Yesterday me and the WW had a discussion. Calm on my part and heated on hers. She once again asked for the separation and i told her that to do these things it takes time and that we have to make sure what we do is right for the kids.

I also told her that i knew about the text messaging that is going back and forth between her and OM. She asked how i knew and i told her that he said so. OM is family friend of cousin and he has told my cousin (what a Di#$)

During this "conversation" she said that:

- she hates me
- she hates the fact that we are still in the same bed
- she cant stand to look at me
- etc etc etc

She then leaves and goes to her sisters house where my kids were playing.

She comes back later that night with the kids and starts being nice.....

She starts talking to me about things we havent talked about in a month. She actually asked me if i have taken my pills? She then proceeds to tell me about the plan to join a gym and that when she goes it will coincide with my work schdule. (i work from home). Why would she include me or my schedule when she wants a separation?

This morning she asked me if i wanted something to eat!!

I am very leary of this. I dont know if her fog is lifting or she feels guilty or she is acting deceivingly nice to buy her time before the hammer comes down and im served with D papers?

im not sure what is going on here and now i think im in a fog. I dont like this feeling. i would much rather have her be a lunatic than have her flip like this.....

what do you think?

JaH:

It's weird, isn't it? Such is the fog.

I think it's important 2 remember that the purpose of YOUR experiences and behavioral changes is 2 make you the best H you can be for her or someone else in the fu2re. It is noble 2 "hope," but it isn't useful 2 "expect."

As you find yourself becoming a more secure individual, capable of being in a committed relationship, you will be less affected by your W's mood swings and semi-regular beamups 2 the mothership 2 have her brains rescrambled. ...that, coming from ol' 2long, who's STILL dealing with this uncertainty after more than 2.5 years since d-day! (I don't always do well, but I'm doing so much better than the early days!).

I think it's important that you continue doing what you're doing, and wait (and hope). Yes, there is a such thing as a BS fog, and since this website is often catering 2 the BS, we don't discuss it so much as the "horrible" things that the active WSs are engaging in. So, BS fog can be more subtle. So, be wary and stay alert.

best,
-ol' 2long

I do not know how to do it, but I really think that selective listening is required when talking to a foggy WS. What you are trying to do is make sense out of a senseless act and words.

I think that WS are trying to make the A less painfull for them by trying to push the FS out. But then they realize that they will be losing something, and have to live with that lose and the confusion sets in again.

The fence sitting is hard for everyone and I think causes the WS to swing from side to side.

I really think that getting yourself better is most important. It is my plan of the minute that will hopefully last for another minute, than another minute, than another minute....

I can only handle one minute at a time.

CTH

Thanks....

I am only working on myself so that i am there for my kids....she certainly is not.

I dont like this FS. go one way or the other and cur the bull@#!

make a decision
take a stand
$hit or get off the Pot
grow some fuzz on the kiwis

you know what i mean.

damm... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I hate this rollercoaster and i want to get off.!!!

Thanks....

I am only working on myself so that i am there for my kids....she certainly is not.

I dont like this FS. go one way or the other and cur the bull@#!

make a decision
take a stand
$hit or get off the Pot
grow some fuzz on the kiwis

you know what i mean.

damm... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I hate this rollercoaster and i want to get off.!!!

Fog, fog fog

Take absoluteloy no notice of anything she says. Just what she does.

She hates being in your bed, bla bla bla but she is IN IT. She hates you but she hasn't left you.

Its all self-deluding psychology. Her instinct is maker her behave in a way that her fantasy does not like so her talking engine, which is still under control of her Fog fantasy tries to mitigate the actions the Fog doesn't like.

She WANTS to hate you, WANTS to hat ebeing in your bed, WANTS to be in a fairytale palace with OM all her life but the last redeeming rational part of her instinct is making her do what is RIGHT.

Its a GOOD SIGN !

Ignore all the horsesheet, laugh at it.

It sounds just like my WWs fog talk !

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just a Husband:
She once again asked for the separation and i told her that to do these things it takes time and that we have to make sure what we do is right for the kids. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JAH, why is she asking you for permission to separate? She is an presumably a big girl and can walk out the door any time she chooses. There is nothing stopping her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I also told her that i knew about the text messaging that is going back and forth between her and OM. She asked how i knew and i told her that he said so. OM is family friend of cousin and he has told my cousin (what a Di#$)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you exposed the affair to everyone? Are you doing everything in your power to end this affair?

I know the hurtfull things are "fog talk"...i can deal with that....

I cant deal with the being nice all of a sudden....it makes me uneasy.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Mel

The first instance of this A (July) was exposed by me to her father. she left for a few days and came back and was sorry....we went away together everything was fine...a week later she was at it again.....

She denies denies denies....all along i know that it is really still going on but dont say anything to her.

She wants separation and custody of the kids. She wants me to leave. She wants it all.

I told her yesterday that i am not leaving and that my business is also in the house. If we loose the business then EVERYBODY looses. I told her that the kids need to be home so they can go to school.

She then says "so then your telling me that i have to leave".

I told her that im not telling her what to do but if she feels that she has to go then GO!

I think she feels guilty about the kids. plus she wants the kids so i have to send her money.

I am not leaving my home and neither are my kids. She is having the A and she can leave.!!!period ...end of story.

Then she comes home and is all nice and pleasent....

My thirst thought & impression after I’ve read your initial post: Your W feels bad and guilty about all the terrible things she said to you yesterday. However, she’s still 'foggy' and too proud to acknowledge this verbally and now she’s acting nice & considered towards you… That’s another way to say “I’m sorry” and I think she’s trying to give you this message. I think this is a good sign.

Gotcha, JAH. You are absolutely right not to move out. She has to be the one to move....WITHOUT THE KIDS. So, she doesn't need your permission at all.

I would suggest telling her you know about her affair at every turn. Put the pressure on her and confront her every day. Make it uncomfortable for her carry it on. Is her OM married? Who is his family? Have you done any exposing on that end?

She should not be allowed to carry on her affair from the comfort and security of her home with no interference from you, JAH. I would be doing everything in your power to end this.

<small>[ August 25, 2004, 09:27 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

im hoping its a good sign....but my "taker" or "something inside" is telling me to be careful and not expect anything nor to believe her......

im even more confused now.

mel

Om is a toothless (litterally) 3 time looser. He lives at home with hi mom (hes in his late 30s) he has 2 kids from 2 different woman. His last wife left him for another woman! he lives with his mom because his ex-wives take all his money....what little he has.

I have not done any exposure on that side. But i have discussed this with my attorney and my attorney may contact his ex's attorney for information.....

JAH...It all sounds like FOG talk to me. Same crap my H says. At least your wife is still in the house. I haven't talked to my H in a week. I talked to him last Wed. and before that it was almost another week. I feel so alone!!!!!

Hang in there. The fog has to lift sometime. I'm hoping it does for my H. He's in deep!!!!

{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}

Just a Husband,

I can understand why you feel this way and you have all the reason in the world too feel the way you feel. Your W hurt you terribly and right now you can’t trust her because she is still in the ‘fog’ and in contact with OM. You are the one living with your W and you will know best and therefore you must trust and listen to you ‘gut feeling’. I was just giving my observation and first impression, but I might be wrong. I always try to see or find something positive and hopeful in any situation… I didn’t mean to confuse you any further! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

suezet

you didnt confuse me more!!!!

im just confused about this whole Fence sitting thing.

i hate this

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just a Husband:
<strong> mel

Om is a toothless (litterally) 3 time looser. He lives at home with hi mom (hes in his late 30s) he has 2 kids from 2 different woman. His last wife left him for another woman! he lives with his mom because his ex-wives take all his money....what little he has.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JAH, the mother sounds like a great opportunity for exposure. I would pick up the phone and call her TODAY. Even if she doesn't look down on his disgusting behavior, it will send a SHOT OVER THE BOW and warn the OM that you will not make life easy for him to destroy your family. If he has a shred of decency, he might even be embarassed!

Just remember what you are dealing with, JAH, a cruel man is attempting to destroy your family. EVery step must be taken to STOP HIM. There is no virtue in being complacent when it comes to protecting your family.

Do you think its really true that he lives with his mother? I have heard of WSes saying stuff like this to prevent the BS from finding out the OP is married.


Any idea who his employer is?

MEl

I know he lives with his mom. He is a friend (of 20 years) with my cousin. I know where he works, where is ex-wfie lives, etc etc etc...

I didnt think about reaching out to his mom....its a thought...

I understand about the protection of my family...

Thanks

JAH, your situation is just reeking with unexploited opportunties to end this affair. You have 2 tools just sitting here being unused, starting with exposure. The 2nd tool is confrontation. While you should not lovebust her, you should be confronting her every day with any intelligence you have. Don't make it easy for her and the OM to destroy your family!

Please make a list of key people in his life, your wife's family, your family and any key friends and just start calling them. This affair cannot survive for long in the light of day. Exposure will burst the fantasy aspect and cause them to be embarrassed. That will take all the fun out of it! When they realize how sleazy they look to others, they will begin to see themselves in the same light.

What does your cousin say about all this?

JAH, am I reading this correctly? This is your W's THIRD AFFAIR?