I'm in plab B now. Not a peep from anyone. This is harder than I thought. I think about how long I can do this, but then again, we don't really have a choice at this point, do we?

Anyway, I was thinking. My WS continues to say that she still loves me, just not like that anymore. I've come to realize that this is really an issue of respect. Respect and love go hand in hand. I feel that she has lost her respect for me over the years. It's too long of a story to go into because I do have to leave for work soon, but briefly...

She has grown so much in her career. Promotions, more money, lots of confidence, etc...
I have grown too in ways, but not as much as she would have liked to see I suppose. I am not cocky and over confident. I,m more that type of guy who likes to help everyone out, you know, the guy who can't say no. I've got a big heart, alwayys there for friends. This has always bothered WS. She always said I spent too much time worrying about everyone else and not enough time for me.

I think in the beginning this was a virtue that she admired, but she has changed through the years, and now perhaps she would like me to change in the same ways. I don't know. I do know that she would like me to be more of a take charge kind of guy. Or maybe she's just comparing me to OM, and in the coming months she might get to miss my qualities. I do feel that she has lost that certain amount of respect for me, and without that respect she cannot love me in the ways I need her to, or she needs to, in order to be with me.

Now being in plan B, how do I get her to see things differently? I am going about my life, taking care of business as usual, and actually starting to get involved in a few different things. I've never been alone, this is hard, but I'm doing it. That's got to mean something. But how do I get her to see these changes, my strengths, my qualities, if there is no contact. I can't stand not hearing her voice, not being able to hold her. You all know what I mean, I won't go there.

I've gone dark for now. I fear her next move will be through an attorney. I think OM might be coming around to meet her family soon. This is a very bad thing. To me it means I'm out and he's in. I can't believe this is happening so fast. It's like I never even existed. I heard that my WS is asking why I'm having such a hard time just moving on. HELLO!!! Is this suppose to be easy? Sitting alone in this big stupid house every night. Go to bed alone, wake up alone.....

I can only hope that I did a good plan A, and that the OM shows his true colors soon. All my friends say she has made up her mind and I must move on. They try to fix me up with other women, and I resist. This gets harder every day, but I will try to hold on...
Joe

Joe,

Plan B is difficult, but it's meant to protect you from the horrors that the affair brings. Your wife is having her needs met full-time by the OM now, and that rarely works out as well as they believe. Will her family support the affair??? Did you send them a copy of your plan B letter??

I would say "sit tight", and don't hang out with those who have a negative impression of your marriage and are encouraging you to end it. It's only going to weaken your resolve to see this through.

I did not send a copy of anything to her family. WS feels that whenevr I contact her family, I am manipulating them, so I've decided to back off.

As far as her family's feelings about the A...
They say that they don't agree with what has happened, but it's their daughter, and they feel they must support her in whatever she chooses, right or wrong, as long as she knows what she wants and she is happy. Arrgh!!! Even the family is fogged...

Joe, hang in there and remind yourself of all the reasons you went into Plan B. It's not supposed to be fun, but it does get better as you detach from her. Pretty soon you will feel better than you have in some time.

I am presuming you did send the letter? Any reaction from her?

Hi Mel,

I got no reaction, no response. But you tell them not to contact you, so why would they respond?

I fear that plan B will make me feel better, better to move on, when all I want is my WS to come back. That, though, is starting to seem unlikely. But you never know, right?

I don't want to post letter here, I fear she may be reading here. Trust that I used all the experience from all of you, and it was a good letter.

I am having a hard time with this. I don't want to lose her forever, though it seems I already have. It seems that nobody in her family wants to speak against what she is doing because it upsets her and she pulls away from them. This is so very complicated. I fear that she has made up her mind this time. She came back to me to see if it would work, the feelings weren't there for her(how could they be in such a short time?) and she decided to give up trying. Too soon I thought , but nothing I say matters.

I really, really tried Mel. Really I did. You wouldn't believe all the nice things that were said and done by both of us while we were trying to work it out. I can't believe someone could say those things and then say they didn't mean them. I can't believe someone could hold you that close and that long and say they didn't feel it. So many tears, so many I love you's. I can't make sense of it. I can't get past it.

joe, sometimes they do respond with anger to Plan B letters. Often they try everything to break no contact because they don't like losing that control.

I know that you are concerned, but this is the best time to start focusing on your own life and learning to live alone. I know it is not easy, but it prepares you any eventuality and allows you to use good judgement if she does end her affair with the OM.

And while there are no guarantees, most affairs do not last. And in those that do proceed to marriage, they have an inordinately high divorce rate. In other words, her affair with the OM is not likely to last.

JoeC...
I do feel your pain. I'm also in Plan B and have never really lived alone. It's very hard. I wake up and go to bed alone every night. The one GREAT thing is that I do have my son to occupy my time. He is my little angel. If I didn't have him I would be so totally lost right now. Thank God for little miracles!
My WH also says I need to move on and be happy. He says a lot of the same things your WW is saying. Sounds so familiar! He says his family will support him no matter what because they know he's not happy. Blah...blah....blah!!!!!!!
FOG talk!!!!
I'm hoping that plan B will help me heal and then if my marriage can be saved so be it but if not then at least I will be able to move on with my life and find someone else. Don't get me wrong...I don't want to find someone else but I have to accept what may come.
Good luck to you.

TR,

It is so sad, but true. We must prepare ourselves for what seems to be inevitable, for me anyway. But I still have hopes that she will change her mind just like she did a few months ago. I hope and I pray. I'm so darn lonely. And it's not just the loneliness that gets you, it's the lack of motivation, the lack of desire. With your world torn apart, and the future so uncertain, I can't even get myself to be interested in much anymore. I used to be the one that cheered everybody else up, now nothing interests me.

It is so easy for a WS to tell you to move on. If it was that easy to move on alone, why did they find a new relationship first, instead of just leaving because of their unhappiness. Not a single person in this world can honestly say they enjoy being alone. We are the strong ones, remember that.

Joe

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by joe c.:
<strong> TR,
It is so easy for a WS to tell you to move on. If it was that easy to move on alone, why did they find a new relationship first, instead of just leaving because of their unhappiness. Not a single person in this world can honestly say they enjoy being alone. We are the strong ones, remember that.

Joe </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">EGGZACKLY!! Well said JOE!!!
I think about that OFTEN. Why did it take them to have an A to come to this conclusion that you need to move. They are really fogged out! It's obvious that if it takes another person for you to suddenly realize you were never happy, YOUR more than likely feeling like ending your M due to your A! Think about it! I hope some WS's read this because if you could for you could take 2 minutes and think rationally; it makes perfect sense.

Joe,
I know you don't want to hear it, but you must hang in there and focus on you NOW! Life will have meaning once again, please believe me buddy. Your WORTH as a MAN, A PERSON and HUMAN BEING is NOT defined by your spouses INDECISIVENESS or their A! PERIOD! Go read my ALIEN ABDUCTION thread and get a laugh. Realize it's not just you, it's all of US.

I'm pulling for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FamilyMatters:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by joe c.:
<strong> TR,
It is so easy for a WS to tell you to move on. If it was that easy to move on alone, why did they find a new relationship first, instead of just leaving because of their unhappiness. Not a single person in this world can honestly say they enjoy being alone. We are the strong ones, remember that.

Joe </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">EGGZACKLY!! Well said JOE!!!
I think about that OFTEN. Why did it take them to have an A to come to this conclusion that THEY need to move on?
They are really fogged out! It's obvious that if it takes another person for you to suddenly realize you were never happy, YOUR more than likely feeling like ending your M due to your A!

Think about it!
I hope some WS's read this because and take 2 minutes to think rationally; it makes perfect sense. Your spouse was fulfilling certain EN's and now this OP is fulfilling some. Fulfilling EN's takes AWARENESS and INFORMATION, communicate this to your spouse. There's nothing magical about an A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Joe,
I know you don't want to hear it, but you must hang in there and focus on you NOW! Life will have meaning once again, please believe me buddy. Your WORTH as a MAN, A PERSON and HUMAN BEING is NOT defined by your spouses INDECISIVENESS or their A! PERIOD! Go read my ALIEN ABDUCTION thread and get a laugh. Realize it's not just you, it's all of US.

I'm pulling for you. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ August 24, 2004, 03:36 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

FM,

I did read your thread, and I did laugh. Thank you for your spin on things and your support. I too have been keeping up with your story. We must both hang in there. Life has a funny way of working itself out. It's the challenges in life that define who you are. Ultimately we will come out of this better people. Good luck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by joe c.:
<strong> FM,

I did read your thread, and I did laugh. Thank you for your spin on things and your support. I too have been keeping up with your story. We must both hang in there. Life has a funny way of working itself out. It's the challenges in life that define who you are. Ultimately we will come out of this better people. Good luck. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks Joe. I was pretty down last nite, but I refuse to stay down. Good Luck to you as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Joe,
The sad truth is that we can’t make people love us, we can’t control how other people feel and we can’t make them see things our way. At this point, your WW is simply going to need to come to the right conclusions on her own.

That means that for the foreseeable future, you have to fight through the grief and loneliness of Plan B and go on with your life. Sitting and waiting for her to change isn’t going to make it happen any sooner but experiencing a real relationship with the OM just might. Now that he’s going to be called upon to do more then provide her with the thrills of a cheap, clandestine, sexual liaison, let’s see how he stacks up.

As for you, now is the time for you to learn what it is to be on your own. And honestly, it isn’t so bad. As for her starting a divorce, why worry? She will do what she wants no matter what, so there’s nothing you can do about it anyway. EXCEPT! Yes, except to be the personification of everything confident and honorable.

That means that while you’re still married you don’t date other woman. You don’t bad mouth your WW. You don’t ask others about her or what she’s doing. Instead, you seek ways to make yourself as attractive as you can and learn to enjoy who and what you are. And here’s the pay off. She will notice! She may never call, but she will notice. She will find a way to notice. Honest. All you need to do is stay the course. How you behave and handle this sitchuation will tell her more about you then anything you could ever tell her.

Good luck and come here often. Folks will give you tons of support.

coach

I do hear everything you are saying Coach. Thanks, I 've been working on me, but some days are just tougher than others.

Ya know, that's something I've heard from alot of friends, that I never have a bad thing to say about my WS no matter how badly she treats me, no matter how hurt I may be.

And her own family tells me, and my WS, that they think it is amazing that I still look out for her best interest, still worry, still care. I don't see how a real person couldn't.

I'm going to dinner with my little sister again. I'll be back later.