I have this feeling of emptiness in me without my H, my first true love, in my life...it hurts not knowing what will become of our future. I know what I want and my H knows I will forgive him for his affair provided that we work on our marriage as a couple.
I am struggling with the whole avoidance stage I have been told to engage in after H lashed out angrily to my attempts to communicate with him or get answers as to what needs were not met by me. He hasn't told me anything...just says that he has changed and that he is no longer "in love" with me anymore. This hurts, especially since he says I am the same person he fell in love with and married 3 years ago. Anyways, I just need something to help inspire me to hold faith and hope in our marriage.

I am so new to this...am shocked and really scared at the statistics of infidelity in marriage. Does anyone know the statistics for recovery after the affair? What percentage of couples are actually able to reconcile their differences and live a happy marriage together?

I am more confused than I have ever been about anything in my life...don't know what I should be doing while he is separated from me. I don't know what he is thinking but he sure seems content living life without me (signed a year lease in a new apt, bought new furniture, started a new job, has a new girlfriend). What am I doing in the meantime...tri training, work, and hanging with friends. I am just in shock how easy he seems to be handling our separation. Am I just plain stupid for holding any hope for us? Help...I really need something to help inspire me to continue the hope I still have for us.

My Story:
Me: 28 yo faithful wife
Him: 30 yo unfaithful husband
Married 06/17/2001
His Affair: Fall '03-Jan '04; he ended it
Dropped bomb on me May 22nd, 2004 and immediately left me...been separated ever since with minimal contact between us (much to my discontent)
Have tried to communicate what emotional needs I believe weren't being met (since he won't communicate to me about anything deep) and created a list of things I could do to cater to these needs. He won't talk.
He now admits to dating a new girl, most likely has been intimate with her. I am not sure if he is doing this to try to drive me away or is truly attracted to this girl. While he is no longer acting angry and mean towards me, I feel like this old toy that he became bored with and has thrown under his bed while he shopped for and found a new toy that he could play with for now.

"I feel like this old toy that he became bored with and has thrown under the bed while he shopped for and found a new toy that he could play with for now."

From his perspective..this may well be the case. Here is what raises my red flags...

Your husband is not a young man, and you have been married only a short time. For him to be demonstrating this behavior already suggests that it may be a lifestyle, not a fluke...do you know much about his dating history?

If he has been pretty solid historically and just recently lost the plot..I'd say that you have a decent chance of recovery.

I don't cast doubt onto his character to take away your hope..I have a theory that MB is about fixing the structural problems in an otherwise good marriage that have led to some dark places. When the problem does not lie in the structure, but rather in the materials..things get complicated. I believe that a good amount of the failures have been the result of material problems [character issues] that changing the structure of the marriage couldn't help. The best way to deduce which you are dealing with is to do as you have done...make the changes you can..and then follow plan B.

Plan B is to help you to recover. Not to help your WS or to recover your marriage. If you let him go on plan B and he stays gone..sorry to say you never really had him..and he was likely just playing with you "for now". Better to know now than to spend years and years waiting and hoping.

Nothing that I have said is likely to make you feel better or help to nurse your poor broken heart <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I wish that I had more encouragement for you. Unfortunately the topic is pretty grim..the best I can offer is that you spend as little time thinking about him [maybe only every other breath] and start to focus on you . You may or may not have him..you will always have you..so make some investments. I understand that the feelings of emptyness do fade as you begin to fill the gap with other things and people. This takes time though..and all is very fresh for you still.

The best I can offer is a big plate of cyber cookies [holds out plate] Hope you are feeling better soon--Noodle

My dear Kjb,

You miss your H. You should. But the life form inhabiting his body and soul is not your H. Do you love that person?

You are right to grieve for the loss of your H but not the loss of a WS.

Right now while in your pain and emptiness, grieve for the loss of your H but not the WS. Learn the distinction between the 2 and work out how you will handle each one.

Don't treat both the same.

Hugz,
L.

Noodle & Orchid...thanks for your input.

I knew H had a lit past that included too much drinking and some unfortunate incidences with the cops when drinking mixed with driving. Unfortunately, I didn't find out until after the fact (from his groomsmen) that he has cheated and been involved in one-night stands with woman in the past. In fact, one of his friends called him racist against woman in general...this is just very shocking to me because he treated me with the utmost respect and love up until now.

What keeps me motivated is the following. H was involved in 2 long term relationships, both about 4-5 years, prior to me. The big joke in his family when he dated a new girl was that whenver they'd ask whether this girl was "the one", the woman of his dreams, he'd reply "No" even though they would stay together for a long period of time. In fact, his previous girlfriend (the one prior to me) wasn't even invited to any holiday with H...H's parents had to come out to meet her on their own. H's mom tells me that when he met me, H actually called them and said, "You have to come out...I met the "one", the woman of my dreams. I want you to meet her." He invited me to Thanksgiving with his family and proposed shortly after a mere 9 months into our relationship. There was obvious something different about me that lead him to come out of his typical shell. For me, I have never been in love prior to H so I can't compare him to anyone else. I had dated but never really felt the sparks to make me feel like I was "in love". When I met H, there were imediate butterflies. I felt the love very quickly and did not hesitate saying these words early on in our relationship. I am now doubting what love really is after this mess.

I know my H has some serious insecurity issues. I don't want to believe that he has a permanent character flaw...I think his insecurity issues can be helped if he would only accept that help. I think he believes that "getting help" would just hurt his ego, his manliness which is just plain stupid in my mind. I so desperately want to help him get over this because it is my nature to want to help someone who has such problems. But I suppose I can't help the helpless.

I am very much grieving the loss of my H, the man of my dreams. Orchid-you are right though, I am not really attracted to this man he is becoming. In fact, when he took me out for my b-day a week after he dropped the bomb, I thought he was ugly....probably because visions of his affair were fresh in my mind and he conveniently forgot his wallet and ditched me early on my b-day to do "laundry". If I would have met the man he has become today 5 years ago, I would have never crossed paths with him...makes me wonder where I'd be at now if this were the case. I am blessed to have met the wonderful man he once was and am blessed to have met his caring friends and wonderful family. I just don't know if he is going to have the balls to seek out help for his insecurity issues and confront all the people he has hurt with his destructive actions this past year.

And thus I am super confused...I want to help him return to his loving, caring state but if he truly has a permanent "character flaw", I cannot and WILL NOT be put through this emotional hell agian. I want to raise a family with someone who loves and cherishes me the way I love and cherish them.

Losing Hope in San Diego <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

My Story:
Me: 28 yo faithful wife
Him: 30 yo unfaithful husband
Married 06/17/2001
His Affair: Fall '03-Jan '04; he ended it
Dropped bomb on me May 22nd, 2004 and immediately left me...been separated ever since with minimal contact between us (much to my discontent)
Have tried to communicate what emotional needs I believe weren't being met (since he won't communicate to me about anything deep) and created a list of things I could do to cater to these needs. He won't talk.
He now admits to dating a new girl, most likely has been intimate with her. I am not sure if he is doing this to try to drive me away or is truly attracted to this girl. While he is no longer acting angry and mean towards me, I feel like this old toy that he became bored with and has thrown under his bed while he shopped for and found a new toy that he could play with for now.