Well I have done a lot of reading on this site that has been very helpful about getting the WW back.

Now my problem is "How do I get the feelings back?
How do I "like" this person? I love her but I do not like her?
How do I stop crying when we are having a moment of a good time with her, myself, and our 2 boys (2 and 5 years old), thinking of what we had and how she deceived me, had unprotected sex risking our lives, risking our kids mom and dad, and changing forever our family and our kids future?

How do I stop the depressed feelings as we drive by hotels and resturants they were in?

I feel like I am "settling" like I won the "consolation prize" not the beautiful wife and mother I used to have?

She is "dirty", "tainted" it just does not feel good anymore. I almost gage sometimes making love to her (after 15 years of knowing her and 10 years of marriage) knowing she allowed me to go down on her right after she had sex with him. I just do not get it.

Nothing is fun anymore, I'm somber and depressed and when we start to have a goodtime I just have to look at her and say "why was this not good enough?" and I start to well up thinking about what we had and how our dreams have been smashed, how this cloud will always taint the way I see her. Friends (who don't know about the situation will say you have a beautiful wife and are so lucky and I have to say thank you but inside I am thinking if you only knew she is a whore and has sex with other men while she tells you she loves you)

She will sit there now and switch back and forth from "our life sucked! Who would have wanted our life?" to "We have a great life" I love you"

Anyone out there that have any suggestions on how I get the feeling back, how I like her again and think of her as a good thing not a cheating, disrespectful, lying, dirty woman?

I want to get it back but I do not know if I can or how. Please help!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

me BS 40
her WW 37
Married 10 years
Known 15 years
2 kids (2 and 5 year old boys)
Affair started 9/03
DDay 2/10/04
Just found this site last week and been holding this all in for 6 months. Too embarassed to tell friends and family. Probably stupid but my whole life is falling apart and I'm not very anxious to tell everyone.

sorry double post

<small>[ August 24, 2004, 04:30 PM: Message edited by: Whistles75 ]</small>

Lost,

I know exactly how your feeling. I am a lurker on this site most of the time but I wanted to post to you and let you know your not alone.

I think you will start to get those feelings back when a few things happen.

First, I believe trust and feeling safe again with our FWS has a lot to do with getting those "feelings" back. I don't know about you, but it's been really difficult to reconcile the personality of my FWH before the A as opposed to during the A ....

The alien abuduction theory that MB posters talk about on here is so true. What our spouses did was irrational and their behavior to us during the A was irrational, and I believe it takes time and patience to trust that they are who they say they are....the person we fell in love with from the beginning. Once they come out of the fog...I think trust needs to be built in 2 parts : trust that they will never betray us again that way, and trust that they aren't "aliens" anymore. I don't know if us BS's will ever feel as safe we once did, but anything's possible

My heart goes out to you, give it time...and let yourself be in the moment with her when you can. Sometimes, just pushing out all those painful thoughts can allow us to enjoy a moment or two of "untainted" love and affection.

You deserve it.

Rachel

<small>[ August 24, 2004, 04:31 PM: Message edited by: Whistles75 ]</small>

LH64..

Sounds like you are having a rough time. Here's what I came up with..

"How do I get the feelings back" and "How do I like this person" both have the same answer...you allow her to meet your ENs and make some deposits in that love bank.

"How do I stop crying when we are having a moment of good time"...Do you feel that you need to? I mean..I understand that you don't want to weep through your days..and not to scare the children either..but here's what I see from your post... You do not appear to be living a genuine life at this time..you seem to be going through the motions..with a brick in your chest and your teeth gritted.

How far into recovery are you? Are you in recovery at all? DDay was in Feb...was that the end of the affair...when you committed to try and salvage the marriage...? I could use a little more info about how much time has passed on this journey before I feel comfortable addressing some of the other issues [which are very much needing to be addressed]...without it all of my responses will be trite and unhelpfull.

Please sir..may I have some more? [feel free to disregard oliver twist reference]
--Noodle

LH - I don't know if you are a Christian or not. But if you are, you might check out the story of Hosea and Gomer. It is very powerful.

lh64:

"Just found this site last week and been holding this all in for 6 months. Too embarassed to tell friends and family. Probably stupid but my whole life is falling apart and I'm not very anxious to tell everyone."

You say D-day was Feb this year? Is the A over? Do you believe it's over? Are you in counseling? Individually AND with your W?

If it's not over, you should expose 2 people who can help put pressure on ending the fantasy. If it is, and you're both willing 2 do whatever it takes 2 rebuild your M, then exposure probably isn't necessary. Is the OM married? If so, does his W know? She has a right 2 know even if the A is over, because she has the right 2 know who she's M'd 2.

best,
-ol' 2long

Whistles75 (Rachel),

Thank you for the response. I am very new to this forum but just knowing people are dealing with very similar issues is very comforting, even if it is temporary. I do try to push the bad/sad thoughts away and enjoy the moment but I always get back to I did not used to and most people still don't have to "fake it" they honestly like, trust, and enjoy their spouse (supposed best friend). Thanks again.

Noodle,

You ask about recovery... Well, I found out Feb 10, 2004. She said she would tell him no more contact that day. They continued by phone and email (no person to person, I think) for 1 1/2 months. She was remorseful and sensitive and positive for April and May (that is when she would hug me, tell me how sorry she was, how wrong it was, how good our life was and can be all out of the blue. I never had to even ask), then she completely freaked out and "closed off" and was calis completely for June and part of July. I then said, in July that if you can not be sensitive, remorseful and respectful to me then be "big" enough to finish what you started and end our family and marriage. She changed slightly for the better. She has been trying better since then, but I have to proactively ask for her to express positive feelings but at least they come but not up to what she was doing in April and May (that is when she would hug me, tell me how sorry she was, how wrong it was, how good our life was and can be all out of the blue. I never had to even ask).

Now if we want to get I have to stuff it all and not talk about it and she continues to put on her "fake" life is great nothing went wrong I'm sorry but lets ignore it all face.

How long can two people sit next to each other at the dinner table and on the couch or reading bedtime stories to our 2 boys and not like each other before they explode. It is not real. I am staying together to salvage my vision of the family that I wanted to provide my 2 boys, you know both Mom and Dad sitting together watching T-ball games, not sitting with 2 other people on different ends of the bleachers making the kid have to decide who to go see first after the game. It is so darn unfair what she choose to do to me and the boys without ever asking if it was OK. I am so mad at the dreams and plans of our family being smashed I can barley handle it sometimes. If it was not for the kids and my "selfish" need for the "family" I always dreamed about (coaching my boys with Mom watching in the stands), I would have already left her for the slu@ she has become.

So as far as recovery I do not know where I am at. I am one bitter, sad, lost, 40 year old guy that used to think I had things pretty well dailed in with his wife, family, career, and an overall happy go lucky attitude. People at work and friends used to say "what ever happen to ...? now they think this is "just the way I am now" and that actually makes me cry sometimes know someelse changed me that much after being one way for 40 years.


Believer,

I am Christain and I will look up your suggestion. Thank you.

2Long,

I think the affair is over but I am anxious and suspicious everytime I am not with her. We tried MC for a while. Seem to have hit a plateau that I need to figure out whether I am going to "settle" for being married to a slut for 40 more years or "settle" for not having my defintion of a family that I have dreamed of since being a little kid in Little League. So we are kind of stuck with me needing to get comfortable with settling for her or moving on and losing my family.

So that is what I think about and stare off into nowhere for hours on end, either on the freeway driving, at work (getting closer to getting fired by the day, after a succesful 15 year career in Finance) or at home in bed or on the couch not interacting with my kids like I used to do. My life sucks right now and I am so pissed at her for ruining our lives (2 young active successful adults and 2 healthy young boys 2 and 5).

me BS 40
her WW 37
Married 10 years
Known 15 years
2 kids (2 and 5 year old boys)
Affair started 9/03
DDay 2/10/04
Just found this site last week and been holding this all in for 6 months. Too embarassed to tell friends and family. Probably stupid but my whole life is falling apart and I'm not very anxious to tell everyone.

Sounds like you could use some anti-depressants. Go see your doc and get some. They will at least help you keep your job.

When I found out I did the same thing - sat and stared for hours. The meds will help.

LH64,

You call (or think) your W a slut and a whore and other things. Did she have sex with other "men" or another man?

My WS had a 1 1/2 year PA with OM. He would come into town maybe once a month for a sex holiday with my W during the day at a best western while I was at work.

I would not and do not call (or think) my W a slut or other things.

I have bad movies that run in my head and get very heartsick when I dwell on that "scene", but I cannot obsess on the movies. That is totally negative and does not help at all!!

She explained her lack of ENs from me and her depression and MC says she was in the wrong place at the wrong time, etc, etc.
She is human and therefore defective.

Are you being too hard on your W?? (Can we BSs be too hard? With our pain and hurt?) Are you hurtful to her and do you rant and rave at her? This would not be a good thing and I could see why she would distance herself from you.

If you act very nice and loving to her I guarantee you will start feeling more loving to her. IMHO!
k

LH64..

Ok, first..thanks for the clarification..I feel a bit more comfortable now that I have a better idea of where the two of you are.

So the affair..if indeed it is over....has been over recently...like..minutes as far as your "recovery" is concerned. So I wouldn't take any of my feelings too seriously at this point. You are likely about this far [puts index finger and thumb close together] from being actively psychotic. You are still sitting in the rubble of what was once your fair city...wonderring what happened and pulling out your hair.

At this point..my husband was looking about as attractive as a maggot infested trashcan lid to me. I put him in another room for 6 months..and it took longer than that to be willing to have sex with him again..and it took longer than that not to trigger with a mental movie, stop mid act, run into the bathroom, heave, and cry ragefull tears.

My advice is that if you are having an aversion to sex....just don't do it for the time being. Better to let that pressure build than to be further put off by your wife. I think the time is better spent just learning to tolerate each other again. Then you can slowly begin to allow her to fill your love bank so to speak..and when it is full enough..you may start to remember why you liked her..and you may enjoy her company again. You see how this is a slow but logical progression? Don't try to swallow a years worth of medication in one day...it won't help and might kill you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I would look into some childcare so that the two of you are able to be together without the social "everything is just fine" mask. Right now you are both very withdrawn..that's to be expected...you need time and a safe place to be honest with each other about how you are feeling.

It isn't ok to tell her that she's a slut...it isn't what you need to convey anyway..

It is perfectly ok to tell her that you are hurting though..and that you are angry..and insecure..and humiliated..and that she allowed you to be intimate with her..after she had been with OM that same night makes you feel dirty and defiled. Do you see the difference? It isn't name calling to express your feelings and your needs. She will have to do the same. This is a good thing..painfull, but in a good way. Invest in a good babysitter.

I think that down the road...you will be glad you didn't publicly humiliate her..when the two of you are emotionally connected again, and not each others enemy. I know the temptation is strong..but it will not bear any fruit that you want to eat..so just don't do it. People everywhere keep their business to themselves with people that they are not intimate with... but it is hard to play pretend..I understand.

As for being upset by the supposed good times...well, of course you are. You feel that the two of you are just going through the motions..starkly contrasting what you have with what you have lost..and what you have lost is the ability to not have to live with this for the rest of your lives. The future that does not include the fallout from this is no longer an option..and you are sad, and also furious because you are paying for a choice that you had no hand in making. They made all of the choices..and handed you the bill..how grotesquely unfair. In your angrier moments..you want to walk away and let her lie in the bed she has made. You still dream of an intact family though. Well, you have either option..but you only get to have it one way..which do you want more?

You don't have to have all of the answers today..or tomorrow..or 6 months from now...you will probably vacillate quite a lot between now and then. Some days you will feel hopefull..some days angry..some days just want out...I'd set a mental marker for myself ..say a year...and commit to not make any decisions prior to that time [you won't be in any condition to anyway] then when some time has passed...and you and your WS have had a chance to work on things... then might be a time to evaluate whether to continue to invest in your marriage..or to begin to end it.

I hope I was able to help at least a little..I'm sure those with more experience and wisdom will be happy to do what they can to help as well
--Noodle <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Noodle,

I have only read the 1st two paragraphs and you already made me laugh. Thanks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I will read the rest and get back to you. I actually need to work here at work sometimes. Thanks again.

If you act very nice and loving to her I guarantee you will start feeling more loving to her.

I agree AND disagree with your (above) comment.

This is a man who was just dealt the worst blow of his life BY HIS WIFE..... and he is questioning his entire life because of this affair.

"Act very nice and loving" may only serve to deepen his wound if done too early in the recovery stage... and I think this is EARLY EARLY.

His hurt needs a voice. His wound cuts to his soul. To pretend otherwise is to trivialize the cruel act that is "adultery betrayal".

He needs to be respectful to his wife and to stop calling her names .... and he needs to be honest about the level of torment he feels.

Now is not the time for the "fake it 'till you make it" approach ... not yet.

Think of this as the worst sort of physical injury ... a car accident where one suffered multiple fractures, contussions, and cuts. Then ask that person to act as if he is not in pain.... seems stupid, doesn't it?

Pep

PEP,

Dday was 02/10/04 (7 months?) Its been a while, or am I missing something. (I do that alot.)

His question seemed to be "how does he get that lovin feelin back." He wants to get it back.

He can't let go of the movies!! He has to stop thinking of her as a slut and whore!

She is also his wife and the mother of his children.
k

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Look again K...last known contact was July this year.

You ask about recovery... Well, I found out Feb 10, 2004.

D day

She said she would tell him no more contact that day. They continued by phone and email (no person to person, I think) for 1 1/2 months.

Affair continues
Means not yet in recovery

then she completely freaked out and "closed off" and was calis completely for June and part of July.

Wife in withdrawl ??? but is affair over?

I then said, in July that if you can not be sensitive, remorseful and respectful to me then be "big" enough to finish what you started and end our family and marriage. She changed slightly for the better.

Wife has been not 100% committed to recovery ....

REAL RECOVERY begins when both spouses are doing their best and willing to make the necessary efforts to recover.

Pep

Noodle and Pep,

I see...OK. Thanks to you both.

What about the way he feels about her?? How can he get that feeling back if he is thinking about her this way?

And he WANTS to get the feeling back! That was the point of the post.

Maybe it is too soon to get the feeling back...


k

OK, but why was she calis in June and July?? Was it withdrawal or LH64's feelings and his mindset toward her leaking out through his eyes and by his words and actions?
k

What about the way he feels about her?? How can he get that feeling back if he is thinking about her this way?

I don't think there was anything wrong with your suggestion K. I just think it might be premature.

But who says I am right and you are wrong? Not me!

If he's too raw, stuffing the hurt will not be a good idea...

BUT ... he does need to be respectful ... he is, after all, dealing with the mother of his children .... NO MORE NAME CALLING.

I'd sure like to have a discussion with his WIFE tho! I have a few suggestions she could use to draw her H's good feelings out legitimately... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by krusht:
<strong> OK, but why was she calis in June and July?? Was it withdrawal or LH64's feelings and his mindset toward her leaking out through his eyes and by his words and actions?
k </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This part of the story is pretty murky for me too.

And... I am pretty sure he meant "callous".

Pep

Callous / calis

tomatoe / tomahtoe
k