In reviewing H cell bill a while ago saw OW phone# and duration was 1 min. 3 min. later he has incoming call lasting 15 min . He was away on business . Gave me a lame excuse why he thought to call her, had second thoughts as to not open a can of worms and hung up. When I told him there was an incoming call just minutes later said he didn't remember but that it certainly wasn't her . Said he hasn't talked to her since last yr.
It's really bothering me and can't get it out of my mind . Not so much that he called( I can forgive that - maybe just a weak moment) and telling me would be great big deposits in love bank - but that given a chance to come clean and say something like " don't know what I was thinking or realized it was a stupid thing to do" and she saw my # on caller ID and called me back is all I wanted to hear from him .HONESTY, HONESY ,HONESTY -instead it's DENY ,DENY, DENY.
I want to e-mail her and say something to the effect -" I have a pretty good idea that she called him and why did she after all this time" -I know I shouldn't but by her response ( he called me first!!) or something like that will let me know if he's lying.
I know it's pandora's box but I have to know if he can still lie without a second thought to me after we've been in R for over a yr.
I have to put this to bed- please give me pros and cons .How have you proven facts that were important to you -I need to trust this man and am not sure I can stay with him if I don't feel safe and right now I don't feel safe .
Why can't these men just come clean and pay the piper ???

Con: she is a liar too.

Con: you already know that he lied even if *only* by omission [more likely actively as well..his story doesn't wash]

Con: It will pull you back into the drama unnecessarily.

Con: no answer that either of them can give will lay the issue to rest for you.

Dear khb5,

I guess you should make it clear to H that you need absolute NC.
That you need to be able to trust him again, and that this episode of him "thinking about calling her" etc. scared you.
That you can understand that she is still a "nice person" to him, but that he should also understand that you feel very differently about OW.
That you don't want to be looking over your shoulder all your life, that you don't want her waiting in the wings whenever you should have a hard time in your M, that that just isn't fair to you - unless you get a lover somewhere to be waiting in the wings too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
That it isn't unlikely that a simple call like that could make the A start all over again (history is, sadly, repeating itself over and over again), and that he shouldn't take such a risk if he loves you and wants to stay with you.
That it's not even fair to OW to rekindle her feelings - she should be getting on with her life too, getting a D if she can't make her M work, and/or finding herself someone who's available.

<small>[ August 25, 2004, 06:59 AM: Message edited by: brownhair ]</small>

I agree with most of what you said - but I have worded it in a way "why after all this time would you call him " -she can say ,well he called me first (by seeing # on caller iD)
I know curiosity killed the cat but wouldn't you want to know for sure if there is a chance it happened .I'll know by her response if it occured or if she's lying .
But you're right about the cons -don't want to start up the drama but for my sanity and my M (if there's no trust ,can I go on) I need to know that I gave him a chance to come clean(I was very calm when I asked him and he even told MC that she didn't call back and they have not talked )

One more question - can poeple lie so much that it is natural for them to do so without a second thought ??

Yes, they can.....

My w does that and she seem to believe her own lies....