Ok here is my current situation. I am divorcing my WW because she won't make any changes to fix our relationship.
My wife has been through a lot though. The A started when her dad was arrested for the second time on Child Molestation charges. He is a very sick guy. She also feels she was molested as a child by him ( we know all her friends were). The A basically happened because we work scheduals where we never see each other and she started talking to a co worker about her problems. Because of all this over the past year she is not at all the person she used to be anymore. Her self esteme is almost gone. She doesn't think she deserves happiness. She feels that she is the lowest piece of scum on earth who hurts everyone that loves her , but can't seem to stop herself. It really hurts me to see her this way because like I said she just isnt' this person.

My question is, do you think it would be a good idea for me to try and remaine supportive of her trying to work out her issues while at the same time divorcing her? I definately feel a divorce is the best thing for us both . I don't think she needs the added pressure of making a happy marriage and trying to get herself out of the hell she is in right now. I want to see her better (for the kids at least) but not sure if I should try being her best friend while at the same time divorcing her.

Any thoughts?

BTW I do plan on talking to a counselor about this but the closest appointment I could get is 3 weeks away

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by theonlyhitman:
<strong> I don't think she needs the added pressure of making a happy marriage and trying to get herself out of the hell she is in right now. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">huh? What about the added pressure of being divorced by your H?? My God, a divorce is as TRAUMATIC as losing a child to death and you suggest putting her through that in order to avoid the "pressure" of trying to make a happy marriage? This doesn't make any sense.

hmmm....is she in IC? Is she on AD? I would consider these things before I considered a D. Sounds like she needs some major help and you might need to support her. If she isn't willing to get help and you can't do it anymore then that decision is up to you. Have you told her you want a D?

HINY

hitman,

quick response, I'm headed to softball. You don't leave your wife for what you cited. Don't mask your own fears behind your wife's problems. You each have your own. Your story is a sad one, and had my wife discovered this, and gone 'nuts' like yours, I would try and find a way to get her help...also, you are in one of those extreme situations where you really may absolutely nothing to do with her behavior, and that may be even more difficult to handle. Start working your problems, and see how you feel about your wife after you are squared off on things.

I don't think DV is the answer.If you still want to help her an be her best friend than be her Husband.How long has this been going on?

Melody: She actually wants the divorce as well. She says she is just going to keep on hurting me if she stays with me and thinks I derserve better than that. I almost feel it would be a kindness to give it to her so she can work out her own problems first. I don't know if that makes sense or not but that is kind of the way I see it.

HopefulinNY: Yes she is on AD and is seeing a counselor but so far not much good has come of anything. I really wanted her to call their 24 hour hotline this weekend when she was almost hysterical but she thought they would admit her to a hospital (did I mention that she works as a medications tech for a mental hospital ...ironic huh). We have both right now agreed on a divorce and are moving in that direction.

RookKev: I really have been trying to get her help for over a month now. The hard truth of the fact is she just doesn't want help right now. She really does feel alone and can't see when I told her that there are lots of Caring True friends that want to help you if you would just reach out and take their hand. She just doesn't think she is capable of that right now.

2kidsmom: The A has gone on now for a year. 9 months of it a PA and EA. We tried to work things out but that feel through because she wouldn't change anything to make it work. As soon as we descided it wouldnt' work she jumped right back on the OM.

I really don't know your entire situation. I am sorry to hear you are going through so much more than an A.