8 yrs ago i left a man who i loved dearly.He was a long haul truck driver that kept him away alot.I thought i could handle this but i couldn,t.I never cheated on him and i knew what he did when we met,I wanted him off the road but felt selfish to ask that of him,so i broke it off and moved on.I thought it would kill me and it almost killed him.7 yrs had passed and he came back in to my life over a year ago.And an A had began.It has hurt everyone involved in my life.I told my husband cause i couldn,t take the pain of what i have done.I love my husband as well,loving 2 at the same time is unbearably painful and someone will get hurt.Im so confused and don,t know where to turn.My ex is hurting so bad by what we have done.He said he can,t help how he feels.He just wants to love me again forever.He does not want to hurt my spouse neither of us know how to walk away.I want to go stay with my girlfriend for a month or 2 and have no contact with either of them so i can make a clear choice to what i really want at this point i don,t know and it hurts so much.Would moving out for a while be a wise thing to do?.Please help someone.R.M.U

There are alot of answers one could give you . So of corse this is JMO and 2 cents and it may confuse you more .

1- Does your H know everything ,,,everything including your feels about moving out for awhile?
And is that the real reason is to think clearly about the situation ?
Most of the time its just to be involved with the lover without the S around to make you feel more guilty .

2- if you love this OM then you should just leave your H , to me it is cut and dry .
If you ahve this continued contact then your M will fail thats 100% .


Your taking the easy road not wanting to let go and go through the withdrawal ,, I understand that this person means something to you , but you are being selfish weather you realize it or not ..

YOu are only think of what will be best for you , your pain , OM 's pain ...

There is another person in witch you and this OM are dragging doen in this , turning his life upside down .

YOU said, you love your H , then ast like it and talk this through with him and commit to your M .

If not then leave him with the trueth and don't look back .

I am all for saving a M , this is MB ,,, but a WS who is not sincere about saving the M will only do more damage if thats possiable .

Some of my thoughts may have come out jumbled , but I am sure you get it .

Like I said, I may be the wrong one to respond , to me there is no gray area , BLACK AND WHITE no fence sitting .

YOur in or your OUT !

DO the work or run .

N/C means N/C ever , forever , never !

But please do not fool your self with the I need time away from the both of them .

Cause if you can stay away from OM for that you can stay away for good !

RMU, the right thing to do is to walk away TODAY and end this affair. And I know you know this. There is absolutely no circumstance that would justify an affair. You owe it to your H to work on your marriage, you owe nothing to this OM.

The only way you can work on your marriage and repair this terrible betrayal you have visited on your H is to end this affair TODAY with a mutually written no contact letter.

Moving out will do nothing except give you full freedom to carry on your affair with the OM.

You know what the right thing to do is, RMU. DO IT.

WALK away from the A!!!!!! YOu have a commitment to your H not the OM. You are being cruel to your H. He deserves the effort to save the M.
You married him right?? You say you love him right???? Work on your marriage!!!!!!

Thank you for your responses about weather i should stay or go.I just wanted to say that my husband does know everything and that i still talk to the OM. i don,t keep anything from him.I truly want to make the right decision for everyone involved and i don,t want to hurt anyone anymore,But i genuinely want to get out of this fog that im in and make the break either way.I truly wanted to get away to have no contact with either of them to straighten my head out,not to continue the A i know i cando this without any contact i don,t know of any other way to do this.Staying has only kept things at a stand still.R.M.U

RMU,

Do you have children? If you do are they with your H? If they are then it is time you stopped this childish behavior. I say childish for several reasons. The first is that only immature people believe that there is ONLY one person they can love. Only immature people believe that vows mean NOTHING. Only immature people don't realize they cannot have it all. And only immature people try to have it all.

I realize I am being blunt here, but the fact of the matter is that there is NO way out of this without causing great pain. You have already brought great pain into your H's life. I am not worried about OM's pain because HE brought this on himself by messing with another man's marriage.

It is very clear OM has little regard for marriage and so you can expect him to cheat if you decide on him. In some ways that would be justice, but frankly justice of this sort helps no one.

I believe leaving for awhile is simply a childish action of running away and putting your head in the sand. In that position all that can happen is that you will get your A$$ kicked. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> So I don't recommend it.

What I do recommend is that you send OM away and work on the marriage. Work with your H to rebuild it and do so without OM's presence. Only then can you make valid decisions. Only then can your H make valid decisions.

I would also warn you against doing what many WS's do. THey treat their spouse horribly in the hope that the spouse will make the decision for them. That not only provides almost unbearable pain to the spouse, it will come and get you eventually.

I don't know much in this world but in my 5+ decades, I have noticed that "what goes around comes around." I would counsel you to avoid that.

Time to grow up RMU. If you are at all religious seek out the counsel of your minister/pastor/etc. Find a counselor to talk with, but face this and deal with it, don't run away.

God Bless,

JL

From a H point of view dealing with a W who goes back and forth between me and OM. I would MUCH rather have her END our M and go do her thing. Living in the middle and knowing you live in the middle is for the birds and I think it borders on MENTAL ABUSE. Leave your H is you want OM and when I say leave mean get a divorce and go, but if you love your H end the A right away! Right now! Give your H and your M first priority in your life.

I wish my W would read this post, but we're in Plan B so I can't even send her the link.

End it or be gone, that's the most humane thing you can do for your H.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Really Messed Up:
<strong>I truly wanted to get away to have no contact with either of them to straighten my head out,not to continue the A i know i cando this without any contact i don,t know of any other way to do this.Staying has only kept things at a stand still.R.M.U </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, your REFUSAL to give up the OM has kept this at a standstill. Moving out will change nothing, except you will have the freedom to resume your affair unimpeded, which will make the situation worse.

You don't need to move out to "clear your head." You need to pull your head out of your [censored] to do that. If you want to "clear your head," then end the affair TODAY and stop being a slave to feelings that you KNOW are wrong.

You do know right from wrong and you KNOW the right thing to do, you just don't WANT to do it.

RMU:

I found this post and it answered some of my questions... But you didn't answer JL's question. Are there any children involved in this situation?

Listen... the last thing you need to do is put more space between you and your H. Clearly there is already too much space... The others are right, and believe me I know for a fact, that you moving out is just a way to rid yourself of the guilt you are feeling for the A, and make it easier to look at yourself in the mirror for being with OM.

If you love your H, then do the right thing and end the A now! If you don't love him, (and you must imagine this scenario with out OM in the picture, in other words how would you feel if you didn't have either of them, would you miss you H) then stop the A, stay where you are and finish it responsibly.

Believe me, there are days that I still want to run. (not to OM) At some point, I bet we all do. Life is hard, but running doesn't solve the problems, at that point it just becomes baggage you carry to the next set of problems. Or, I believe there is hope of solving the problems and becoming happier and stronger in your marriage and love for each other.

How is your H doing with all of this?

<small>[ August 25, 2004, 01:05 PM: Message edited by: sakari ]</small>

In response to JL i meant to awnser that question yes there are children involved,I have 3 children from my previous marriage,My husband has 4 from his previous marriage,they are all on there own except the youngest he is 11 yrs old that is my son.they all know of this and are not very happy and nor should they.I am not some bad person who intended this to happen,trust me i am in pain also and i should be for what i have done.My husband is also on marriage builders and considering the A he is dealing with this better than i thought he would.Don,t get me wrong i feel pain and i feel guilt and i cry almost every night and i have remorse for what happened.Everyday i ask god for his forgiveness and help give me the strength to get rid of the OM and never look back,Whats difficult is how i feel about the OM and until you have been in my boots you have no idea how much it hurts and i have nobody to blame but myself.R.M.U.