I came home last evening and found the OM's number on the caller ID. I told my WW that this is going to end. That I can't stand it any more. I asked her to leave by Sept 1. She agreed. AFter a huge conversation that wasn't productive or calm we went to bed. I woke this morning and she promised to run the separation agreemnet by her lawyer which I told her that I wasn't paying for. So were getting closer to Plan B. I am so tired of this. I even asked her this morning to end the A and come back into this marriage and she said no. She feels that she would have to pay for these mistakes all her life if she stayed. I told her that would not be case but she is so wound up in the fog she isn't listening. The best thing for her is to go and experience the consequences of her actions. I know I didn't express MB principles very well last night but my anger and hurt got in the way. I cannot believe my wife of 28 years did these things but the reality of it is that she cheated 3 times and they sayy the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. My head tells me to let her go and get on with my life but my heart still says I love her but my love is fading past at this point.

I feel for your situation BTDT. When I confronted over 2 yr.s ago I asked if it was important to save our M and he said yes and proceded to have dinner with her that night !! So your W is in the "fog" and you don't have much choice here .As hard as it is , you have to protect yourself and your dignity . My H came to me less than a yr. later and said he had make biggest mistake of his life and could we work on us .
Maybe she won't take that long but trust me ,she will miss what ya'll had -hopefully ,if that's what you want . Just take care of yourself and as hard as it is and it will be the hardest you've EVER worked ,you must take care of yourself and find a network of friends to help you through the rough spots,
Good luck -the next few wks. will be rough on you -pamper yourself

I do plan on taking care of myself. I plan on visiting each of my 3 adult children next month. So I have a trip to college, a trip to DC and a trip to Florida. I am not going to sit in the empty house and mourn. It's time to get on with my life without the OM.

I hate to think how many of us are in this sitution right now. We love our spouses, but our heads are logically asking how much more can we take of this? I'm afraid I don't know the answer.

My WH's A has been going on for about 9 months. There was a short intermission where they didn't talk for about 4 months. However the OW called and... here we go again! My WH claims she called b/c she thought they could be friends.... HA! If he believes that I have ocean front property for him in Montana.

I also saw mysterious cell phone activity (i.e. blocked phone numbers). She has always been the only one to block - she thinks I won't know it's her then... yea okay! I confronted my WH and he denied for a good week or so, then he broke down and told me. My thought is if it was truly intended to be friendly (which is still not okay), and if he didn't have any intentions of starting this up again, he would have told me about the call right away and been done with it. Nope, instead he lies to me, betrays me, humiliates me and continues this A. He actually went to her house the very next day!!!

He says he wants to be married and he wants to be happy with me again, but his actions show me a very different proclamation. It's a really tough place to be - caught between your heart and your head - between love and logic. I don't know how you ever figure this out???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hopefulinnc:
<strong> The best thing for her is to go and experience the consequences of her actions.

My head tells me to let her go and get on with my life but my heart still says I love her but my love is fading past at this point. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Our situations are different but so much the same. My W continues to drag her feet, one minute she's on board the next minute she feels trapped in our M. It hurts to let go, but I agree they must learn for themselves. Hopeful, what else can you do? If you continue to let put up with this you will eventually snap or all your love for her will be gone. I know your pain. Love leaks out with each of her disrespectful actions. Letting go is the hardest thing, but in my heart I feel for my situation going to Plan B is the only thing that will have a positive effect; besides she left already.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Hurt & Confuzed
[QB]
He says he wants to be married and he wants to be happy with me again, but his actions show me a very different proclamation. It's a really tough place to be - caught between your heart and your head - between love and logic. I don't know how you ever figure this out???

WORDS mean nothing at this point. Actions are the only thing I can trust, and sometimes I wonder if I can trust those. I will accept nothing short of full disclosure in my W's life, if not? I will continue on without her. I know it won't be easy and I miss her very much, but at some point someone has to standup for our M. I've made mistakes in the past listening to the words and ignoring her actions. Hurt, after all the lying and trickery our WS's have dished out how can we possibly trust their words....half of the time they don't even know what they feel? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hurt & Confuzed-you will know when it's time. I let her stay all summer because our youngest son was to leave for college. Well he is at college now and I fed up with this mess. She can't have her cake and eat it too. I will not support her affair any longer. Get me out of the chaos. Let me find peace. I accept responsibility for my actions in this marriage where I didn't meet her needs like she needed but I will not ever accept the blame for he going outside of the marriage. That is something she will have to live with the rest of her life. I was always faithful and can hold my head high in that regard. You will know when enough is enough. For me that time is now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hopefulinnc:
<strong> Hurt & Confuzed-you will know when it's time. I let her stay all summer because our youngest son was to leave for college. Well he is at college now and I fed up with this mess. She can't have her cake and eat it too. I will not support her affair any longer. Get me out of the chaos. Let me find peace. I accept responsibility for my actions in this marriage where I didn't meet her needs like she needed but I will not ever accept the blame for he going outside of the marriage. That is something she will have to live with the rest of her life. I was always faithful and can hold my head high in that regard. You will know when enough is enough. For me that time is now. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hopeful,
I hear you loud and clear and hopefully she will then finally see the damage she's caused and that the grass isn't greener, just different with its own unique set of pests and tremendous upkeep issues. I'm growing tired of this myself Hopeful, heck I'm passed tired and if I didnt resort to Plan B it would be Plan D. I just cannot take anymore of this back and forth nonsense and betrayal.

Good job, hopeful. You very much need to be in Plan B and the sooner the better. Does she have a place to go?

Hopeful -

You did just fine. While we all hope that our spouse will come out of the fog, we need to protect our love for them. Do a great Plan B, and see what happens.

Plan B is quite pleasant after you get the hang of it.

MelodyLane,believer-To answer the question does she have a place to go-I honestyly don't know. Maybe the OM has prepared a place for them. She could hang around here for a while a live with one of her divorced girlfriends. I am at a point I don't care where she lives. She is not going to run her affair from my home. Another thing that just pisses me off is we bought a lot in an exclusive area last year with some money I inherited when my mom passed away. She told me then don't worry I will get a job. Well it has been over a year and no job but when she moves to be with the OM she is going to have to get a job.
I may have not applied MB principles very well last night and probalby love busted big time but the time is now to get this sh** out of my life. My head tells me I don't need a liar and chater in my life. My hearts says I love her. My head wins this battle. No more.

HINC,

You did not violate MB principles at all. You are supposed to state your boundaries and state them clearly. You just did, congratulations.

Given that this affair is 5 years old, and it is her third, I personally think you need to get her out of there, she needs to leave and FINALLY face the consequences of her decisions. It may not save yoru marriage, but I don't see any hope unless she is gone. So what you did seems perfectly reasonable to me. I am not a counselor, but I do think it is time she stopped using you as a pit stop.

As for the agreement, be prepared to give a little more, if that is the price of getting her out of your house. She will blow it, she will have to get a job, and frankly she may find happiness with OM and a job. Who knows. It is NOT something you can foresee or control.

I am suspecting that if she is not a sociopath, that she will regret these decisions, but sadly that may not be enough. So do plan on moving on with your life. But, also have patience with yourself. It will be a year or more before you are really ready to take on the world.

Hang in there and God Bless,

JL

Just Learning-I am prepared to give on some items however I am not willing to give on the house where my children were raised. My son at college needs a place to come home to. I also am not willing to give on the money I inherited-she doesn't have a right to that anyway. In any case I went home for lunch and she still hasn't taken the agreement to her lawyer. Looks like to me she is stalling. But of course she talked to OM this morning as evidneced by the caller ID. I am so ready to get her out of my house and let her face the real consequences of her actions. And of course she is blaming me for this whole thing but I am now a duck and those hurtful things just roll off my back. Just call me the duck.