He won't stop sending emails. My wife is deliting them without telling me about it. She promises not to have contacted him back.

I want to send him this letter. What do you think?

"(OM) –

I have re-read your email to me several times. I have some comments.

First of all thank you for sending it. At first I was so angry I wanted to do something stupid. I hated the fact that you thought you could offer me any advice at all, that you would even consider it.

Today I am reading it in a different light. I am not angry about it. I’ve started taking it for what it is and as it is written.

You wrote - “Mark, what I did was despicable. It was gross and wrong, and shameful.”

Yes it was and is. That fact will never go away. Hopefully time will heal those wounds. I sincerely hope that you are able to move forward with your life and heal the pain and sorrow that you must be feeling.

You wrote - “Mark, if I had been a real man, I would have resisted temptation, and had this talk with you months ago. But I was not a man of any character or integrity.”

The good news is that you still have the opportunity to correct these wrongs. But that is not by coaching my wife. It is not by trying to remain in contact with her. The two of you can never be friends. You both ruined any chance you ever had of friendship. Too many things happened between you for either of you to be able to honestly handle a platonic relationship.

During the affair you lied to me many times. I confronted you time and again and you used it as an opportunity to deceive. That same opportunity presents itself again. I am asking you to stop contacting my wife. The two of you can not be friends. It can only do harm to her, to me, to our children and to you.

No more emails. It has to end. And it is up to you. Please make the choice to do the right thing. Walk away and let us be. It is the only true way of reconciliation. Anything less is continued dishonesty and deciept.

My calling is to rebuild my relationship with (WW). I have to look in the mirror everyday. I hope you do the same. If anything you said to me in your letter was sincere, you will stop. Otherwise I can only assume your intentions are not pure.

You wrote - “I will never ask for you forgiveness. I don’t deserve it, and I have too much pride to ask for something I don’t deserve. But I do ask that you take this opportunity with (WW), and make it work.”

Forgiveness is not mine to give. If God has forgiven you then I can only bow down and say thank you to God for his undying love. I have asked for his forgiveness for the grotesque pain and suffering I have inflicted on my wife. God will only know if she can ever forgive me.

My forgiveness for the affair is complete. My regret is incalculable. I can only say that it is not in my nature to hate. I am trying to move forward with my wife. That will only become more difficult while you continue to contact her.

It is impossible for me to know what you have in your heart. I can’t conceive of your intentions. I can only hope that they are pure. If they are you will become that man of character and integrity you spoke about. In order to do that you must walk away and end all contact forever."

I feels good to get that off your chest doesn’t it?

Now print your letter and tuck it away somewhere. Don’t send it.

I wouldn’t send anything at all. I would ignore his email.

If you feel the need to respond how about something like:

Adulterer:

I think that you have “helped” my family enough. Please desist in this unwanted contact. Further contact will be considered harassment and appropriate actions will be taken to protect my family.

KCM,

Virtually all email programs have the ability to block a specific address. Find out how to do that in your email's Help section.

KCM,

My WS deleted her email account and also blocked her new one. So this technology is available.

I, unfortunately, know nothing about technology.

I would not give the scumball any satisfaction of a reply to his email. You should be able to block yours from him also. I think they come bouncing back to him, or he gets a non-deliverable thingy.

k

<small>[ August 25, 2004, 01:54 PM: Message edited by: krusht ]</small>

Here's the bigger problem.

When i found that he had sent her the email. I asked her about it. She denied having contact with him. She then deleted the message from her computer so that it was gone.

When i asked her about contact she BLEW UP. She told me she could not be with someone who did not trust her. That she wanted me to stop snooping. She wanted to put it behind us. That she is ashamed of it and never wants to talk about it again.

Later she made me breakfast and told me she was going to act like it (my questioning her about contact) never happened.

I am confused. I think i am going to continue to monitor the email and make sure things are one sided (him sending her unsolicited email).

It's not one-sided. She may not be responding to him (or even reading them, but I'd bet large amounts of cash that she IS reading them).

It's two sided because he emails and she receives them but fails to tell you about it.

Ask her why she will not tell you when she receives them.

KCM,

"she could not be with someone that couldn't trust her"

Sounds like some fog-babble here. There is no way you will be trusting her for a long time.

RADICAL HONESTY!! She must be telling you every time she gets an email from him. It has to be she and you against the OM.

They do have spyware that can copy all key strokes done on the computer. Is that what you are tracking the emails with?

Keep your temper and no LBing.
k

Yes i am using a spyware program.

KCM:

The bigger problem is a BIG problem.

Acting as though your questioning was something that you needed to be absolved of..[something I have generously put behind us..may we never speak of it again, ptui (spits)] is not acceptable. Do not allow her to dialogue with you in this way.

She has been dishonest about the emails

She is resisting your efforts to uncover the extent of contact
[emails behind back..."emails? what emails?"]

She is taking an offensive position by presupposing in her dialogue that you were in the wrong when you were not. [See? I can play nice when we play on my terms. Have some breakfast.]

Blowups are handy tools of misdirection. Do not be misdirected.

Update -

I have decided to continue monitoring the emails for the next week. The spyware has only been in place for one day (and look what i found).

I am going to gather some more evidence before i make a decision.

If they are still in mutual contact, should i proceed to Plan B or is that too quick?

KCM,

I don't know your whole story, but it sounds like you know the OM. Is he married? GF? Does the wife or girlfriend know? Quickest way to stop contact is to expose to all parties involved.

It is your job to snoop right now. Continue. You must know in your heart that all contact has stopped.

k

If you want my story go to the In Recovery forum and look up "My Wife is in HARD withdrawal ... please help."

Mark, it's too soon. While still in withdrawal, almost nothing you say or do is going to register with your wife. Of course she gets angry about the questions. She KNOWS that she has destroyed trust and it hurts to feel like you are being watched, questioned, and not believed. So ANGER is the way that the pain and hurt gets expressed because it's a defensive mechanism.

Patience. Patience. Patience.

One day at a time.

You need to know what is really happening, but you don't have to reveal that knowledge. You can choose to use the knowledge to direct your efforts, or if you find something that indicates the affair has been rekindled, then you can take intervention steps.

Remember Mark, right now your wife has not fully engaged in recovery efforts so you will have to continue to carry the load for a while.

Not fair, but not unusual either for early recovery.

God bless.

FH - once again thanx for the advice.

I had decided to do what you suggest already. I will not reveal what I know because the communication between them seems to be easing.

I know that he has sent her emails in the past. I know that she feels sorrow over how badly she hurt him. As painful as it is for me to know this, I understand it.

She sent him an email yesterday that said, "how are you doing. I know you have a good support system through all your friends. I hope you are doing well."

But the part that hurts me is when she said "I still feel like i am drowning, like i don't know where i fit in."

As confused as i am, i have actually gotten much better about handling this. My "crazy" period seems to have subsided. I am taking a much more rational approach. Monitoring her email does seem sleazy but i know it is the right thing to do. Until she comes out of this fog, she can't be trusted.

Eventually i will tell her about it but that may not be for a long, long time.

The email will hopefully stop. If not, then the confrontation will have to happen.

I hate to work off of hypotheticals, but what should i do when i confront her and she blows up again, doesn't answer the question and accuses me of spying?