okay I haven't posted in a while & I consider myself more of a lurker these days due to my circumstances but just when I think what I read is enough I come into this situation....

By the way, I haven't been able to post under my new name b/c I lost my password and MB never supplied it to my alternate email address so for the most recent post you will find me under Strength_ThroughFaith.

Now...My H is incarcerated for a 4 yr sentence. Before he went to jail I had just come out of Plan B and began a combined recovery. During our time of separation and when I allowed him to move back into our home he was burgaralizing country homes while people were away at work during the day hours. He was addicted to morphine and other pills & was diagnosed w/ Bipolar disorder also. His destructive behavior did not end there. Of course I found you all b/c of his "one night stand" that I found out 2 mo's later was a EA PA that lasted god knows how long!

Rewind some time back...I find out throughout the months of reconsilliation that he has had multiple A's our entire M but no more then 4 right? Wrong? Some 17 months later the plot thickens! And I am so upset. When H went to jail I told him all we had to hold on to was whatever we could do to fill our EN's & that communication has always been poor so we need to come clean w/ our mistakes and build a strong foundation so we will have a fighting chance at a decent M someday. Mixed feelings...and tons of lies later...He writes me a 10 page letter back in April informing me of the details involving his 4 A's he finally admitted to.

Believing that I knew all I needed to know I stupidly gave myself a new found reassurance and hope in our M and vowed to keep open communication, forgive, and stay true while he was away. Later ...even through the findings of paturnity & being made aware that his (ONS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) lead to a child (8 mo's old!) I vowed to keep my committment.

Now, while some 6 mo's into this separation...some 4 months after the paturnity findings...and the night before I celebrate my 6 yrs of M I find out there has been many, many, woman, many lies, more betrayal then a person could consume it seems. I got together with H's brother, & my roomate and we get to drinking and playing some card games Saturday night. H's brother comes to me & says that he can't stand his guilt anymore. That ever since I first found of H's A's and broke down crying to him "Why, Why didn't you feel I was important enough to hint around at some point during all the bs you witnessed being in both our lives in our M?, how could you watch me be abused this whole time, how could you keep all these lies, how could you be apart of the betrayal"? He said he didn't know me like he knows me now. He has gained a huge sense of respect for me and has just got to know me for me and not me w/ H.

He breaks down. He informed me of many instances my H had stepped out in our M. That he hasn't been completely truthful and I was a fling that lead into a M b/c of our child on the way & H has informed him of this many times. He didn't expect our 2nd D & had already continued to live his life as he had previous to our M & so he would do anything to keep me even lie to get me to stay. (H actually told me this himself years ago when I suspected a A 6 weeks after our 1st child was born!)

H's brother does not want to cause me pain, he is trying to relieve himself from all he has been associated w/ being that he was soooo close to H & now the truth subsides & it didn't come from H even when I was in my strongest moments & begged, pleaded for the complete truth & he swore to god, in the name of our children and M that all the truth was told.

This sickens me. One of his A's was w/ my very own sister for god's sake. H's brother is right, he will continue to do this to me no matter what. I see so many things that have changed while he has been away but it could all be another way to trick me into being there to support him...a way to keep his kids...all the things I do for that man....I'm so sick right now I have no faith in him at all today...or in the future.

I feel like it's D-Day all over again. My anniversary was absolute agony & I can't see myself living this way for another 4 years...wasting away my youth waiting for a 50/50 chance that I can change 28 years of garbage in a person....7 years of it with me...

I keep feeling like I'd cheat my kids if I left him for good and got a D when really they are being cheated now b/c he put himself away.

I know I have spoke too much...I just need to know, is this worth saving...? I know that's a dumb question to ask but what should I do now. I don't want H to know all that I know...it would mean nothing..I don't need a confirmation...things were so detailed I know they are true I just can't believe I was so blind! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> He could only provide a half sided truth to what I already knew..never once truly thinking of what I deserved..only allowing me to know what he thinks I should & playing me like a puppet. I wouldn't be surprised if he has many woman writing him and leaving him comminsary and he's still asking me for all the letters, all the money...food, clothes, long distance bills, travel every weekend..just to boost his ego and show he can still have the best of both worlds...Minga what am I doing?

MB I'm here...please talk to me...

<small>[ August 23, 2004, 03:54 PM: Message edited by: Finding_Clarity ]</small>

Is this the first time he has gone to jail? I would wait to make a decision to see if he gets clean and attends some recovery programs. If he doesn't, I would throw in the towel.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Finding_Clarity:
<strong>
Now...My H is incarcerated for a 4 yr sentence. Before he went to jail I had just come out of Plan B and began a combined recovery. During our time of separation and when I allowed him to move back into our home he was burgaralizing country homes while people were away at work during the day hours. He was addicted to morphine and other pills & was diagnosed w/ Bipolar disorder also. His destructive behavior did not end there. Of course I found you all b/c of his "one night stand" that I found out 2 mo's later was a EA PA that lasted god knows how long!

Rewind some time back...I find out throughout the months of reconsilliation that he has had multiple A's our entire M but no more then 4 right? Wrong? He writes me a 10 page letter back in April informing me of the details involving his 4 A's he finally admitted to.

Later ...even through the findings of paturnity & being made aware that his (ONS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) lead to a child (8 mo's old!)

Now, while some 6 mo's into this separation...some 4 months after the paturnity findings...and the night before I celebrate my 6 yrs of M I find out there has been many, many, woman, many lies, more betrayal then a person could consume it seems.

He breaks down. He informed me of many instances my H had stepped out in our M. That he hasn't been completely truthful and I was a fling that lead into a M b/c of our child on the way & H has informed him of this many times. He didn't expect our 2nd D & had already continued to live his life as he had previous to our M & so he would do anything to keep me even lie to get me to stay. (H actually told me this himself years ago when I suspected a A 6 weeks after our 1st child was born!)

This sickens me. One of his A's was w/ my very own sister for god's sake. H's brother is right, he will continue to do this to me no matter what.

I feel like it's D-Day all over again. My anniversary was absolute agony & I can't see myself living this way for another 4 years...wasting away my youth waiting for a 50/50 chance that I can change 28 years of garbage in a person....7 years of it with me...

I know I have spoke too much...I just need to know, is this worth saving...? I know that's a dumb question to ask but what should I do now. I don't want H to know all that I know...it would mean nothing..I don't need a confirmation...things were so detailed I know they are true I just can't believe I was so blind! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> He could only provide a half sided truth to what I already knew..never once truly thinking of what I deserved..only allowing me to know what he thinks I should & playing me like a puppet.

I wouldn't be surprised if he has many woman writing him and leaving him comminsary and he's still asking me for all the letters, all the money...food, clothes, long distance bills, travel every weekend..just to boost his ego and show he can still have the best of both worlds...Minga what am I doing?

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let's see, he is drug addicted, currently in jail for burglary (3 more years?),bipolar and has had more than the 4 (hello?!) A's you originally thought, had an affair with YOUR OWN SISTER, fathered an 8 month old child from a ONS, and it has just been reconfirmed to you (from his brother) that only he married you b/c you were pregnant and that he never intended to stop living his single lifestyle even though he was legally married to you.

Finding Clarity, admittedly I did a cut and paste but come on, are you really asking if you should stay? You COULD stay but at what cost to your own mental health and that of your children?

I remember you from before and there were other negatives not mentioned in this post. Marriage Builders does not work when there are addictions or abuse and you are looking at both BIGTIME.

All the Plan As and Bs in the world aren't going to keep THIS guy in line. Is this what you and your children want out of life, what you deserve? Are you in IC, I can't remember. I would strongly encourage you to see someone if you are not already.

Sorry to sound so negative but honestly if someone else had written this post would you tell her to stay? I know it's hard, you say you love him but girl, you have to love yourself too! You and the children deserve way better than you've gotten so far. KB

Finding clarity, You need to leave this guy alone..he's a no good, stop wasting your life on him. I know me tellign you this is like the pot calling the kettle fat, because I too am letting a loser go, but just because you've invested so many years on a loser doesn't mean you have to keep on doing it.. He's not going to change, he's a repeat offender...Move on now, while he's still incarcerated, don't wait..He's not goign to change no matter how many chances you give him...think about your daughters..

Pep: She needs a wake-up call like you gave me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

This is the first time he has gone to jail yes. But not the first time he's been in trouble and has gotten arrested since we've been together.

I hate this entire situation. I don't know if I can have any hope in him anymore & I think as I come to the realization of it all I start to feel guilty & start to look for answers to questions I know solely on my own.

I am in therapy. I have been since March. She helps me a lot. Helps me sort through these thoughts. A couple months of a huge sense of resentment consumed the majority of my sessions. Now that I've made some healthy moves for my D's and I, I've been quite pleased in myself. I thought I was doing okay. I felt like I had a least a 50/50 chance at a good H when he'd come home. Thought that this was god's way of giving me time for me, and him time to realize all he'd taken for granted & hopefully change each other all along coming together again and as one coming to him.

I guess I read into too much. It's hard to know what's intended for you....all I ever wanted was a family better then what I had growing up. Two biological parents to raise the kids until they are in their 20's and out on their own....
I think of all the memories..all the time I've spent focusing my every dream on the idea of this family the good lord gave me...& now I'm just so disgusted with it all I'm ready to just throw it all away. (not meaning my life or kids...my fake M)

Guess I'm getting rid of the IDEA of what I once had..and having to get rid of all those hopes and dreams rather then actually missing what I never really had in the first place & maybe that's the hardest to deal with. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Finding clarity, you know what you have to do....the hardest part is doing it...who cares if this is his first time going to jail...hello what is that normal these days? The fact that he's been in trouble with the law a couple times is bad enough. I mean I stayed with my man despite his bad habits, but on top of that cheating..oh noo that makes everything worse and not worth it.

I so totally understand the whole wanting to be a family thing, that is the major reason why I stuck in there. I was raised by both of my parents who are still together in a happy environment (well most of the time) I was supposed to have that for my self too...but it's not happening...so oh well all I can say is that I tried (boy did I try) and I can't throw away my sanity, and values away any more...