Hello, finally <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> (I have been lurking for about a week and finally have the nerve to come out of hiding)

My story:
I found out 1/22/04 that musband of 9 years had an EA (turned phys. twice) from Fall 2001 to June 2002. He is in the Navy and was sent to college in order to earn a commission. He met this girl in one of his classes that Fall. In the meantime, I have also gone back to school full-time. We had small children at the time (one of them in treatment for cancer) so our schedules alternated to avoid daycare, etc. Come to find out he was skipping classes on a regular basis to get to know this OW even better.

During Christmas break, they had no contact, but in the Spring, they purposely scheduled their classes so that they had 2 together. Again, they would skip all the time. I had no idea, he maintained A's in both classes somehow. He never called her from our home, he was never late coming home, he never spent money on her ... no way for me to see any change in his behavior.

In fact, that Spring, our son was declared in remission, so we decided to try for #3 .... During his EA. Hello??? I got pregnant at the end of Feb. (I found about 85 emails that told me most of their A timeline.) He told her that he didn't know how I got pg. And their relationship carried on. She started demanding more of him, she wanted it to turn into PA, which it did twice in May 2002. (She was also a married woman with a son of her own.) During the May break, H and OW again had practically no contact. He was/is a very good family man. He spent all of his free time with us. The only contact they did have was the occasional email to his secret account.

So, June 2002 rolls around and OW decides she isn't getting enough from MY H, or her own, and she finds a new BF and basically dumped my H in an email. (Thank God he saved them all, I am hurt by most, but the fact that H was dumped while he was married can sometimes make me laugh in hysteria, lol.) He continued to stay in contact with her off and on. She would tell him about her new R and then eventually about her D from her H.

Fast forward to 1/04. I am 3 months pregnant with #4, and we are both in our final semster of college.... H left his secret email account open one night and while he was at school the next day, I found it. I was devastated. There 85 love letterd from her. From during the actual A, to being able to see my H try to win her back from her new OM. Here is my picture-perfect marriage to my wonderful sailor going down the drain for over 2 years, and I had NO idea.

My current situation is this: Absolutely NC to OW since the last email (which was already 2-3 weeks old when I discovered the email account), he has begged for forgiveness, he asked me to start MC with him, and found a church for us to get reinvovled in (I had major God issues when my son was diagnosed with cancer and pulled away from church around Spring of 2001). My problem is that I am having a hard time forgiving him. He makes all of these grand statements, and tells me how he is a changed man, but 3-4 days after these big talks, he is back to himself again. We know which EN's weren't being met for each of us, so why isn't he trying to fix that now?

My main question is, why is it so hard to forgive and forget?

Sorry this got so long!

BS (me): 28
FWH : 30
4 kids: S8, D6, D21 months, S 6 weeks
D-day: 1/22/04, NC ever since
Moved to new city: 7/04

First off, welcome to Marriage Builders. You are in the right place to learn how to recover your M, if that is your desire, which it sounds like it is. My answer to your question:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My main question is, why is it so hard to forgive and forget? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The timeframe for M recovery is 2 years. 2 years! You have only known for 7 months, and may just now be realizing what you need to process. Forgiveness is a ways down the road, IMO.

AND, you will never forget. Ever. It might hurt less down the road, it might look different to you, but you will NEVER forget. It is a part of your M now, it is a part of you now. Trying to deny that, or force yourself to forget, will only make your personal recovery that much harder. Again, IMO.

You are here now. You will learn lots of new stuff from this site, books, and the great people who help others like you each day. Have hope for yourself and your M.

SS

Trying to Forgive....I can't expound any further than what Spider has written. I'm where you were about six months ago. I will say that reading your posts shows your strength. A mother of four (one of which is an Exceptional Family Member), going to college and now working to forgive. You are a very strong woman. Just wanted to let you know.

I'm not very experienced with the rebuilding yet, but I'm getting there. Working each Plan and using advice by those who have overcome. I will say I am very experienced with the Navy (name says it) and can decipher practically all of the related issues.

Hope this "bump up" helps gain some responses from what I affectionately call the "experienced ones".......Good Luck and God Bless.

Trying to Forgive....I can't expound any further than what Spider has written. I'm where you were about six months ago. I will say that reading your posts shows your strength. A mother of four (one of which is an Exceptional Family Member), going to college and now working to forgive. You are a very strong woman. Just wanted to let you know.

I'm not very experienced with the rebuilding yet, but I'm getting there. Working each Plan and using advice by those who have overcome. I will say I am very experienced with the Navy (name says it) and can decipher practically all of the related issues.

Hope this "bump up" helps gain some responses from what I affectionately call the "experienced ones".......Good Luck and God Bless.

Dear Trying to Forgive,

Maybe you shouldn't worry about forigveness right now. Maybe it is just a little too soon.

Take care of yourself. take care of your famly and try to build a good marriage (together)right now. If you build a good relationship, taking care of each other, it may be easier to forgive down the road. That is what i am hoping for myself!!

Is your H getting some IC to resolve issues about why he had the A?

Gillian (BS)

trying_to_forgive, it seems that the 8-9 month mark in recovery is the hardest for most people. It is when the relief wears off and the reality of the cruelty comes through. It is a very hard time. However, I theorize that it is often the apex of recovery, and it gets better and better each month afterwards.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He makes all of these grand statements, and tells me how he is a changed man, but 3-4 days after these big talks, he is back to himself again. We know which EN's weren't being met for each of us, so why isn't he trying to fix that now?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I suspect that neither one of you is meeting the other's needs. Do you know WHY he had this affair? What happened in your marriage? Because if you don't find out what happened here and correct it, your marriage is not likely to recover at all. Do you know what his top emotional needs are and are you meeting them?

Dear Trying to Forgive,
I'm new here just like you and beleive me it has helped in just the past day to know that I am not alone. I too am the mother of 4 - 2 of which were conceived after his A began. My husband is also a good family man, good provider etc. etc. He only saw her if I had a business meeting out of town, or when it was impossible for me to find out. Never spent any money on her, just met her out in the boonies, did his thing and said thanks. That's his version. I tend to beleive him because I am very cautious about our budget and 99% of the time know where ever penny is. My one consolation was that SHE degraded herself to the back of a car to satisfy physical needs. I know I am a bigger person than that. He has come back to Church or should I say has finally accepted Christ and that has helped immensly. We do nightly readings together now as a couple from a book called Night Lights and a weekly study from a book called 15 minutes to a better marriage. They make you take a good honest look at eachother and yourself. Once again, I am sorry for what you are going through, but you are not alone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
brg

me 33
him 34
4 kids (b11, b9, b7, g2)
Married 11 years affair lasted on and off 7 yrs
dd 05/03/04