How do you respond to people who are your not so close friends when they ask how you are doing?

And for that matter, how about close friends?

I am curious about people at work who know your wife and kids, but not the details.

I just want to scream "HORRIBLE, MY WIFE LOVES ANOTHER MAN AND WAS CARRYING HIS BABY, NOW SHE WANTS OUT OF OUR MARRIAGE, BUT WILL NOT LEAVE BECAUSE I CAN SUPPORT HER, how are you doing?".

Think that would help?

"I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances" works for me.

Cant,

Depending on how "close" they are would determine how I answered...

Probably as much as you are comfortable saying.

Most of my coworkers knew...I wasn't trying to garner pity but I just got tired of pretending nothing was wrong.

I did tell a couple of people that I probably shouldn't have....my barber, just as she was beginning to cut my hair, things got really quiet and awkward and I could tell that she didn't really want to hear that.

I also told a young lady at the pool about my sitch (W and I were separated at the time) and she asked me out for a drink. She was a lot younger than me and fairly hot. I am sure I lost all color to my skin and started sweating. I declined and she gave me her number. Scared the hell out of me.

I'd tell people we were going through a rough stretch and to pray for us.

God Bless

Doug

canthishelp,


I too, am tired of protecting my spouses "good" name. My stock answer is " I am doing as well as anyone that is going through a divorce". If they then ask "what happened" as they invariably do, my reply is " My wife found her fantasy man. Unfortunately it's not me". After their jaw slams into the ground I politely change the subject.

d_rose, I had a similar thing happen to me and got hit on pretty hard. I must have had that deer in the headlights look. While it was a nice ego boost(and who doesn't need that going through this), it also terrified me.

"Sorry honey, I am a married man" I muttered as I slunk away.

It's hard. In fact people will actually ask me "How's ...(OW)?" because she was my best friend and we have some mutual friends. I have to bite my tongue at times not to say something sarcastic. I'll stick to "I don't know, I don't see her anymore" from now on. I'm doing this because she was sincerely ashamed and feeling guilty and respects NC. But if she ever makes a move on my H again, however, OW will not know what hit her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

So in your case.. as long as nothing is final and you might still reconcile, I'd keep my mouth shut. If however you're getting a divorce I don't see why you shouldn't tell people who will find out about it anyway? Unless you don't care about them knowing it or not.

[b]"OKAY today - thanks for asking" with a smile. Standard response to anyone who is not in a position of confidante or with an ability to help you improve or feel better.[/b]

You may be a hot topic for gossip today, next week it will be someone elses turn.

As time progresses, people lose interest, especially if they perceive you to be happy - nothing to talk about.

Do you want a pity party or real genuine help? The pity party comes from the general public, genuine help from a core of one or two confidantes and/or professionals who really know you.

Another thought whatever you say 'outside' may get back to op. I know the thought might be who cares, but do care, care for youself, let them know you are happy and looking forward to the birth of your yes that's right your - you & your wife's baby.

another aside some people may simply be asking to let you know they like you, and don't even know what has transpired...just you look tired, response "yeah I am, thanks for asking must try to go to bed earlier" smile, end of discussion re you personally, continue "so hope it doesn't rain today or something, what time does XYZ store close on Thursday" - deflect it,change the subject, why should you be the subject, it may be none of their business, and what do you want people to know 2 years from now? or later in life?

Sorry for going on so long, hope it's useful stuff
Good Luck
Chin Up
K

Beware of your own boundaries, to some people no one looks more attractive, than a soul in pain, ie. you the BS, it is so easy to slip, as others have said, yep, the calls & offers come in thick & heavy when you are perceived as some one in emotional trouble. It is a great boost when you may feel low, but be true to yourself, you aren't hurting this much, to embark on A yourself, know your boundaries, recognise your vunerability, and disengage when you are sensing something not quite right.

I have no desire (well, maybe a little ... STOP evil thoughts be gone!) to embark on an A, on the off chance I get asked. I do not think I will though.

I have told a few people, and they have been very respectfull.

I just hate to lie.

Well, I will take it one minute at a time.

Only a very few close friends and family know about the A. If they ask I tell them "the A is not over, I am doing the best I can under the circumstances".

OM GF asked me how I was bearing up this morning, through her own tears..... God bless her sweet soul.

::::::::::and what do you want people to know 2 years from now? or later in life?

Geez, I wish I'd thought like that two years ago. I'm real sorry that I told some people now. I find the whole thing terribly shameful, even being the BS. I spose you can't see past the moment when you are in pain and people want to know why you've gone from 120lbs to 110lbs in a month. At age 50, I looked like I'd contracted a horrible disease. Some asked me "did you lose weight on purpose"? Yeah, I love the scrawny look. I decided anorexia nervosa suited me.

So, in 20/20 hindsight vision, say "yep, I'm doing fine, how are you doing"? and pracise it with a big old relaxed smile on your face. I am with the previous poster who said that if you look happy, people can't dine out on your misery. Dunno why that's important to me now, but it is. Somewhat too late for me though.

canthishelp -

Hey there! You DID contact THE Spidey, I just didn't see it in time. Try again when you can.

To tell or not to tell is a very personal decision. My H didn't want me telling anyone, because brownhair and I are in the same boat with:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In fact people will actually ask me "How's ...(OW)?" because she was my best friend and we have some mutual friends. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And he was "protecting" her. Which just sent me over the edge. We live in a small community, our kids go to the same schools, her S was in H's Scout patrol, blah blah. Honestly, I did really good, until H went on the Klondike (Scout thing) with our oldest S, with HW there and her S. That same weekend, I took our youngest S to a "sock hop" at the school, and told just about everyone who looked at me with a concerned look and asked me what was wrong. Since I worked/volunteered/hung out at the school almost every day for 5 years, I know LOTS of people.

I don't regret it. It was something I had to do at the time. I think that H's finger had been on the top of my head about the subject, and I complied. BUT, when he showed such blatant disrespect for me and what was left of our M (in my eyes) by exposing our S to HW again on a Scout trip (it was an issue we were heatedly arguing about), I just kind-of flipped out.

BUT, if ya gotta flip out, verbal communication is the way to go. I didn't inflict harm on myself or anyone else. I didn't lie.

Our MC says just what that other poster said - people forget after a time. Their lives are busy, and especially when they see the couple/family happy again, it just all falls away. And that is what has happened with us. Occassionally, I'll see someone that I don't know that well (that I told), and they'll see H and I walking around holding hands, and I get all kinds of thumbs up, big smiles, even hugs, from all of them.

And maybe because that school and the women working in it have been such a source of strength and stability for me (I have a son with Asperger's Syndrome, and that has been difficult to accept and deal with over the years), when they knew, I was surrounded in a protective cocoon of love and compassion. I needed that so badly at that time.

I am babbling now! Almost like I am writing in a journal. Good grief! I'll chat at you later. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

SS

Usually I answer with "I'm fine, thanks"

"doing the best I can today"

"yesterday was a really bad day, but today is better"

"we are doing great"

I try to change the conversation as fast as I can!

Spider, I will try again another time. Its hard because you are always on, just not active or you are idle, so I do not know what to do.

I do not think I am going to send a general email to the company.

I think I will tell people how I am doing if they ask. I will try to answer in the moment, because usually when people ask I am doing sort of OK.

I have noticed that people have stopped asking me as much as they used to.

canthishelp, that is on account of my cable connection, I think. I DO get your stuff, but when you are off, I don't think you get mine. Bummer.

Anyway, I don't think an office-wide email or memo is appropriate. BUT, on an individual basis you can make your decisions.

So strange, after H came home, one of the men HE had confided in at his office, shared with us that his W had moved in with OM - her boss. So, during H's A, he confided in this man, and now this man's W is having an A. I think this man told me, because he knew I had been through the same thing (him and his W are also clients of mine, kind-of strange). I don't think he told anyone else in the office.

That was something interesting I discovered when I told people - about half have been through the SAME thing. Infidelity is rampant in this country, but NOBODY talks about it. Shame? Screw that! People get DUI's and they are socially accepted. Why not having an A? Everyone messes up. Depends on how they handle that mess-up when they come back to themselves that is the true measure of their character, I think.

I guess I am saying two things: 1)don't let shame or embarassment make your decisions for you, because neither is applicable, and 2)you could be missing a very good source of support - somebody there might have a story to share, hope to give, might even be an MB member!

Use your head and your heart.

SS

How about:

"I'm hanging in there" the ole classic response and all around support statement we give here.I have been hanging in there for so long I should win an Olympic Gold Medal!

Or," I'm moving on", "I'm moving ahead" or better yet, "I'm moving FORWARD" my WH's most frequent phrase to me about trying to put this all behind us.Yeah right...

Well,I knew from the beginning that certain people would be told MY side of the story when I am D'd.I don't care what WH is telling other's but it does matter to me what our friends are told.I have been mum for the most part but I have discussed it with two close friends aside from all the family members.I don't get asked how I am doing that much either lately,I guess everyone else is already accepted this is over and moved on/ahead/forward.Whatever.

O

I would say that one of the consequences of having an affair is people finding out about it. The WS does not deserve to be protected from that IMO. Other people knowing about A is what makes the WSs actions become real to them. Otherwise the fantasy could go on much longer. It's only fair. Oh, and there is no shame in being a BS. Some of the best people I have met have been BSs. That is not only MB people either. I work with a couple and have met others since this began.

Canthishelp,

Spider brought out an interesting feature to my exposure of the A to WW family, close friends, and work friends. I got unbelievable suport from almost everyone with very supportive emails.

Yet there were three couples that I expected an answer from and did not. After some peripheral conversations, it turns out that all three couples were either in the midst of the same thing or their were rumors circulating about one of the partners.

Sometimes A's can have a "ripple effect" through your circles of friends and family with unintended consequences. Pay close attention to how people interact with you, the feedback can be very enlightening.

This is a hard one....I can't hold in emotions so whenever a client, a friend, or acquaitance asked, I would burst into tears and tell them pretty much everything that is going on. Most of my clients/friends/family sensed something was wrong because I am normally so bubbly and happy and now there is a dark cloud over me that preoccupies my mind. I won't say anything unless someone asks...we have now been apart for 3 months and he is dating someone new so what am I supposed to...lie? That is his game, not mine. I will tell it as it is.

Me: 28 yo faithful wife who feels like an old toy that H became bored with and consequently went shopping and found a new toy to play with.

Him: 30 yo unfaithful H; affair 4 months that ended 1/04; dropped bomb 5/04 and immediately left me. Admits to dating someone new 7/04.