A few days ago I think there was a post with a article that detailed the things to think about when considering to have an affair with a married man. I thought it was so well written. But I have searched for it and cannot find it. Maybe I read it somewhere else, but I don't think so. I wanted my FWH to read it. If anyone knows where I can find it I would appreciate it. Thanks!

Was it by Suzet?

naivegirl, here it is: Suzette's post

Pepperband, check out this post again if you haven't already. No story from this apparent OW but she has been posting advice all over the forum. I'd like to get the story. KB

when considering to have an affair with a married man
The problem with this statement is that most people in an affair never "considered" having one or not. It was not like they woke up one day and wondered, "should I fall in love with Mrs. X?"

They were usually in far to deep before they realized it because they failed to protect themselves against their own weaknesses.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> They were usually in far to deep before they realized it because they failed to protect themselves against their own weaknesses. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Really, Chris? I am having a hard time nailing down exactly why my H had his a with my BF. I feel I need to make a story of it in my head that makes sense, but there are too many variables. "Because he was working too hard and sleeping too little. Because they had a mutual attraction and OW encouraged him and he was bold. Because I was not showing him admiration (which I WAS, but it was an EN he believed from her, and he thought I just said it because I had to because I'm his W, which leads me to the next point . . .). Because he didn't have self-esteem and had to get his self-worth from outside sources. Because we weren't communicating well (because he was having an EA with her and that upset me greatly).

A combination? All of these things? Are they just excuses? I know I am sounding harsh, but I am having a very hard time putting it all together in my head. It feels like this is imperative for me to do to move forward. Or maybe it isn't, maybe I'm just looking for excuses to look forward?

I am chasing my tail. Does your experience here on these boards give you any insight into my thought processes?

SS

SS - Does this mean your finger is feeling better today?

Well, it feels a bit better, yes. AND, I am getting better at typing with the bandaids. It is frustrating to hit 3 keys instead of one, backspace, etc.

I haven't taken the bandaids off yet. I'm kind-of afraid to see what is under there!

SS

Thanks for pointing me to the post. I appreciate it. This site is a great help to both of us.

SS,
I now exactly what you are talking about.
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, read the book, saw the movie, etc. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
It'll never really make sense enough for you to understand.

Even if your h were to answer every question and give you everything you needed, you would still ask, "why?"
Am I right ?

Yes, there are many variables in why an affair happens, some of which you may have some conmtrol over and others you have nothing to do with.

What is meant (actually, Steve Harley said it) by the previous statemnt is that in order for an affair to happen, the person getting into it has to not care or not understand what their own weaknesses are and put themselves into a situation which will further erode those weaknesses.

"Falling in love with someone other than your spouse is not caused by unmet needs in your marriage. It is caused by a failure to protect your own weaknesses." Steven W. Harley, M.S.

from http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi050_sample.html

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
<strong> when considering to have an affair with a married man
The problem with this statement is that most people in an affair never "considered" having one or not. It was not like they woke up one day and wondered, "should I fall in love with Mrs. X?"

They were usually in far to deep before they realized it because they failed to protect themselves against their own weaknesses. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Chris, I understand exactly what you mean... As a FWW I failed to kept boundaries and protect myself against my own weakness. As a result I became too attached to OM and developed inappropriate feeling for him… At the time, this also happened because of a lack of knowledge & awareness on my part about the possible dangers of opposite sex friendships... I didn't notice in time our friendship crossed boundaries from platonic friendship into romantic love... However, although I was already involved in the feelings that constitute an EA, I could still make the decision to distance myself and prevent myself from becoming involved in an intense, full-blown A with a married man. Although people can't always choose their feelings and emotional reactions towards the opposite sex, they can still choose not to ACT on those feelings. Feelings is not an excuse to proceed with ACTION and to REACT on those feelings...people can still make the decision not to get involved in spite of the feelings. This might be very difficult to do and involve ENORMOUS self-discipline and self-control, but it IS possible... I think this is what this article is all about.

<small>[ August 25, 2004, 06:46 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "Falling in love with someone other than your spouse is not caused by unmet needs in your marriage. It is caused by a failure to protect your own weaknesses." Steven W. Harley, M.S. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Chris, thank you for reminding me of the above statement. It is so easy to lose sight of *stuff* when so many feelings and emotions come up to the surface. Yesterday, I felt like I was drowning in them! H and I stayed up late last night, in bed, and talked for 2 hours. And it was good talking. I told him my fears, and he told me his. And again he told me, with detail and clarity that only time has given him, the way his head felt stuffed with cotton while he was "foggy." How he watched himself in horror do and say horrible things, and he couldn't understand what was happening to him.

We both believe that the weakness in him at that time was his belief that he was incapable of having an A. So, the more boundaries that were crossed, the further along it moved, he soothed himself with the fact that he "wasn't that type of person."

Well, now he realizes anybody can be that type of person, if they have no personal boundaries that are set up and adhered to. Of his own choice, my H has stopped having lunch with his female coworkers, one-on-one. The OW was not a co-worker, but he realizes that same-sex friendships are the best for him.

And yes, it doesn't matter how many times he answers the same questions, I find more - or ask the same ones over and over. Thank goodness we have MC today!

Thanks for your time, Chris. I really appreciate it. You brought the issue back into focus for me.

SS