I am seriously thinking of exposing the A to the OW's parents. They are very upstanding Christian folk and I think they may help me (albeit indirectly) to end the A.

I am afraid my H will be angry, but what have I got to lose? I may already lose my marriage... but this way I know I did all I could to help him out of the fog.

My question is, how do I go about doing this without offending the OW's parents so they don't want to help and take her side in defense? Does anyone have any experiences or copies of letters they can share????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hurt, the most commonly used method is a phone call where you introduce yourself, explain your situation and ask for help in ending the affair.

I wouldn't send a letter but you might offer to meet with them and show them proof if they ask for such a thing.

And be sure and express your sympathy for their position and apologize for having to tell them such an unpleasant thing.

And yes, your H will be mad, but thats ok. Just make sure you don't tell him beforehand. BIG MISTAKE. I don't know that I would even tell him afterwards, just don't deny it if he asks.

How long have you been in Plan A?

ML,
Well this is our third bout with the A with the same OW. The first A started 10/03 - was told 11/03 - ended 12/03. The "rebirth" of the second A was shortly thereafter and ended 2/04. We have been on path to recovery - asked for no contact & was getting it for 5 months. Then she called him out of nowhere and of course is was conveniently a down on our rollercoaster of recovery and he caved.

I guess I'm just afraid I'll get the "my daughter would never do that". The only true proof I have is my H's admission to me and some cell phone records showing their home number and mostly blocked calls (she thinks I don't know it's her that way - hate to burst her bubble - she's the only one who blocks their number!?!)

Help...I'm fading fast... Please read my other post from this evening...

Mel!

Her H posted here as TRYINHARD ... he's completely fog-bound.

LADY H&C .... You were strongly urged to call the counseling number at the top of this page... did you make that call?

Pep

Hurt, I think you are almost ripe for Plan B from the sounds of it. You have been dealing with this for almost a year.

But I would first expose it to her parents. At the very worst, they might defend her, but it would cause her great embarassment. On the other hand, they might put pressure on their daughter. You can't have a guaranteed positive outcome, but you know the outcome if you do NOTHING: NOTHING. So get on the phone tomorrow and talk to them.

Pep & ML,
I haven't called MB yet - my H won't commit to couseling (it's a waste of time & money in his eyes)... Doesn't say so much for our marriage, now does it?

I am quite possibly Plan B bound - I'm losing myself in the numbness of my feelings - I've been so twisted from one extreme to the other I can't tell up from down. I feel like I'm going crazy - white padded room, here I come!

Have either one of you had personal experience w/ exposure? Like I said - I don't really have "evidence" - how do I do this???

BTW, my H moved out "for a few days" this morning. He's going to stay w/ his parents now. Is that Plan B?

No, Plan B is when you send the WS a loveletter telling him that you love him but that you want to end all contact with him until he has ended the affair. You then completely cut off contact until that happens.

But before you do that, you really need to expose this affair. Expose to his family, your family, friends and her parents. I would do this in one day so you are recovering from one fallout rather than several drug out over time.

Why did he move out?

You don't have to have your H in counseling with you. Harley could assess your situation and set you on a path.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hurt & Confuzed:
<strong>

Have either one of you had personal experience w/ exposure? Like I said - I don't really have "evidence" - how do I do this??? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lots of folks here have done it, its real common. If you have no evidence, you simply tell the person what you do know and ask for their help in ending the affair. You tell them that you are trying to save your marriage. With close family members, you ask them for their moral support.

I'm afraid that'll be in vain (plus probable unpleasant outcome for you), because as "upstanding Christian folk" they weren't successful in raising her up (obviously), otherwise she would never have a R with a married man, thus they won't be able to make her breaking up with your H even if they try...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Belonging to Nowhere:
<strong> I'm afraid that'll be in vain (plus probable unpleasant outcome for you), because as "upstanding Christian folk" they weren't successful in raising her up (obviously), otherwise she would never have a R with a married man, thus they won't be able to make her breaking up with your H even if they try... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh nonsense, you don't know any such thing. And no one ever said they could FORCE her break the affair, only that they could put pressure on the affair. That is the whole point of exposure. Exposure causes great conflict in an affair.

BTN, I don't think you understand the concept of exposure or it's many benefits, which is why you are causing so much trouble for hurting people on this forum who are trying to end their spouse's affairs. It is a tried and true practice in Marriage Builders that many have benefited from.

Thanks all. I just got off the phone w/ H. He said the one thing I could do in all this to make him never speak to me again is to expose the A to her parents. He doesn't see the necessity in involving her parents.

His parents already know. I am very close with them. My parents know about the first two times, but not this time. They are very protective of me and generally don't get involved until things are completely out of control. Then, they only make it worse and it's hard enough on me already.

He decided to leave as he said he needed time away from everyone (me, the OW, etc.) to think. So, he's now co-habitating with his parents.

I somewhat agree with the whole upbringing comment..if they didn't raise her with enough sense and decency to leave a married man alone than what does that say about them? My vindictive side would LOVE to do this, but my somewhat more rational side (extremently somewhat) is worried that would just destroy everything. My H is a very stubborn, hard headed man - even without the fog and if he says he's never talking to me again, he won't... even if he changes his mind. He won't because his pride won't let him.

Aaarrrggghhhh! Does this ever end? I am so ready to be done with this. This is really not so much fun! I feel like I am drowning and everytime I try to come up for air, someone keeps pushing me back down just as I catch half a breath! Good nite all!

Hurt & Confused... I've been there and understand your pain... and just said what was in my mind and from my experience, when I learned that nobody can help you but yourself and God...
Hope I did not contribute to pain... if so, please accept my apology...

Above I wrote my opinion, now I'll feel free to give you an advice:
Think well before doing anything, and do anything if you think that'll help you to go through this hard time... And trust me - it'll get better!

Best wishes!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hurt & Confuzed:
<strong>I somewhat agree with the whole upbringing comment..if they didn't raise her with enough sense and decency to leave a married man alone than what does that say about them? My vindictive side would LOVE to do this, but my somewhat more rational side (extremently somewhat) is worried that would just destroy everything. My H is a very stubborn, hard headed man - even without the fog and if he says he's never talking to me again, he won't... even if he changes his mind. He won't because his pride won't let him.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, you said the same thing, just better than myself...

PS & in general: Principles might be the best ones, but they are not always applicable to so many kinds of people... and every individual we deal with needs these principles customized accordingly...

(just MHO again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hurt & Confuzed:
<strong> Thanks all. I just got off the phone w/ H. He said the one thing I could do in all this to make him never speak to me again is to expose the A to her parents. He doesn't see the necessity in involving her parents.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H&C, of course he doesn't see the necessity in telling them, he doesn't see a necessity in ending the affair. He doesn't want to end the affair and will do anything to protect it. Exposing won't work in his favor so he will make EVERY THREAT to scare you into silence. [they all say they will leave or "never talk to you again"]

However, exposure will put great pressure on the affair to end. Affairs cannot survive without the air of secrecy, it takes away all the fantasy aura that is necessary for the affair for survive. The embarassment places pressure on the affair.

BUT, you have just thrown away this very valuable tool by telling the WS of your plans and shot yourself in the foot. Now, he will have the OW call her parents and tell them that some "insanely jealous nut" [that would be YOU] who is married to a "friend" of hers is overly suspicious. This is why it is important to NEVER tell the WS your plans to expose in advance.

So you can kiss that opportunity good bye!

ML... (I've counted till ten <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

I don't know what in my words triggered your reactions/insults (I guess this begun on Bob's thread, and that was the only time I remember exchanging opinion with you)... I never had intention of hurting anyone (you included)...

Anyway, just to tell you - it is not Me hurting you, it is not Me being your problem...

Hope you know this after all.

For your own sake.

I agree with Mel that the opportunity to expose to her parents has likely passed - for the time being.

But this opportunity may come again and IT HAS TO BE DONE - notwithstanding any misguided contrary advice you may read here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hurt & Confuzed:
<strong>So, he's now co-habitating with his parents.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, do HIS parents know?

If not, tell them without tipping off your H that you intend to do this.

H&C

Even if your husband won't do counseling now---you need to. Immediately.

I hear you about the fear of exposure and the pride issue. But frankly, I don't see any way you will have a successful, thriving marriage until his pride is "broken". Plan B is a perfect time to "out" the affair to all parties---but you may want to do it sooner. With regards to timing---I'd discuss that with the exellent counselor you're going to employ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

888-639-1639 for appointments for Harley Phone counseling

SYMC for Penny Tupy.