Hi guys I was told to come here since I was pretty much besides for a couple of people being flammed in the divorce thread.....sooo here it goes......I am 26 the mother of a busy 1 year old....my husband is my son's father.....we have been married just 6 years this last 8/8/04....but it wasn't a happy anniversary as the past ones had been.

The begining like all relationships was excellent....as time went on we became more and more comfortable with each other. I moved in with him when I was 18. We married when i was 20. He is 3 years older than me. As the years went on he became increasingly involved in other things...and i became increasingly lonely. I tried many times to get his attention....he would say in a minute and 2 hours later he was still on the computer....I was so happy when we finally started trying for a baby....6 months later I was pregnant....then 1 week to the day we recieved the horrible news that my hormone levels were dropping and i would most likely lose the baby. That night I cried for 8 hours....even when My pains came....my husband wasn't there....he was on the computer in another room....no comfort or consoling given. after that another 6 months went by and I finally conceved our son....and he is the light of my life...he was born via emergency c-section. my husband was great in the hospital. After we left the hospital I couldn't even lift my own child and had wanted my husband to at least spend the week home helping me....but work called and he went running...leaving me with a newborn, healing from a c-section, and severe baby blues....my depression worsened and I was almost put on zoloft. well as the months went by my husband kept becoming increasingly involved with work....I would say hey honey lets go do something together as a family....he would say why do you have to schedule something the weekend is my only time to relax....He was so caught up and attatched to his computer I decided to try something....I started to go on the computer so he couldn't use it...well that didn't work he just hooked up his laptop...so I gave up and found something else to occupy my time....so I made friends....and helped a friend through a tough time after his girlfriend dumped him....Big mistake on my part....in an effort to help a friend....we lonely hearts became attatched to each other and thought we had feelings for each other....we talked ALOT....and eventually I came to my husband with how I was feeling...because I loved my husband but I was having some conflicting feelings for my friend....at first he really didn't do anything...and my friend and I got closer...till i was too wrapped up in what was going on...I realize now he was an addiction...because he made me feel like I had worth...he complimented me...supported efforts I made....things I wasn't getting at home....fights started to build between my husband and I...till one night in bed he asked me.....would it help you make a decision if I sent you out there earlier....I said yes...and I told him my feeling were so strong....I didn't know if something would happen but it was possible....I wish he had never offered to send me...because it would have fizzled out.....but I went and things did in fact happen one day...and my friend and I realized too late it would never work out....I went home...and immediatly told my husband what happened when I got in the car at the airport....at first he handled it fine....but like my other entires...he now is paranoid, has anger issues, and is very stubborn....he eventually was screaming at me for a divorce...so i gave it to him...I don't want it tho...I have been more than willing to give up anything any sacrifice....I know what I did was wrong....and it kills me everyday that what I did is huerting us all so much....I want to work it out with him...we are going to counseling...but he just wants to go to couseling to learn to communicate for our son....he says NO effort will be made to save our marriage....he has screamed at me till I was shaking and scared poking me with his foot telling me to get up and stop being a stupid B&@%!). He has verbally abused me...till I felt like I just wanted to make it all go away....I know I deserve punishment....so i shouldn't complain....I am just lost as to what to do

Hi lost lamb,

I have read your other posts and have a better understanding of the situation you are in and the advice you already received.We do have some ex WS's here but they do not post as often as you might think so you may need to call out to them.There are more WW's here than WH's for sure.

So,I too will suggest that you should be implementing a Plan A and stop trying to force an outcome for your H right now.You should concentrate on making the necessary changes in YOU and worry about your H responses later.Your H is undoubtedly very angry at you still based on what you said so trying to reason with him will make him even more upset.*Show your H that you want to change and be the kind of wife he deserves.Now,this isn't to say that your H doesn't have his work to do either but for now,you have to work on yourself in order for your H to start looking at you in another light instead of the cheating wife.

However,despite your adultery,your H has no basis at all for any abuse and you should not allow that.Any physical violence and verbal attacks of a serious nature should tell you that you are not safe around your H and to get out,stay with a friend or family member until he cools down.

So let's make a list:

1) Counseling- you've already begun this which is good,keep at it for yourself and for your marriage, alone or with H.

2) Get the book HNHN(His Needs,Her Needs) by Dr.Harley and consider phone counseling with Steve if your present counselor is not able to get on target with your Infidelity and setting goals.

3) Take care of yourself and child. In order to endure this terrible situation and it's aftermath,you need to take care of yourself and get sleep and eat right.Ask your doctor about antidepressants(AD's) if you are unable to function well during the day.

4) Own up to your choices.Realize that you are in this mess due,in big part,to your decision to be involved with another man despite whatever your H was doing or not doing beforehand.Adultery is never the choice or answer to anything,ever.Don't let it happen again or let yourself be fooled into thinking that the answer is out there somewhere with another person,it's not and you found that out the hard way.

5) Try to be calm and considerate with your H when talking to him but again,do not allow any abuse.You can stand up for yourself and say I will not be treated this way and walk away.If you talk to your H in a calm and respectful way,he should also return the gesture.Even though you are both hurting terribly,you need to both get back to a position of mutual respect and care,part of what was missing in your marriage and that you have to reclaim.

Remember that you need to start making some serious changes in yourself to be able to be in a happy and fulfilling relationship and that means getting and staying with professional help.If one day you do not end up staying married to your current H,then perhaps this experience will have taught you how to relate in other ones more appropriately.It's one expensive lesson and price to pay though,especially for your child.

I hope this has helped.Keep coming back for support.We are here for you.

O

<small>[ August 26, 2004, 05:31 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Thankyou october girl for the great advice ...but I'm afraid it's too late.....my affair was in june. AUg 1st he let me know it was over and that same day went on a date with a girl he met at a bar.....I found out the trip he took last week and wouldn't tell us where he went....he was with her in a hotel she paid for for a week....he also used our funds to get to her when he said we were broke.....how did I come by this.....well this morning he came by my work and he had a hickey on his neck....he chuckled at my reaction and said I was so predictable....then later I found out the rest....he's known her for 26 days and they have slept together and she "loves" him already.....I can't bare this....my heart hurts so much....I know I deserve this......I was the bad one.....But I want to work it out.....

<small>[ August 26, 2004, 11:58 PM: Message edited by: lost lamb ]</small>

Side note...my husband informs me this woman he's known now for 27 days that he's slept with already...he wants her too meet our son and have a relationship with him....isn't it too early for that? Am I wrong for asking about this?

<small>[ August 27, 2004, 08:58 AM: Message edited by: lost lamb ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lost lamb:
<strong> Side note...my husband informs me this woman he's known now for 27 days that he's slept with already...he wants her too meet our son and have a relationship with him....isn't it too early for that? Am I wrong for asking about this? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pff.. Lost Lamb, sounds like your H is used to getting things done HIS way. Time to stand up to him. OK it wasn't your brightest idea to fall in love with someone else, but that doesn't give him the RIGHT to anything whatsoever.

Try to sit down, take a deep breath and look at your situation as if you were an outsider. What advice would you give yourself? Would you tell yourself "It's ok to let your H walk all over you because you're such a baaaad girl?"
No! I say again, NO !
You DESERVE to be treated like a person.
Your H will be upset about your A of course - but he cannot use that to ask things of you that you normally wouldn't agree to because they don't seem right in any context.

You're a mother. You need to decide what's good for your child. If you feel uncomfortable with this woman you don't even know just tell H you need more time.

everytime I ask him not to have her around him he accuses me of trying to take our son from him.....People have told me I can't control who he has around my son....I don't know anything about this little girl...(sorry can't call her a woman...she slept with a married man 2 weeks after knowing him on a vacation that partly used our money needed for our son)she could be some pshyco who when my husband goes to the bathroom and says here hold him....runs off with my son....I want my son to be safe but this process can't be pushed....he says he wants me ME to have a relationship with her.....I don't think thats possible.....I was given the addvice today that I never have to accept her but I do have to be civil.....but 27 days and she loves him and is more emotionally mature that she would be a better mother than me....*he said that yesterday*what emotionally mature person gives hickeys still?......I was extremely upset yesterday finding out the love of my life my whole world was with someone else only 27 days after he kicked our son and I out....am i not allowed to be upset....How can I go about this....find a child phsycologist? I just don't think during the divorce it's a good idea to push another person into my sons life he is already confused as to why his father is missing...why add more stress?

<small>[ August 28, 2004, 12:31 AM: Message edited by: lost lamb ]</small>

why do I still love him so much....is it right that I hurt over this...I feel as if I have no right to....I miss him so much....I wish he could wake up like I did and see what a precious thing he has on the line to lose and fight to keep it. Is there anything I can do to help myself with the pain I feel?

Sometimes, you know what, some men just won't tolerate a wife that has an affair, and it's said and done, just like that. Sometimes, you get the husband that believes a revenge affair will even the score. Othertimes, you get a husband that will take it all, and give it up to God, and love his wife throughout all of it. Guess what, in 5 years, you will get to look back and know what your husband is like.

Can you plan a him? Do you have it in you to do what you always wanted your husband to do, but turned to another man to provide? Time will tell.

If I can or if he will even allow me to Plan A him.....does that mean I have to see his OW....I don't think I can see him and her hugging and kissing....and he won't give her up....he's decided that....but how can I plan A him with a child involved.....I would cut off all contact with him if I didn't have to discuss visitation and childcare with him......It's so hard when he wants to tell me things about her...and I don't want to know...

I just read Lori's story and I must say thankyou....you have given back the hope to me my H has been trying to squash out of me....alot of your situation (while having some big differances from mine) were exactly the same....I read through going...yup...I've heard...that....hey my H said the same thing to me.....he did that too.....I thank you for sharing your story...it gives me the hope back I had almost lost the other day after seeing her mark on him....you are an inspiration to us all....