Yesterday was 1 year D-Day. The worst day of my life. The day that I tore my H heart out, crushed my son, and hurt my family and friends beyond words. All last week I was fighting a huge depression. Doing everything I could to keep my mind focused.
There has been no contact for five months. I've been doing everything I can to rid myself of feelings for him, and building trust and love in my marriage.
Yesterday evening as I was leaving the gym there was a flower on my car. I called and thanked my H for the flower. He said it wasn't from him. I tried to ease his mind by telling him that it was probably from a girlfriend who hasn't been to class in a while. I know, I'm weak and a coward! I'm pretty sure it was from OM. Why!?!?! Why remember that day? That is not an anniversary I want to remember. The pain is too deep, god this hurts! I just want to let go, but there always seems to be something that throws me back to it.

Just venting. Just tired. Just numb!

Yep...I would consider this contact.

However..this is not something that you are at fault for..so do not get caught in the trap of concealment..that's the first step back to the affair. You and your husband both strongly suspect that it was OM who left it for you..admit it to each other. Do not try to pretend that it was a friend. Tell your husband that you are upset about this and needing his help and support. He will not like that this has caused such conflict for you..but as he is willing to restore the marriage..he must also be willing to accept that you have an addiction..that you chose to stop..and that against your will you have been given a taste of the drug. You need his help to remain faithfull..he needs your help to not lose trust in you. Use this as an opportunity to build..do not allow it to become the first brick to fall.

Good luck--Noodle

I suggest you ease your H's mind by telling him your suspicions - thereby building trust.

Did you originally send a no contact letter?

Yes, if it's from OM, he's a heartless scumbag. What more assurance and more reason to forget about him can there be?

Does your husband read or post here? Radical honesty dictates you inform him that you do.

I wish you well and a continuing recovery.

Showing your H how upsetting and painful this contact is will only increase his trust and his sense of security knowing that it is you two against the "heartless scumbag" as WAT so eloquently put it.
k

WAT:
Yes in my last contact I asked to be left alone. I wanted to be finished with it all.

If the flower came from him... Then this is his way to romanticize the situation. To let me know he isn't such a bad guy. To keep me thinking of him...
Whatever!!!

I to am where you are.Be proud that you have had no contact for 5 months that is an accomplishment that i yet have not reached.I,ve been married for 4 yrs to an awesome man.My ex who i left 8 yrs ago always remained off and on contact i had the affair with,He was my soul mate but being a long haul truck driver kept him away alot,I thought i could handle that i couldn,t i never cheated on him and felt selfish to ask him to come off the road.I took him as he was.I loved him enough to walk away,I never thought the pain would end.I never thought i would ever find anyone as special as him.I did and married him.we lost contact for 3 yrs.He resurfised and all hell broke lose.I love my husband and want it to work,But now that i have him back in my life i can,t bear to lose him again.I think it would kill me this time.I don,t want to hurt anyone anymore,I just don,t know how to walk away from someone who i felt was my soulmate.I know your pain i feel your pain each and everyday,Atleast your staying away,I just don,t know how,Maybe we can help each other.I know i could really use some advise.how did you walk away?.All My Best.R.M.U.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sakari:
<strong>Yesterday evening as I was leaving the gym there was a flower on my car. I called and thanked my H for the flower.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear Sakari,

I think this about sums up how far you have come. You didn't think/wish/hope OM put the flower there. No, you called your HUSBAND and thanked him for the flower!
What clearer sign can you give him (or yourself, for that matter) that you have your H on your mind and not OM ?
Keep up the good work my dear. You're doing the right thing.

RMU:

How did I walk away? Well, that was the easy part... His WIFE asked me to!!!
I am not a person who enjoys inflicting pain on others. (And, I am in NO way suggesting that you are. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I am NO ONE to pass judgement on anyone!!!)When I had my A, my H had no idea, because we were emotionally disconnected, and had been for a long time. So I didn't see the pain that it was causing him. Even though the guilt was tearing me apart inside, everytime I got my "fix" it was all better. But the day that I "came clean" with my H, and I saw the pain in his eyes, I wanted to burn for what I had done to my H and my family.
Thank you for suggesting that I be proud for staying away. But I think of OM every single day. And I'm going to be terribly honest... I miss the feelings too. Sometimes so hard it takes my breath away. Someone here suggested to me that I can't control my feelings, but that I've got to control my actions. No it's not easy. It's hard as hell. But I can still see my H's eyes full of hurt, and I just can't imagine the pain and hate it would do to him, and everyone envolved if I DID IT AGAIN!!!!
We are human, and it's very, very hard. I questioned the love I had for my H after the A. I actually didn't think I loved him at all, because I didn't lust or desire him. But I've got to believe that the fact that I didn't want to cause him any more pain, and that I wanted to take care of him, hold him and make it better is maybe the best love I could've felt. All of those feelings are love to, and maybe the foundation for us.
Help me understand... I think I'm reading your post wrong... Who is your soulmate? Your H or your X? Does your H know you are having the A with your X. Is the OM (your X) married?

Don't take this wrong, please... I don't believe in "soulmates" I don't believe in "fate". The choices we make in our lives dictate our destinations. For me, I just have to try and choose wisely, and accept responsibility.

How convenient that I feel that way now, huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Brownhair:

Thank you... I don't know... It's been a tough couple of days. H won't talk, and we are both hurting. He hates any reminders of it, and I certainly don't blame him. (sweep it under the rug...)
And like I said, it's just OM's way of romantisizing the situation, trying to keep my feelings fired for him... He will do it again, I'm sure of it. But I don't know that I should continue to cause my H the pain of remembering. Maybe ignoring it is the best way.

Brownhair:

I re-read your post, and it's not true. I was standing with a girlfriend when I saw the flower. I asked her if she put it there, and she said no, then she said what if it's not from your H. That's when it hit me that maybe it was from OM. I told her that I didn't care who it was from, I was telling my H about it. I just took the coward way out and thanked my H for it instead of telling him I thought it could've been from OM.

Truthfully, I really don't know who put it there. And at this point I don't really care!