Please help me decide if I'm being silly?

H had A 28 years ago. M 32 yrs. D-Day 6/1/04, I confronted him and he admitted it. OW was our friend, his ex-fiance. They never discussed it after A was over & she continued to visit our home up until her death 10 years ago. H ended affair after 1 wk, and has had no other A's since.

I feel as though H failure to insist NC was left the opportunity to possibly resume A at a later date. Because OW continued to come into my home, it could have happened at any time. Now, I would like to see LNC for my personal needs, perhaps to satisfy my need to see H tell OW that he is committed to our M and has realized his mistake and loves me.

Intellectually, I know that H is a different man now and has been for many many years, and that he chose me. We have a great M, BUT the fact that H never closed it with OW makes me feel insecure about his sincerity that he ended it upon realizing what he really wanted.

Even though she is obviously out of the picture, I would like to see in black and white, am I being silly?

Yes

Now, I would like to see LNC for my personal needs
WHat is LNC?

perhaps to satisfy my need to see H tell OW that he is committed to our M and has realized his mistake and loves me.
Isn't she dead? How can he tell her anything?

LNC...Letter of no Contact.

Perhaps what I need is for H to understand that I need to hear from him what he SHOULD have said to her. The fact that he never initiated NC still hurts, and leads me to believe that he would have picked up again if he so felt the urge to do so.

Perhaps I just need an odd sort of assurance, or a love letter, I don't really know. I just think it might help.

But he did have the opportunity to pick it up again and didn't. Being dead eliminates the opportunity again.

Jce, let me give you a word picture of what you're doing...

You're sitting in the waiting room of a doctor's office. All the patients around you have a life threatening form of cancer. While they're dealing with toxic cancer treatments and the threat of death, you're concerned about a broken arm that has healed long ago.

By your own words, you say he's a different man and has been for many, many years. So which man do you want to write the letter? The man then who also is long dead and do you want to take this fine man back to those days?

I am guessing but since birds of a feather...he too may have had a drug problem. Did you figure that into the scenario?

Are you just wanting a pound of flesh? Keep it up and he just might dig the woman up! He chose you, be thankful, and let it go.

I'm too young maybe. My attitude is that you should get over it. So much water under the bridge.

A letter to a dead woman? Nah.

GC

<small>[ August 23, 2004, 03:00 PM: Message edited by: graycloud ]</small>

I kinda hate to bring this up, but your husband had an affair with his ex-fiance, they stayed friends and she continued to come over for the next 18 years?
It may not have been physical, but do you think it ever really ended?

<small>[ August 23, 2004, 03:16 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jce052:
<strong> LNC...Letter of no Contact.
.........and leads me to believe that he would have picked up again if he so felt the urge to do so.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JCE. But he DIDN'T have the urge. You already know the outcome of this. You already KNOW that he did not resume his affair. So how you possibly believe that he would have picked up again when you know he didn't?

See what I mean?

There is no need to send a no contact letter to a dead woman. The story has already ended, JCE, and the affair did not resume.

Now, I certainly do not believe that you can just "get over it," that is unrealistic. I would suggest that you get some counseling to deal with this shock. It makes no difference if it ended yesterday or 30 years ago, the shock is still the same.

Thanks all for your input. I needed to hear some thoughts from others that have "been there". Even if I do have a unique situation, the pain is still the same. Since the knowledge of the A is still new to me, I'm still seeking healing and anything that will help me to move on. I need to keep it in perspective.

Chris, this is exactly my point. Did he continue to have EA after the PA was over? Perhaps that's why I feel such a need to see the letter. And perhaps an admission and an apology from H that he DID continue to have EA.

Thanks all for your input. I needed to hear some thoughts from others that have "been there". Even if I do have a unique situation, the pain is still the same. Since the knowledge of the A is still new to me, I'm still seeking healing and anything that will help me to move on. I need to keep it in perspective.

Chris, this is exactly my point. Did he continue to have EA after the PA was over? Perhaps that's why I feel such a need to see the letter. And perhaps an admission and an apology from H that he DID continue to have EA.

In other words: do I indeed know all of the truth?

JCE, you have to get over it. But not "just" get over it. You probably need to recover much in the same way anybody would, but you can rest a little easier knowing that the danger of this A is gone.

If it feels unresolved, you probably need your H to open up more.

GC

JCE I'm thinking that 28 years ago, the concept of a NC letter wasn't known because MB concepts (and even Dobson's Tough Love concepts, which also include NC) were not published or well-known. Back then, it was more of a "sweep under the rug" type of coping.

You're having delayed anxiety from the issue, and discovery is upsetting, regardless of when it happens. Don't dig up the past, don't relive old events that she was at and wonder about her or H's actions. Remember, he chose YOU.

Mel is right, some counseling would certainly be in order. If the thinking of Chris is correct (even if YOU think so, though it may not be true), you will want to involve your H in the counseling process too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jce052:
<strong> Please help me decide if I'm being silly?

H had A 28 years ago. .......

Even though she is obviously out of the picture, I would like to see in black and white, am I being silly? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think you are being silly, and I can understand how you feel about the extended contact.

Let me tell you just a little about my relationship. Maybe you will see something that can help.

My wife and I have been together for 30 years, married for 28.

In the two years or so that we lived together before marriage, I cheated on her with dozens of women. A number of times, I did it in our bed while she was at work.

After a time, she got upset with me, had one (or more) one night stands, and left me.

I treated her the same way I had treated women for years, the only difference was that I suddenly realized that I actually loved her. This was most upsetting to me, as leaving or being left in a relationship had previously never bothered me in the slightest.

I was a player and a user, and I didn't care who I did it too.

Once I realized that I actually loved someone, my whole world came unglued. I chased after my girl, won her heart back. I then married her. We have been together since.

While it is still a bit painful to look back after all these years, we both realize that the past is just that. There is pain on both sides, but there is no way to erase it.

We still live in the same city that all my indiscretions occurred. Since there are so many people involved, there is no way for me to completely avoid old 'girlfriends'. Over the years, I have had to talk to many of them and had a few that contacted me with sex on their mind. I politely, but firmly refuse. I now tell my wife whenever that happens. I know that she trusts me, but I want her to be completely at ease.

I have addressed all this many times with my wife over the years. We love each other, and we can't undo the past. On the positive side, we have a very successful relationship, business, and grown child.

The reason for this condensed history is to encourage you to discuss the past with your husband until you are comfortable with it, then try your best to forget about it. Once a wound has healed, even though the scar may remain, it will fade over time. Re-opening an old wound, once healed, is generally a bad idea.

I wish you and your husband all the best in your relationship.
Gimble

What were his actions over the ensuing 28 years?

Did he demonstrate being a faithful husband? Or did he demonstrate being a cheater?

Therein lies your answer.

Alot of input, thanks everyone, I'm processing. Obviously I am still in "recovery from shock" mode.

A little more on the situation since I did not expound.

JPH: Yes, at the time we were all drug addicts. Myself, H & OW, we grew up in the hippie drug culture. And yes, I'm sure that this contributed considerably to A. There was also another incident several years later with a different woman that did not develop into A, but would have if she had responded. Again, he was on drugs.

Also, the man H used to be died 20 years ago when he chose to give his life to Christ. He has been a great H since that time. Not perfect, but a cut above most.

WAT: Out of all of the posts, yours seemed to stand out most. Once we both chose to follow Christ, HE changed us completely. Had we not, we would not be M now. I am sure of it. There was no security before Christ. H has demnonstrated being faithful since coming to Christ.

Gimble: Your testimony gives me hope.

You all give me hope that I can get past this.

We are now very open and honest with each other. Just completed the Personal History Questionaire and discussed it thoroughly. I know that his A was more about H insecurity and drug addiction than anything else. It was not anything I did or didn't do.

Since it has only been 2 1/2 mos. since D-Day, I am just having residual fallout from the fact that after 20 years of great marriage, he still never felt the need to be honest with me, especially since we have had such an intimate M, (not just sexually). He only admitted it when I asked him directly if he had ever cheated. I obviously had suspicions. Also, the fact that he never officially closed it with OW as in the topic of this thread is another issue I'd like answered. Perhaps there are no answers to my questions, and I just have to accept that so that I can heal.

I know we can move on and get past this, (not "over it", but "past it"), we have way too much to lose. We've been through so many other things that alot of couples just give up the M over. I'm just trying to get a foothold as to why he has been spiritually renewed, but never felt a need to be honest with me. What I believed before about our M has not been based on truth, and that hurts.

I guess the bottom line is that if we are going through hell, don't stop to smell the sulfer.