Hey all. I have heard some terrific book suggestions on these boards before, and I am looking for some of those now.

H and I had a great talk last night, and he is beginning to recognize what his ENs are, and there is a very important one that he doesn't feel he is getting from me. Appreciation.

I do appreciate him. BUT, I also realize that I tend to focus on what isn't going well, rather than what is. I do the same with my kids, too. Not consciously, but when I am not paying attention, it is like my default setting.

So, instead of hearing how much I appreciate my H working every day and being our sole breadwinner, being a great dad to his two boys, helping out around the house with chores when needed and never complaining about it, taking care of the yard, and in general being a GREAT guy . . . he hears, "You work too much, you don't spend enough time with the family, you don't make wise choices when doing things (ie, buying sandals for the boys, haircuts for the boys, rollerblades for the boys)."

MY side is that if he is going to do me a "favor," I wish he'd pay closer attention to 1)prices, 2)sizes, and 3)the fact that the lady cutting their hair didn't hardly cut anything off and now I have to take them back in 2 weeks!

BUT, he is doing these things as favors, and if I want them done my way, I should just do them? Or find a way to express my expectations in a constructive way? Or . . . you see, this is why I am needing some books! Very good books! Like, "Learning to Show Appreciation for Dummies," or something like that.

One title I have heard a few times is like "The Proper Care and Watering of Husbands," or something like that. That sounds like what I need. And I am completely open to other suggestions.

FYI, this IS going to be a major topic regarding my kids, too, when I begin IC again.

Thanks all for your time!

SS

Know what Dear Mr. Pep is doing for me lately?

He is READING his favorite male recovery book aloud TO ME... about 20-30 minutes every night.

It is the coolest thing to do together.

He reads and I listen to his wonderful voice (Mr. Pep has a fantastic voice, a radio-beautiful voice-over voice ... like liquid gold poured in my ears ... yum ......)

The book he is reading to me he has already read himself, he wished to share the experience with me ...

"Wild At Heart" by John Eldredge ... it's a Christian-slanted book .... but really different from the usual "be a good boy" Christian book .... very masculine.

Pep

SS - That would be "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura.

But what is up with these guys? I worked, cleaned the house, shopped, did the laundry, took the kids to dentist/doctor appointments, went to school things, volunteered in the classroom, planned parties, and on and on.

But I always thought that was my responsibility.

SpiderSlayer,

Appreciation is a big EN for me, so I know what your husband is going through.

Here are my $.02:

"Proper Care and Feeding..." runs the gamut of male ENs. I have only perused it. But much of it covers what a woman should NOT do as well as what to do. May not have LOTS of examples or information on how to meet the appreciation need.

"Wild at Heart" is good (Thanks for the recommendation, Pep) but I am not that far through it myself yet. Would be insightful for you to see what makes a guy tick and it is an easy read.

Fortunately, I can apply my wisdom to your question and tell you how to meet your husband's need for appreciation. I will distill the essence of the problem down to almost bumper sticker philosophy and I would almost dare any guy to deny that this is not true. That statement is:

Every man is really a 10 yr old boy trapped in an adult body.

Actually, not my statement, but borrowed from Dave Meier (sp?) in his book "Boyhood Daze," which is a fun read about raising boys.

But the bottom line - which you will find addressed in "Wild at Heart" - is a man feels appreciated when the hero he wants to BE is appreciated.

So think of a 10 year old boy, what would you say to him to make him feel appreciated? You encourage a young boy, even if he doesn't get it quite right. And when you do, you will find he tries all the harder. Remember, this 10 year old boy you are married to has quite a "crush" on you. Ever see a young boy around a girl he has a crush on? She can make his day with an encouraging word and make him want to show off to her all the more. Or she can ruin it with a harsh one, taking his will to try.

Reason? She is his princess and it is important to him that she admire and appreciate him. So he will respond to that.

You may be angry at him for something he didn't do quite right, but you need to ask yourself:

1) Do I want a place to vent my frustrations (and then chose to gripe or nag)

2) Do I want him to change his behavior (and encourage when he moves in the right direction, EVEN IF it didn't quite turn out the way you wanted).

I guarantee he will follow your words of encouragement to wherever you choose to lead him with them. Frankly, to the extent that you will probably start questioning his intelligence because it will be obvious manipulation to you. Is it wrong to do it to him? Not if he is joyous about doing it, which he will be to receive your encouragement. It may seem almost underhanded, but you will be meeting his emotional need. You just won't understand why. You get what you want, he gets what he needs. A win/win scenario.

That's just the way "us guys" think. It doesn't have to make sense to you, but try it for a while and you will see I am right. (If you have been applying negative reinforcement a little thickly, you'll have to give him some time to come out of the stupor for this to begin working, but it will). RESIST the dark side - don't try to figure this out, you can't, you are a woman. If it sounds kind of stupid to you, then you will understand the glazed look we give you when you "just want to talk."

Hope that helps,

NCW

Pep, as usual, thank you for your input. Greatly appreciated. Your description of your H's voice is wonderful - liquid gold . . .

Believer, thanks for the clarification on the book title, and giving me the author's name. My word mix-up in the title cracked me up. And your fix - That would be . . . you always make me laugh!

ncwalker, thank you so much for taking the time to write so much great information for me! You just cracked the man code! I am currently reading "Men are from Mars . .," so a lot of what you said made sense to me. Several parts of your post made me laugh out loud, like questioning the man intelligence, and him having a crush on me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Because I know he does!

And everything you said fits in PERFECTLY with what he was saying to me last night. He said, "When you encourage me, and appreciate me, there is nothing I cannot do. I am on a cloud - it is wonderful."

And I want him to be on that cloud, and feel powerful in his life, because he is.

Again, thank you all! I am going to the library and the bookstore tomorrow!

SS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by ncwalker:

Every man is really a 10 yr old boy trapped in an adult body.


But the bottom line - which you will find addressed in "Wild at Heart" - is a man feels appreciated when the hero he wants to BE is appreciated.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And NCW is correct ... like shooting moose in a barrel .... it's sooooooo easy.

I just love my *wild man*

and I ain't gonna try and tame him ever again....

Pep

Hi Amy
along similar lines to NC Walker's post try
"The Surrendered Wife". There is also a web site by the author and you can get sent newsletters etc..

Doesn't sound very feminist does it, but lots of tips in there. Found it a good read once I got over the aversion to surrendering to anybody.

So your summer holidays are over. Great that means it is time for us to head into summer. It even feels like it today. it is in the high 20s (Celsius).
C&S

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> it is in the high 20s (Celsius). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Donna, what'd you go and do that for??? I have no idea what that means! Is it 60, 70, or 80 degrees? Maybe 90? What the heck!?!

I did respond to you on my other thread on Recovery (you know, the one with your name on it!). I think it got bumped to the second page. Oh well. My H thought it was really cool when I told him all about your kids' swimming, and watching the Thorpedo race when he was just 11.

Thanks for the book suggestions. After my workout this morning, I am going to the mall with a friend and her baby. And I'm going to the bookstore there! Yay!!! I am very excited.

It's so funny, the second page of the VERY NEXT chapter in my "Men are from Mars . . " book, says almost EXACTLY what ncw said in his post. Talk about the universe reinforcing where my head needs to be right now! Geez.

Always so good to hear from you!

Amy