Hello everyone:

I have been married to my high school sweetheart (he is the love of my life!) for 17 years. We have been together for 24 years and married after college. He recently left me and our two daughters (15 and 17 years old). This is the second time this year that we have separated. The first time was in February and now he has been gone a week, since last Wednesday, August 18th. Our 17 year marriage has been good for the most part, but we have experienced growing pains at various times. We have tried counseling, but to no avail, as he always stops going when it gets to the heart of the issue. I don't know what to do except pray that he finds what he is missing in our marriage relationship. When he left in February he told me and my daughters that he needed some "time" and would not be gone longer than 6 months. This time he told our girls that he would never put them through this again - separating from me. But, at the same time, he ddi not want to seek a divorce. He says that I am always nagging, and making him feel uneasy in this marriage. I want to get to the bottom of what he is really seeking. Is he having an affair and not wanting to tell me? Or does he really want a divorce? I pray that we can reconcile, but I'm afraid I said some things to him this time, as he was leaving for the SECOND time this year, that frankly attacked his pride and manhood - I did so out of anger and frustration. Is there any chance that he will forgive me and give our marriage another chance? By the way, you should also know that when he came back to me after the first separation in February, he expressed that he felt he came back too soon (after 3 weeks). Sorry for the long facts, but I'm really hurting and need to know what to do? When he came back in February we worked on the marriage (although not counseling)and he said I was doing a great job meeting his needs. He feels that my actions are not sincere or genuine, so he said as he was walking out this time that he did not want me to suffer any longer as I was holding my tongue for the sake of the marriage. If I was doing so well, why is he leaving? He is not interested in seeking counseling at this time either. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Looking for some advice

Do you really have a problem with your tongue or do you think he is having an affair?

"Leaving the marriage to have some space" is a common MO for those involved in affairs. So is blaming the spouse for the marital troubles.

Doesn't mean he is in an affair, but there are strong indications he might be. But I think you already know that.

Does he have contact with the girls when he disappears? Do you speak with him/see him on a regular basis?

Please read all you can on this site for help on how to execute Plan A, so those times you have contact with your H will be pleasant.

If you are wondering about an affair as a possibility, I would encourage you to use everything at your disposal (i.e., a private investigator) to get proof. Simply said, if he IS in an affair,there is no hope for your marriage until the affair ends. And an affair is not likely to end while it remains secret.

~ Snow

<small>[ August 26, 2004, 07:09 AM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

MelodyLane & Snowbelle

Thank you for your replies. At times, I do think I have a problem with my tongue, which I have been working on for quite some time. ("Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they who indulge in it shall eat the fruit of it - for death or life." Proverbs 18:21). My faith is very strong which is what has sustained me through the years with our marital problems and these last two separations. I did fail to mention that he did have an affair in 1999 but did not move out. He was apologetic and we did seek counseling, but as I mentioned, he nevers stays with the counseling long enough to see results.

I really do want my husband back. I don't know that I am prepared to research whether or not he is having an affair - my suspicions are strong that he is, but I'm not prepared to deal with it at this time. Our oldest daughter is graduating from high school this year and she is very angry that her dad left again. When he left in February is was right before her 17th birthday. He does maintain contact with the girls and sees them at least once or twice a week. He calls them every morning and evening. We talk only when it is necessary, and so far we have been cordial. I have been careful to act as though this separation is not bothering me and that I am getting along happily in my daily life. I am reading the Bible every morning and every night which I have been doing for years. He says that he needs space and time, and that his job is very demanding. He could no longer fight on two fronts (his words), his job and his home life. I agree that his job is highly stressful, but my job transition is just as stressful, and this is when he picks the time to leave again - two days prior to my last job ending. I just started in a new business and he knew that my steady income would be gone.

I am just hopeful that after a few weeks or maybe months that he will stop acting on his anger towards me. Prior to him leaving, he was acting very strange - wasn't really interested in romance and said very little to me when he entered the house after work. We did have a big argument about his lack of contacting me while he was away in July on a business trip. He would call infrequently during his week long trip and when he left messages -if I was not available - he would never say "I love you." So naturally, I brought it to his attention and he said I was again tongue lashing him and this is what he could no longer take. I believe my insecurities and my accusations (due to his previous affair) have contributed to his frustration and lack of patience in dealing with any of our marital issues. I am working on seeing things from his point of view. Believe me, God is showing me things about myself that I need to work on in order to be a loving, kind, patient and understanding wife and mother. I'm just fearful that if I don't continue to fight for our marriage, I will lose him to someone else. I look forward to the day where I can write as Melodylane wrote in her reply - "we just might make it." Help!

NewLife, if you want to deal with your marriage, you are going to have to deal with an affair, if there is one. There is no other way to avoid it. You can't deal with a situation if you don't know what is going on. You are totally unarmed for a battle if you don't have the truth.

I do suspect he is having an affair and I think you do too. If that is the case, then in order to save your marriage, you would have to do certain things to help hasten the end of this affair. Because your marriage cannot possibly recover while your H is having an affair.

Hi newlife,

I agree too that I think your H is involved in adulterous relationship.There are many clues that you mentioned that are classic signs of this and a biggie is that he has done this before.He obviously didn't really work on the issues in your marriage or within himself enough to make sure this didn't happen again but yet here you are.

My WH did the same thing too only during his first EA years ago I didn't know that's what it was because I wasn't educated enough about Infidelity and it is very clear to me that my WH is still struggling with his behavior and what he wants in life.We also started out together very early(teenagers) and I think my WH is partly curious about what it is like to be with other women,having only been with me his adult life.

So,like Snow said,try to glean as much info as you can from anyone and everything to see if your H is cheating again.If you don't then you will be playing a long and painful guessing game until your H decides to be honest with you.

O

<small>[ August 26, 2004, 09:09 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>