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#1176405 08/24/04 11:13 AM
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i am very new to this so please be patient. i learned about 4 months ago that for the past 8 years of our 12 year marriage, my husband has been seeing someone else. we have four beautiful children (2 of which were after the affair began). i never suspected anything and found out accidently by reviewing his text mails over the internet. we have been working on putting our marriage (what is left of it) back together. it was never love just sex kind of thing (don't really beleive that - 8 yrs!) but i see a great change in him. i am just having a really hard time dealing with resentment. any help out there?

#1176406 08/24/04 11:22 AM
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Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is miserable when you first find out, but does get better.

Start in Plan A - you can read all about it in the link in my signature line.

Has your husband stopped all contact with her? That is a must.

#1176407 08/24/04 11:21 AM
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Welcome! (Unfortunately.) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I'll leave the formal intros for Orchid, believer, Pep, et al!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Start reading!!!!!! (And keep posting.)

There's alot of good info (materials *AND* members) who can help you get you through this.

Best wishes!

#1176408 08/24/04 11:27 AM
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Believer...You are amazing!!!!!! You *still* "beat" me to the punch---take a look at the times of our posts!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

#1176409 08/24/04 11:36 AM
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yes he says he has stopped all contact with her - but sometimes i don't know whether to beleive him. However, i will say - he is trying everything under the sun to make it work. we do a reading together every night, he's opened up communication and shared things i never knew about him. it is just hard to live with the fact that i've been married to a stranger for 12 years. but i do love him. he was my best friend. we did a marriage encounter and that really helped - now it is me trying to deal with resentment. i do want to get over it but how? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

#1176410 08/24/04 03:58 PM
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Dear brg,

Getting over the resentment and re-building trust and respect is the tough road for the BS. I know becuase I am on it. It is a bumpy road too. Don't give up and don't give in to your anger but do find productive ways to vent.

I'll tell you what has helped me. Hope you find some things that are useful and I hope that you have some good ideas for me!

1) I have an individual counselor. This has helped me sort out my feelings. My WH and I also meet together with both of our IC's for MC. My husband is also in IC working on his personal issues. I acutally think that my husband's IC is the most important counseling for our marriage.

2) I write in a notebook--especially all the angry hateful things I wish I could say to my husband but don't. Some of my notebook pages have huge holes in them where I have written so hard with the pen.

3) has your husband been accounting for his whereabouts to you? It has helped that I feel it is unlikely he is continuing his A because I can check up on him. Over time I have been checking less.

4) When I start obsessing a lot, I put on a book on tape to take my mind off things.

5) Take care of yourself. Take care of yourself. Spend time with people who cheer yor up (they don't have to know about the A). Work in things that make you feel good.

Hang in there!!

Posting here about my resentment also helps!

Gillian BS 36
WH, 38
2 DD
married 11 yrs
d-day 1 12/18/03
PA 11/1/03-12/18/03
d-day 2 7/7/04
found out he lied about detail of PA
and EA 1996-?

#1176411 08/24/04 04:18 PM
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Dear Gillian,

Thanks so much for your words. It seems no one know what I am feeling unless they have gone through it. One thing I am still real unsure about are all the initials so I am not using them nor do I understand them. However - yes he is accounting for his time. It helps that our closest friends (another couple) are helping us through it. They (the guys) work together and he knows that if he has time that is unaccounted for I can always ask our friend. I also write, but it seems like I can't stop asking questions I would rather not know the answer to. When I get the answers, I get even angrier and more hurt. Why is it that I hate her even more? She was married also with 2 children. We have 4. Tha is 6 innocent lives they put at stake. He swears it was just sex - and an ego stroke for him that this woman wanted him. He never spent money on her in the whole 8 years - I know this for a fact - I handle ALL of our money. That did help a little. We aren't seeing counselors, but we do have a prayer support group through a marriage encounter that we went to and that helps. We also do nightly readings from a book I bought at the Christian Book Store and a weekly reading from 15 minutes to a better marriage. Those have helped some. I know this is not much but it was a start for us. He also lied about the length of the affair at first. He didn't want to hurt me. At the beginning it was only once or twice a year but in the past year and a half - it was getting more intense and butting into his "real" life. So I felt betrayed again when i found out the "whole story". I do beleive he loves me now. But is it too late? I am 33 years old have an established career. He is 34 and also established. We have 4 beautiful children 11,7,9 and 2. Neither one of us grew up with great moral values. We were both abused kids who were making it to the top. Somewhere along the way he just got lost (for a long time). But I think he is sincere now. Should I try to make it work? Only time will tell. Thanks again. This is helping.

#1176412 08/24/04 04:31 PM
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for the past 8 years of our 12 year marriage, my husband has been seeing someone else.

When the affair was really long term like this one, I think YOU deserve massive support for your recovery.

I cannot stress enough how much better off you will be if you get proper marriage counseling at this point in time.

To avoid counseling right now is like proclaiming your marriage not worth the effort. Do not delay. Get counseling and stick with it for a minimum of one year.

I am not kidding... recovery is HARD and it is even harder after a prolonged affair.

There are major character issue about your H that you have every right to question at this time.

Anyone who can live a double life for so long has problems with conflict avoidence. Big problems.

I doubt your M will survive and find full recovery without intense marriage counseling.

In the meanwhile, read "Torn Assunder" and/or "Surviving An Affair" .... if you haven't already.

"It was just sex" is not very likely based o the length of the affair. Does OW's husband know of the affair?

That is my opinion. Your M can survive, but it will take counseling, not just church support and a message board.
Please take very good care of yourself.

Pep


<small>[ August 24, 2004, 04:33 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

#1176413 08/24/04 04:43 PM
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Thanks for the advice. Would it surprise you if I told you that I am a certified counselor. It happens to the best of us. That's a joke. I can't see someone telling me things I already know in my head. Trust me. He is willing to go to counseling - since I have found out about the affair however, he is a totally different person. It's been close to 4 months of intense communication between us that had never really happened in the previous 12 years. I think that is a start. I read in one of the articles that it is more dangerous to bring up the past than to concentrate on the future. My childhood before my marriage is one for horror books - but I survived it in one piece. I will survive this also. We have faced his issues of conflict avoidance and are working through them. I do think our marriage will make it. No - OW husband does not know. It would make matters worse. There would be a lot of unnecessary violence. At this point and time our children's lives have not been disrupted because they don't know. I will not allow them to suffer unless I know for sure the marriage will not survive. Thanks for your support <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

#1176414 08/24/04 04:46 PM
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Originally posted by brg:
Thanks for the advice. Would it surprise you if I told you that I am a certified counselor.

Not a lot surprises me these days.

Pep

#1176415 08/24/04 04:48 PM
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No - OW husband does not know. It would make matters worse. There would be a lot of unnecessary violence.

Who would be violent?

Pep

#1176416 08/24/04 04:50 PM
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The other husband. Not a good man to upset. Violent so forth. Not that I don't beleive my Husband doesn't deserve a good beating (lol and jk) but it would cause much distress to all the children involved.

#1176417 08/24/04 04:58 PM
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The other husband. Not a good man to upset. Violent so forth.

Foolish woman to fool around behind the back of her violent husband.

Foolish other-man to fool around with the wife of a violent man.

.... can we all say "duh"

Pep

#1176418 08/24/04 07:50 PM
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Hi BRG
just want to say welcome. I am a woman who also had to deal with my husband having led a double life for a long period of my marriage. We are three years into recovery now and our marriage is now much better than it was when so much sttod between us. It was absolutely devestating to learn that what I thought was what it was was not in fact the marriage I had. I too felt like I had lived my life with a stranger. You seem to be doing well so far. Dealing with resentment is hard and only a natural response to what has occurred in your life.

I second Pepperband's suggestion that counseling is a must for your marriage. It is extremely hard to recover from any affir and emotions are high which makes it very hard to look at rhe issues and work to repair a relationship. Also although you are a counseler, sometimes knowing something is hard to apply when you are too close to a situation. I am a nurse. It is easy for me to be objective when I deal with injured or sick children even in an emergency, however when it comes to my own children I become a hysterical mess when they are hurt. I can't separate myself from my relationship with them.

Anyway welcome. I am so sorry you are going through this.
C&S

#1176419 08/25/04 08:13 AM
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Dear C & S,
Your response has been the most helpful in the sense that it is somewhat similar in the length of time. I am also very sorry for what you went through, however you give me hope since it's been three years and it is still working out. Just one thing - does there ever come a day, when it is not the only thing you think about? When do you stop looking over your shoulder to see if she is there? As the days pass, it has gotten a wee bit better everyday - but just minimally. I've actually had maybe 15 minute intervals where my heart doesn't hurt. I still love him - but it is not the same and I miss that most of all. He has become the man I'd always dreamed of having - and he hasn't let up. Even with his demanding career, His devotion is now to me. Is it too much too late? Will my feelings ever come back? Sometimes I don't want to know the answers.

DD - 5/03/04
Found out about length of affair 7/25/04

#1176420 08/25/04 08:25 AM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by brg:
<strong> The other husband. Not a good man to upset. Violent so forth. Not that I don't beleive my Husband doesn't deserve a good beating (lol and jk) but it would cause much distress to all the children involved. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">brg, most WS' say that their affair partner's spouse is "violent" so that you won't expose their secret. See, exposing to the spouse is often the death knell of the affair and that is why they don't want you to tell. I don't believe for a minute that he's "violent." If he were truly "violent" then she wouldn't have been risking his ire for the past 8 years.

If he were told, it would be extra insurance against the affair resuming because there would be 2 spouses watching from both ends. It is very hard to carry on an affair when BOTH spouses know, not so hard if only one knows.

I would also add that it would be an act of decency to warn this man that he is being destroyed behind his back. If my neighbors bookkeeper was stealing money from him, I would warn him, there would be no excuse to not do so. It is the exact same principle here. This man has a RIGHT to know what is going on in his life so he can protect himself and his children from her.

Please do the compassionate thing and pick up the phone and tell this man. He needs to know, too, so he can have the same chance to restore his marriage that you got.

#1176421 08/25/04 08:45 AM
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brg:

Hm... Your H will be far from the first WH 2 say "it was just sex", and the OW, if she ever comes clean with her H will likely say "the sex was nothing, it was the emotional bond."

My W had an 12-yr A with a coworker. I found out in January 2002. We've had a bumpy ride ever since. Contact even continues, though Penny Tupy (a MB-certified marriage coach you might consider talking 2) believes that the affair has really been over for at least a year.

Upshot is that Pepper is right. Recovering from a long term affair takes a long time. So long in ol' 2long's case that I STILL find myself at times wanting 2 throw in the towel. Like last night... ..only this morning, I remembered that not recovering is not an option, so I'm hunkering down and dealing with the latest upset.

Gillian: "My WH and I also meet together with both of our IC's for MC. My husband is also in IC working on his personal issues." [edit: somehow pasted the wrong 2uote in there!]

I find this an absolutely fascinating concept! Kind of like working with Penny or the Harleys. I think it's rare that ICs will work with both spouses 2. Wish it wasn't, because my W won't do MC again, though I've offered recently 2 go.

all my best,
-ol' 2long

<small>[ August 25, 2004, 08:52 AM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>


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