To regain some control of my situation.

My WW has beat me to the punch on everything. She lied to me to get ME to move out of the house even though she was the one having an A. Of course I didn't know about it at the time. I was naieve and blinded by love and fear. When she said that we should separate for a while to work on some things I agreed all too easily because I wanted to do what ever it would take to work things out and she said she needed space. Now I can't even go to my house because she changed the locks. *note to self: nice guys finish last*

To justify and make look OK her A she said she wanted a D before anyone found out. Then her take was, hey were getting a D, it's OK if I am seeing someone else. So there is some exposure but everyone looks at it as, they're getting a D and she has started seeing someone no big deal.
Of course she hasn't filed yet. My mom talked to her mom and let her know about the A and her mom was like well it's probably for the best that they are getting a D and there is always going to be a man in WW life. WTF??? I'm not sure what kind of picture has been painted of me, but nobody seems to care that my WW is having an A, that there is a possible D on the horizon and that there are 3 kids involved and 8 years of history. It is just all too surreal. I have been trying to be the nice understanding guy. I have let her know how I feel. I have been trying to keep myself busy. And she just keeps bopping along having her A, lying to everyone, threatening but never filing D. I am going crazy. I just feel like I have handled everything so poorly and lost just about all control of the situation. Any ideas??

I am trying to think of any further ways of exposure that might make her uncomfortable. I am trying to think of anything that will give me an upper hand. There has to be someone out there who has figured out how to regain some control of a seemingly hopeless situation.

Pssssst...

If the house is yours as well, you can come and go as you like. She can not kick you off of your own property.

If you own the house as well..have the police escort you back home. Then don't be so easily deceived. You have met the monster...remeber it's face. She fully intended to remove you from the house and was extremely crafy and manipulative in carrying out her agenda. Call for help from the Harleys.

Shhhhhhh...don't want to much up plan B for those trying to establish it.

--Noodle

Good grief...

Sorry 'bout all those typos..didn't check it before posting.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

parkem, I don't have any concrete advice but just want to lend my support.

I am also in the position of having very little support. Not only am I in a new area (my choice to be away from my family) and have no new friends yet, but NO ONE in our families understands...on either side. My family doesn't understand why I just don't file..of course they are afraid of me being more hurt if we get divorced in June. His family seems to be just letting him go on as he's going on. Our friends do not want to get involved.

So there is NO ONE saying to him, "Hey, do you understand what you're doing? Think about it for a minute." In my case it does not matter that everyone knows he's dating. He even has a lot to worry about from dating and it's not affecting his behavoir. He's military and even though we're separated, even though I INITIALLY agreed to dating others, if someone decided to get pissed at him, they could get him into a lot of trouble. But these are things he is not thinking of and they are not things that I can tell him.

I am giving him all the space that I can right now. There's really nothing else I can do. I think that all that you and I can hope for right now is that they get over this "phase of fog" and at least think about the possibilities. Unless you're willing to plan B. For me, that is not something I'm willing to do right now, and I'm not sure that you're in the right place to do it either.

Noodle, my wife will simply not let me in the house. In our state the men literally have no rights in these situations. If the woman doesn't want you at the house then you are not allowed at the house. She called the police on me one time and had me removed from the property. I explained to the officr that it is my house, that my name is on the title, that I made the last mortgage payment, that no divorce has been filed, that there is no restraining order, that there is no history of violence and that I should have as much right to be there as she does. Bottom line? He made me leave becuase she didn't want me there. I have been gone from the house for 3 mos now and there is no way that I know of for me to get back short of reconciling with her.

Maddyk, I have been giving her all the space she needs. But I am tired of all the lies, all the blame being on me, all the guilt she has been shoveling my way. She is so good at it that I start falling for all of her crap and start apologizing. I am ready to take some kind of stand and regain some control of things for my sanity. I have to somehow let her know that the way she is treating me is not OK. That I am not at fault for her A. That I will not feel guilty. Hopefully in our counseling session tomorrow we can get some things on the table. I am starting to realize that it is going to take something major, some kind of miracle or act of God to turn things around. Even if my wife stopped her A and decided that she loved me, I don't think her pride and ego would allow her to admit she made a mistake of this magnitude, and to apologize. But I do have faith in miracles and I know she still loves me so that is what keeps me going. I am just really frustrated today and my stomach is in knots about our MC tomorrow.

I would be willing at least to make a phone call to verify that. A strong possibility is that the cops in question simply didn't want to deal with any of these issues and preferred to escort you out.

How about a phone call to the local station? Ask to speak with the sheriff? Tell him that you own the house..that you wish to return. If you are truly barred from this action..I would force the sale of the house.

What state do you live in? Possesion is 9/10 of the law..but still..ownership counts for something. [makes note to never live in such a state]

There are gaps here...I think you are missing some very important pieces of this puzzle. Call a lawyer about your rights as a homeowner.

Noodle, I live in WA. I have talked to lawyers and they said while legally I could go back to my house they wouldn't recommend it because she will just call the cops and have me removed or arrested.

Hmmm..this indicates a rather profound gap in the legal system.

If it is entirely within your rights to enter your home at will..what exactly are the grounds that she is having you removed on? I'm not being facetious or trying to irritate you with questions that you have already come to acceptance of the answer to....I genuinely suspect that there is some stone left unturned that would be helpfull. Have you spoken with the local police chief? What was his counsel? Essentially..as you are a part owner of the home...they are aiding in its theft. They might be more willing to work with you than you think if they are familiar with the situation. If this is just an instance in which everyone has their hands tied except for WS [and never for one second doubt that she knew this and played her cards to accomplish exactly what she wanted]..I would give serious consideration to forcing her to either buy you out..or forcing the sale of the house. I believe in restoration of the marriage..even after such extremes as this...but I would seriously reconsider allowing her to deal treacherously with you and gain by doing so. Fog dwellers don't come out of it until it ceases to profit them.

just my .02

Noodle, yeah it's all f'd up. I feel so taken advantage of. I am going to see what tomorrow nights MC session brings. It is our first since separation and hopefully not the last.

Hi,My name is Really Messed Up.Im very sorry for your pain,But i had to reply to this being the person having an A on my husband of 4 yrs.The pain on both sides is unreal and hard to put in to words.I cry all the time for what i did to my spouse and my children.I beg god for his forgiveness everyday and pray that i get passed the affair and try to forget the man from my past who i still love very much.I love my husband and want to do anything i can to fix it.I even told my husband about it.It happened twice and it took everything i had in me to do this even if it meant losing my marriage there are consiquences for everything we do in life and your wife no disrespect is very cold and callous and doesn,t seem to care about anyones feelings but her own.you sound like a man who gave his everything and someone like her does not deserve a man like you.Life is short as we all know cut your losses move on and find a better life it will get better and so will the pain.God Bless You Good Luck
R.M.U

RMU, I urge you to read through the main site again.

His BS is addicted and in a "fog". Yes, she may never come out of it or she may come out of it too late. It is good for parkem to continue to improve himself so that he is better in the end, regardless of the outcome of his marriage. But I think the "life is short, cut your losses" statement is something that is far too early to apply in parkem's situation. Is this what you want your spouse to do, "cut his losses"? I'll bet it's not. Seems to me you want another chance. Maybe parkem's wife will want one too and if it's not too late, maybe he will be able to give it to her.