Hi,My name is really messed up and i am.I,ve been married for 4 yrs and 1 1/2 yrs ago i had an affair on my husband with an ex-boyfriend 2 times i still have contact with my ex and i know its not right,but the circumstances of why i left my ex 8 yrs ago left me wondering if i did the right thing.I still have the same feelings for him as i did all those years ago and don,t know how to say good-bye and im not sure i want to.I do love my husband as well and i feel horrible for what i have done. i cry all the time cause i care so much for both.How do i come to the right answer that will bring me some sense of peace im looking for.Please help somebody.R.M.U.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You will get a ton of support and help here.

Your best course of action is to write a no contact letter to your boyfriend. Tell him that you love your husband and want to work on your marriage.

Then read and post here. Apply all of the things you learn. Start making changes in yourself. Then give your husband and your marriage some time.

If you sincerely try with your husband, while having no contact with your boyfriend, and still don't have a better marriage, then divorce your husband. At that time you will be free to move on to another relationship honorably.

Hello,

I just have a quick question. How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you are doing to him? My guess is that your husband would not do this to you because he has too much respect for you. Am I wrong? Why not show your husband real respect and tell him the truth so he can decide how he wishes to live his life and whether or not he wishes to work on recovery with you. My guess the reason you will not tell him is because you want both. We call that being a cakewoman. I would think that the least you can do for your husband is to be honest with him.

Does he really deserve to be cheated on this way.
If you cannot stop cheating then divorce him so he can find someone who can truly value and respect him. Am I wrong?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

i know its not right,but

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whenever you start off saying this ... "I know it's not right, but"...... you're about to make a mistake.

If knowing something is ~not right~ does not stop you from doing it anyway, how can we help you?

Pep

RMU:

It really doesn't matter what the circumstances of the previous relationship ending are. That isnt' meant 2 be a harsh comment, it's true. We ALL need 2 be wary of feelings for "old flames." Just seeing them after years can reignite them. Many affairs are these kinds of relationships.

You need 2 choose. You are already painfully aware how trying 2 love 2 men at the same time hurts you. I think you know you can't keep this up for long.

The choice isn't all that difficult, if you think about it for a minute: One of the men you love is a liar and a cheat who doesn't care that he's hurting you and your family.

all the best,
-ol' 2long

ReallyMessedUp......I'm the husband of a wife who admitted to having an affair - I just found out 4 weeks ago. I'm not going to tell you about the pain caused by that. What I'd like to add is what I've learned over the past month. I've learned that there are different needs for both women and men. When one or more of those needs are met by someone else, the possibility of an affair can occur. Allowing someone outside your marriage to meet your needs and not expressing what's missing (or what you perceive to be missing) in your relationship with your husband can be devestating.

You've just had some heavy-hitters respond to your question. These experienced ones have in the past and they continue to help those of us in need. Listen to what they ask and remember you are anonymous here so honesty will forever be your savior in dealing with this.

The only advice I have as a BS (betrayed spouse) is to allow your husband the opportunity to rekindle the love you once had. That can only occur if NC (no contact) with your boyfriend occurs.

Keep reading and posting here. Lots of help (some 2X4's, mostly support and guidance)......Good Luck and God Bless.

First i would like to say i truly am sorry for your pain and i have been on both sides of the fence.so i do know your pain so why did i do this.I don,t know if i will ever really figure out why.But i put myself here and my husband knows all because i told him.The guilt and pain was overwhellming.I also wanted it to end.I have wrote my ex a no contact letter and there is no sexual contact at all i guess you could say its an emotional one.I love them both i know that sounds selfish and i am not a bad person i just don,t know how to walk away but im trying with everything i got for my marriage and our kids.Thank you for your honest reply god be with you and your family.R.M.U

<small>[ August 24, 2004, 08:13 PM: Message edited by: Really Messed Up ]</small>