To all MBers who just recently discovered the A,

I just wanted to post a warning to all newbies.

I realize that when you newly discover the affair you want to know all the details. Some want to know more details than others. I was one that wanted to know everything. I obsessed on it.

I felt like the survivor of the plane crash that was trying to put all the pieces together. Imagine the slow motion filming of a jet crash. I was trying to re-edit each frame to put them in their correct place.

Other MBers warned me about too much detail. I needed to know. Well I thought I wanted to know. Now that I know, I'm in the trap that I don't respect my wife. I also can't fathom how she could go from loving OM one day to loving me the next. Doesn't that mean she's longing for him but settling for me. Yes, I know alien abductions.

Besides me needing to know, my wife fought me every step of the way on disclosure, which had the effect of making me obsess even more and dwell on even smaller details.

Get the general outline from your spouse and skip the details otherwise you'll find your LOVE BANK empty.

Mac

Mac, what is your timeline? When was D-Day and when she did she end the affair?

Hi Melody.
DDAy2 was approximately 12 months ago. My wife finally told me that the A had been a PA and not just the EA that she had admitted to on DDay1. DDay1 was in April '02. So the 18 months or so of recovery were wasted.

I had heard a v-mail from OM and a telephone conversation between WW (at the time) and OM that disclosed an EA but not an PA. The emotion, however, that was emitted by OM in his v-mail told me that despite my lack of evidence the A had been a PA. You could hear his love for her in his voice and I believe in the old axiom: "Men don't love until they've had sex with a woman and Women don't have sex until they love the Man." Despite my pleads to come clean so that recovery could begin, she continued the lie.

This false recovery has hurt the repair of my trust. Mix that with the fact that FWW refused to answer any questions until about 60-90 days ago.

My wife gives the typical FWW story of not feeling safe ie too selfish for her own feelings to have the guts to be honest.

I have been in IC and MC. It goes in waves. Right now I feel almost as hopeless and lost as I did on DDAy2 with the exception that I know I could live my life alone if it comes to that unfortunate outcome.

So I here I sit with my Love Bank nearly empty and not sure I'm open to deposits. I look at my wife and think," I deserve better than this."

Mac

PS To any FWWs reading this whose husbands have somehow forgiven you, get down on your knees tonight and thank them

<small>[ August 24, 2004, 08:18 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

Mac, I'm sorry its been such a long road for you. I thought you sounded like someone newly in recovery and now I know why. You ARE just starting recovery. But you got there after getting a thousand cuts. I have said before that it is like dying a death of a thousand cuts when the WS withholds the truth. Eventually it comes out, in dribs and drabs, killing the BS with a thousand cuts.

I'm sorry its been that way for you, Mac, but I thought I heard it in your voice and understand why you are so dispirited. Do you think you have the full story now? Is there any hope for the future?

Yeah....

I'm sort of with you on the disclosure of details...I'm talking about details here...what were you thinking..how did she look etc...not when/how did it end....is there n/c etc etc..

I have a drive and a d*mn morbid curiosity to just know every little thing..but I don't ask and this is why. Whatever it is, it won't be good enough. It won't make me feel better..I won't understand anyway ..then I have to live with it.

What I would really like..is for us to swap brains for a few moments..so that I could know what he experienced as he experienced it..and so that he could have the pleasure of my experience just sort of emblazoned onto his consciousness. Then and only then would we each really get each other with regard to this. I tend to think that this is the puzzle that a lot of BSs who already have a fairly precise account of what happenned are trying to put together by asking for still more details. It just never does seem to work though. Maybe science will catch up with us someday. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

--Noodle

CWMAC please contact me at clifflen6711@msn.com

Cwmac, your recommendation is a good one. As the BS, at first I wanted to know "why did it happen" and I would ask for information. WH is an addict wanted to talk about it. The more I found out, the more I hurt so I needed to learn to protect myself.

I stopped asked for details and snooping actually (I expected lying and deceit). Then when WH started to talk about OW/A, I would tell him, "I can talk about many other things, but I cannot talk about this one subject because it hurts so much." Then he would stop--he knew it hurt me, but sometimes wanted to continue because his addiction ran so deep.

Thanks for sharing your observation--many will benefit from it.

May God watch over you and bring you peace.

<small>[ September 01, 2004, 07:03 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

Mac, you appear to be on here now so just wanted to say hi.

Did you see my 30th wedding anniversary thread. Cool, huh. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I take it you are still together. Knewbetter and I both posted to your "bombshell" thread.

Jen