After leaving the gym last night, I stopped at the store for a few things. As I was walking in, OM was walking out. It absolutely took my breath away. I didn't know what to do. So, I just kept walking and turned my face away from him. I didn't want to look at him. Actually I was scared for some reason...
I went in got my things and as I was walking out, he pulled his truck around to the front of the store so I would have to walk in front of him. It was as if he waited for me to come out.
This is really freaking me out. Why?!?! Am I crazy? Is this coincidence? The flower thing, now this. I'm trying to put my life back together!!! I don't need this.
I'm ignoring it, doing nothing, saying nothing!!! Stay focused on my priorities... my marriage and family...

Dear Sakari,

give yourself time. It will get better. I used to start more or less hyperventilating when my ex-H would pass me by in his car or something, he scared me well after we were divorced.
I was the one that wanted a divorce and I felt like he was still checking up on me (which he actually did for more than a year) and it scared me to death in the beginning.

But as time passed it got better. I'd bump into him and I just remained very calm inside and could easily confront him. I'd finally see him as what he really was - a sad excuse for a person, trying to control others anyway he possibly could, with no regard for their wishes or feelings. Everything had to go "his way" because "he was right".

Accept the fear you'll feel when confronted with this man. Say "OK, this is a normal reaction, it will go away eventually and I won't care if I ever see OM or not. I will be able to stand up to him even if I have to yell "rape!" to get him away from me!"

Hi Sakari,

Have you told your H? Let him know that you saw the OM and what your reaction was... He will appreciate your honesty.

Have you given the OM a NC letter? If you feel that the OM is stalking you, I'd call the police...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

ditto RIF - please tell your H all about this.

Two reasons:

1. radical honesty

2. to stay on top of a potential stalking issue.

You need your H's enthusiastic support for both reasons.

WAT

No, I did not tell my H, and I'm not going to. He is stressed out enough and does not need this. I will just re-assure my H of my love for him through my actions.

I don't feel like I'm being stalked, or that he would hurt me. It's not like that. It is just his way of letting me know I'm in his thoughts. WHATEVER!!! I will ignore it, and move on.

Maybe I am sticking my head in the sand, I don't know... Maybe it is just all a coincidence. I know I just contradicted myself!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Remember what I said in my very first post on this site... My H and I WILL stay together!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> No, I did not tell my H, and I'm not going to. He is stressed out enough and does not need this. I will just re-assure my H of my love for him through my actions. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">here are my thoughts as a BH of your actions... You had "contact" with the OM... You didn't tell me... I'm automatically going to think the worst... You could have told me that you saw the OM, but you didn't... not much different than when you were actually with the OM during the A...

You know that your actions were "honorable", but your H wasn't there... How would you answer a question from him of "Hey, have you seen the OM lately?"... Would you tell him, Nope... haven't seen him to "protect" his feelings?

Do you want to risk the chance that your H learns that you saw the OM?... even though YOU responded properly?

What if the OM decides to give your H a call and tell him that he met you at the store on such and such a date... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I know that you want to spare your H further pain and stress, but telling him will SHOW him that you are willing to work on the M....

Keeping this from him will, IMHO, only be seen as more lies, no matter how honorable your actions were...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

<small>[ August 26, 2004, 08:42 AM: Message edited by: Rebuilding in Faith 90 ]</small>

RIF

I know!!! Honorable?!?! I know I'm in denial trying to convince myself that this is really nothing, when I have openly admitted that I'm fighting feelings for OM. I want to believe that I am stronger and will get past this. I've got to believe that. I've GOT to DO IT.

Honestly, if my H asked me anything about OM it would floor me. He chooses not to talk about it, he doesn't want the constant reminders. He absolutely told me that when he saw me reading surviving an affair. He thinks the book will just open old wounds instead of help heal. He knows my struggles, and he fully accepted that it was OUR lack of fullfilling each others needs that contributed to the affair, coupled with my low self esteem, and blah blah blah... You know the story.
As far as the healing process goes, well in my H mind, it's done, finished, move on, and get over it. So, no I will not tell him about this, especially after the way he blasted me over the flower thing. But if he asks me anything about OM, I will be nothing but honest with him. I do love him, and I do regret hurting him, so I will get my strength from that.

sakari - do you believe radical honesty has a place in your "new" marriage?

If not, you could potentially, eventually end up in another marital crisis.

On a related topic, will you consider exchanging the emotional needs questionaire with your husband? If not the questionaire, at least a conversation about it?

Burying the hurt and pain to make it go away is not healing. Hurt and pain are the results of the errors. Exploring the errors and preventing them BEFORE they cause more hurt and pain is healing.

Please give this some thought.

WAT

Yes I believe in radical honesty. I would love to be confident enough in myself, in my abilities to be worthy of love to be able to open up and share all of my insecurities, fears and desires. The growth, freedom, and happiness it could and would give me I can only imagine.
I'm here at this site, under a screen name, with no identity sharing my story with complete strangers trying to learn and grow to keep from hurting so damn much everyday.
And it's all because I just don't want to get hurt anymore. I've been hurt by people who are supposed to protect and love you the most. As a child, as a sister, as a wife, and I'm sorry it just made me a little thick skinned, but most of all scared, and undeserving.
I thought about what you said, and it truly opened up alot of wounds for me. I'm fighting tears writing this, because your post opened my eyes and made me realize I don't even know who I am, what I want, much less how to begin to get there. It's deep, too deep. You see,when I had the A, nobody could believe it, when I came clean with my eating disorder, nobody could believe it, when I told people that I felt like a worthless piece of ****, they look at me as if I'm crazy. They don't see what I see, because I've become very good at hiding my pain. But I tried to tell them... I tried to talk...
But I am not the only person who has been hurt, or lost, or scared and the only thing I know to do is be strong.
Yes, you are right. I will try. I will try!!!
I've got to reach this level in my marriage with my H. God the torn emotions, the mixed feelings, the fog, the pain, the believeing only to realize that it was nothing. Why?!?!
Thank you

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Honestly, if my H asked me anything about OM it would floor me. He chooses not to talk about it, he doesn't want the constant reminders. ...As far as the healing process goes, well in my H mind, it's done, finished, move on, and get over it. So, no I will not tell him about this,...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sakari, please read my signature line... I did the exact same thing that your H is doing... I buried the pain and anger.... acted like my W's A "never happened". My W bought into this as well. We lived like this for 10 years!

Oh, we got along better... she stopped all of her A's, and never had any more once we came back to the states... We had more children... life "seemed" good. But I always knew that there was "something" missing in our M.

If you are serious about rebuilding your M, then both you and your H need to find a good pro-marriage MC and start going.

I understand your pain... yes, I understand that the WS has pain too. Your husband is in pain as well... The pain might fade with time, but until you BOTH deal with the issues of the A, and the conditions in your M that led up to the A, then you will never truly rebuild your M.

Please find a MC and start going, even if your H isn't willing to go with you right now...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

ditto RIF again - please consider finding a counselor and going yourself - even if your H is not yet ready to join you. He reasonably may not be ready yet. But hopefully he will be in the future.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm here at this site, under a screen name, with no identity sharing my story with complete strangers trying to learn and grow to keep from hurting so damn much everyday. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And that's OK! That's terrific!

You keep writing and reading and hopefully you'll find what ever is missing to get you started on getting better control of your life - to find more confidence and to start liking yourself.

Folks like RIF and I are NOT counselors. We're just everyday people who have struggled or are struggling with our own situations. Please do not rely on us alone - we cannot possibly have all the answers nor be able to "read" anymore about you than what you write. The best we can do is nudge you in the right direction and validate your emotions. So, please get some real help.

WAT

sakari,

I agree with RIF and WAT, and I particularly agree with the suggestion that you get counseling. Please consider that.

You said a few other things I thought I would comment on. First, you continue to see your OM as someone desirable, but that stunt at the store, is not the actions of man who is noble. It is the actions of a man on the hunt, and you are his victim.

You don't realize this but your best protection is your H. Please tell him, it will frustrate him because he will want to do something to stop this and right now he cannot. However, if this continues he can, it is called a restraining order and he can help you by listening.

You also said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As far as the healing process goes, well in my H mind, it's done, finished, move on, and get over it. So, no I will not tell him about this, especially after the way he blasted me over the flower thing. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hello, he blasted you because it is NOT "done, finished, move on, and get over it" in your H's mind. He knows you still prefer OM to him. Or at least that is what he thinks. He is NOT over this and you hiding from him, you not talking to him, you not facing him down and challenging him to help you, is allowing this mess to continue.

Please seek a counselor and address it. Things don't heal in a dank, dark basement, and that is where this is being shoved. Things heal in fresh air, and sunlight, and that is exactly where the wounds you and your H have should be.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But if he asks me anything about OM, I will be nothing but honest with him. I do love him, and I do regret hurting him, so I will get my strength from that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is very good, but understand, he is very likely afraid to ask you, because he is not sure he can stand the answer. So YOU need to tell him, you need to be honest with him, you need to tell him how much you regret hurting him, and you are right as you do the right thing you will gather strength.

It is so hard to articulate this, but you and your H must come to realize that you gather strength from each other. It is the way of marriages and that is why Harley is so adament about love busters. It deprives the partner of strength, food for the soul, peace. Please think about this and then seek some help.

You are far stronger than you realize, and you are demonstrating it. Your H needs to understand your strength and your love. He won't know if you don't tell him.

God Bless,

JL

It is a terrible, terrible feeling when you realize that you THINK you love the OP, only because you were able to open up, to a stranger, someone who you didn't think could hurt you, because he wanted to help me.
But instead I was too scared of opening up, scared of being hurt and gave up on trying to trust the man that loves me more than anyone ever will... Oh my god!!!
The tears are flowing... I will print these post out and let my H read it tonight. It's not the bravest way, but it is a step somewhere.
It's been a year and it feels like it was just yesterday.
Thank you all.

sakari,

Oh, you idea is a brave one. But, given your realization, consider that you are NOT in love with any of the guys posting to you here. Yet, you are opening up here. Why? IT is safe.

I think as you and your H talk the issue of "safe" needs to be considered. I am guessing that once he understands that while he thinks he is "safe", you don't.

Frankly, I don't think you are unique in this regard. I know I find it far harder to say somethings to my W because I fear hurting her and I really don't like her disapproval. The ones you care for the most are the ones that are the most careful with, and that can lead to miscommunications.

I am not sure how your H will respond, but I think once he has time to realize that you do love him, you do what to be with him, you do want to be married to him, and this affair had to do with your fear of opening up to him (justified or NOT), it may help him see things in a different light.

Good luck with you idea and don't give up. Your H sounds like a good man and it may take him a bit to come around. Remember he is healing and has a few scars as well.

God Bless,

JL

What better message for your husband or exOM than to file a protective order and THEN tell your husband what has happened. Then you have protection commitment to your marriage, you have openness and honesty with your husband and you send a can't be more clear message to OM to buzz off. No contact means no contact. Not even intentional accidents on his part!

Sakari, I haven't posted to you before and I have nothing to add because you have some wonderful people posting to you and everything they are telling you is the best advice you can get. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I just wanted to let you know that as a FWW myself I know where you're at and I can assure you that you and your marriage will come through this because you are listening and you are determined to make your marriage work.

I also wanted to say that when you see the OM for what he really was and the withdrawal is over it is the most wonderful feeling in the world. It's like being given your life back.

My posts are scattered all over the board, right back to February. If you look some of them up it may help you.

You're doing well, Sakari.

Jenny

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong>Frankly, I don't think you are unique in this regard.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And neither is your husband.

I really hope you follow thru with your plan to show him these communications with us.

Mr. sakari - You certainly shouldn't immediately believe what I am about to say: You are a lucky man.

But in time, you will believe this. sakari is demonstrating to us genuine, sincere desire to make your marriage better than either of you ever thought possible. It won't happen overnight, but it is just about 100% possible if you both put in the effort and learn some new relationship skills.

There are many other guys here who never got this chance - because their wives lacked the courage and integrity to even attempt a recovery.

WAT