the reality I was living because it wasn't anything I thought. I do agree knowing is very painful but not knowing is just as bad. Thanks

gray cloud,
Thank you for replying. My name...is how I feel... This has taken everything out of me, out of my marriage, out of my life. I am devastated by what I thought our life and love was based on, knowing what it really is and has been about...has shaken me to the ground. It has stole everything from me, especially my joy. I don't know what anything is anymore.

Tenn25,
Sorry to meet you this way but I often think about this...just trying to explain the presence of the girls to a friend...it just doesn't make sense. If I were being told this by a girlfriend of mine...I would tell her she's a fool to believe him.

How could he have done this to us and our children? How could he do it knowing it would ruin our life together? I guess the obvious answer, it didn't mean the same thing to him as it did me. I have been pouring myself into him for years...trying to protect his ego, be supportive, be a positive, be happy when he is around, in hopes of avoiding a scene like this. Problem is, I have always felt like I had to compete for his attention because there was always something or someone that had his attention besides me and my children. I think I lost this competition... Maybe I won but the road to getting there has proved to costly. thanks

nl

One other thing, my children... I know in my heart this marriage is on a downhill spiral, this hurt, I fear, can't be overcome. I know I need to leave because as much as he is trying to make up for his betrayal, I'm too hurt to recieve it.

This will totally crush my children and as much as I know I need to leave...I can't bear the thoughts of breaking their foundation too. My children need him in their life and he is there now...finally. What a mess... This is so unfair to them. I begged him not to do this...not to go to strip clubs. I didn't even think escorts were a possibility...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My name...is how I feel...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">nothingleft, you might not feel this, but I bet you know it in your mind - you have lots left. I know it's devastating to be where you are. I live in that neighborhood, too. I thought my marriage was bulletproof. We loved each other so much. I never dreamed I'd be feeling such a loss. I woke up every day feeling lucky and thankful for who was next to me, and now that feeling is gone.

Your life has been hit by a storm, but as the smoke clears and things get dusted off, you'll start to see all the pieces of you and your life that remain intact.

Sorry, this is all facile and trite. Don't I know it. It's also true.

GC

graycloud,
I pray you are right because I am so tired. I can't even begin to try to forgive and forget. Not because I don't want to but because I am so haunted by the fact that he allowed someone access to something so sacred to me. Someone else has had her breast near him and danced so provactively that he wanted to pay her money to do it for just him. He was turned on enough to pay for it. Although he hasn't told me himself...I know he has used the escorts too. Why not just tell me and put me out of my misery?Oh God...please help me... I just keep dying inside everytime it comes into my mind. I have no energy for kids or myself. I wake up crying and go to bed crying. He gets upset everytime I show emotion but hurt is all I feel. Someone please tell me how to get out of this hurt.

nl