Well today H said goodbye to OW. Perhaps it's not entirely for the reasons I would have liked - he told her it was make or break time for our marriage. he admits that right now - he doesn't even like me - and tell you honestly - I don't like him (let alone love him) very much right now. The last few years and the last 3 months imparticular have taken atremendous toll on my love bank. I admitted to him over lunch today that I was pretty well bankrupted as well. HJis first response was - don't tell me that we both lack the reserves to make this work. I don't know how to do this.

Everything I ahve done for years has fallen flat on him - he wants to know the me - the real me, that specail part of me - as he refers to it "the beauty of me". I am terrified ot open myself up to him in anyway - I don't trust him - I ahve been hurt so many times - and he doesn't trust me emotionally - I have not protected his feelings, have not provided a safe and comfortable place for him.

How do you truly start over -

UUGGGHHH -

my DH and I are sitting here talking between a conference call and another appointment and his cell phone rings - whne he looks at it - I KNEW! it was HER calling. He told her firmly - no contact.

So right away we are confornted with it all over again - how do I trust him - that has been a big thing. Of course when I asked if he would return her call - he got a little steamed and said no. We've been down this road. And I know he hates my checking up - BUT i need to feel safe.

Tempted to call her myself - and remind her that she promised me weeks ago that if he asked her to stop calling she would. So tempted.... even said such a thing to DH - his response was why do that to myself. And he's right. I tried for weeks to get to know her, to be a friend - hoping that since she was initially a friend - that our friendship would lessen the threat. BOY was I wrong. I realized it was killing ME to talk to her. SO for ME - I stopped it.

UUGGGHHH -

my DH and I are sitting here talking between a conference call and another appointment and his cell phone rings - whne he looks at it - I KNEW! it was HER calling. He told her firmly - no contact.

So right away we are confornted with it all over again - how do I trust him - that has been a big thing. Of course when I asked if he would return her call - he got a little steamed and said no. We've been down this road. And I know he hates my checking up - BUT i need to feel safe.

Tempted to call her myself - and remind her that she promised me weeks ago that if he asked her to stop calling she would. So tempted.... even said such a thing to DH - his response was why do that to myself. And he's right. I tried for weeks to get to know her, to be a friend - hoping that since she was initially a friend - that our friendship would lessen the threat. BOY was I wrong. I realized it was killing ME to talk to her. SO for ME - I stopped it.

UUGGGHHH -

my DH and I are sitting here talking between a conference call and another appointment and his cell phone rings - whne he looks at it - I KNEW! it was HER calling. He told her firmly - no contact.

So right away we are confornted with it all over again - how do I trust him - that has been a big thing. Of course when I asked if he would return her call - he got a little steamed and said no. We've been down this road. And I know he hates my checking up - BUT i need to feel safe.

Tempted to call her myself - and remind her that she promised me weeks ago that if he asked her to stop calling she would. So tempted.... even said such a thing to DH - his response was why do that to myself. And he's right. I tried for weeks to get to know her, to be a friend - hoping that since she was initially a friend - that our friendship would lessen the threat. BOY was I wrong. I realized it was killing ME to talk to her. SO for ME - I stopped it.

UUGGGHHH -

my DH and I are sitting here talking between a conference call and another appointment and his cell phone rings - whne he looks at it - I KNEW! it was HER calling. He told her firmly - no contact.

So right away we are confornted with it all over again - how do I trust him - that has been a big thing. Of course when I asked if he would return her call - he got a little steamed and said no. We've been down this road. And I know he hates my checking up - BUT i need to feel safe.

Tempted to call her myself - and remind her that she promised me weeks ago that if he asked her to stop calling she would. So tempted.... even said such a thing to DH - his response was why do that to myself. And he's right. I tried for weeks to get to know her, to be a friend - hoping that since she was initially a friend - that our friendship would lessen the threat. BOY was I wrong. I realized it was killing ME to talk to her. SO for ME - I stopped it.