<small>[ September 25, 2004, 10:49 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

If you happened to be at home when a theif breaks in would you be nice to him just in case he came back and returned the stolen items? No, of course not.

If there is no reconciliation, you've lost 35% of your assets and he's reaped the rewards of dishonesty. Kinda makes one sick doesn't it.

It's amazing to me that he wants to argue that dating during legal separation is right. Heck, he "dated" during marriage and obviously didn't see the immorality in that! Duh!

He's blackmailing you with the threat that if you don't give him what he wants, he'll never come back. Why would you want him back at that point? Do you want him to walk away with almost everything and laugh? Don't you think he would respect in the end if you stand up for what is rightfully yours?

You need to consider that once he's gone with your assets, he's gone. Do you want someone else to enjoy your assets? He's manipulating you plain and simple. He's in a fog and his morals have left the building. If you let him get away with this, you have no one to blame but yourself. What's the old addage, "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." He's about to fool you twice and if you fall for it, shame on you!

pem,

It should be a 50/50 split (debt included), and the lawyer should easily be able to handle this (I assume that he's working for 'both of you'). If you see that this is not happening and your husband is running away with the lion's share, by all means ask for legal clarification. If you don't agree, then let your husband know that you don't feel it's fair and will ask another lawyer. If his business is a separate entity---there may be other issues involved.

That type of fighting is fine. It's when you lace it with disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, and selfish demands that it becomes a problem.

Oh yes---this is all typical fog talk. "Please give me everything in this separation, and I'm also going to sleep around. If you fight it, well---we won't be married anymore..."

That's classic fog. Just respectfully work through your lawyer to get an equitable distribution.

I strongly suggest you get your own lawyer.

Depending on your state/province/whatever jurisdiction, the division of assets may be pre-determined.

For example, I live in a "community property state" (Maryland, U.S.). Many, if not most, U.S. states are similar. All jointly held marital assets and debts are considered of equal property between the spouses - it doesn't matter who acquired them. When you separate or divorce, this "community" property gets split 50/50 - unless the parties agree to some other split.

Back to your topic question - yes, going thru all this can be a huge LB to the WS - if you approach it from an adversarial standpoint.

The best you can do is to approach it from a calm business standpoint. This can also be to your advantage - if you stick to your rights, with your own lawyer, this can lay the consequences of his decisions squarely in his lap. Consequences need to be felt.

pem -

Please don't let him manipulate you by basically telling you if you don't do what he wants, things will get ugly and he'll never come back. He's not acting as though he wants to work on your M, come back or reconcile anyway.

I agree with the others. Get your own lawyer and protect yourself if necessary after you see how this first session goes. Don't be afraid to speak up with the lawyer present if it looks like it's not going 50/50. Present your concerns factually and calmly.

When I went through my separation/dissolution, debts were split 50/50 and assets were split 50/50. There's no reason that he should be left with no debt but you left with the debt of your student loan or other things.

Protect yourself pem. Your H is clearly only worried about himself with no concern for you IMO.

Take care and good luck today.

sss

Manipulation.
Disrespect.
Selfishness.
Abuse.

Pemberley,

These are the things I see your WH doing to YOU.Forget tippy toeing around your WH in fear of any LB's or that you might graze his warped/bloated self image.

Protect yourself and get your own lawyer if need be.Things have become ugly already with your WH wanting to sell your home to pay off his debt,that he threatens you that he will not come back basically if you don't acquiesce to his bad behavior,etc.He wants things his way or no way so don't let him steamroll you into his way of thinking.I understand that you still have hopes of reconciling but recognize when someone is treating you in such a horrible way ok? You've received very good advice from the others too.

O

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My husband has told me that "if things get ugly, he will just walk away, and there will be no getting back together". So I've been trying to be nice about everything. He is talking as though everything is going to be distributed fairly, but it's really not, and I've been afraid to tell him, because I don't want "things to get ugly </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">pemberly,

I think it's a litte late for him to be talking like that. It is already ugly...and he has already walked away. I think he's using a bit of emotional blackmail in order to get what he wants out of the financial distribution.

I would INCLUDE the student loan in the marital indebtedness. It was to the benefit of both of you for your education to continue. Afterall, you would be earning more money and that money would have been applied to the marriage. Now that it won't be (IF you divorce) it is through no fault of your own.

I would not worry about the wording on the document to prevent dating. It isn't gonna matter. Like someone else said...the marriage license didn't stop him, so I don't think that a separation contract is going to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> What's the repercussion if he does? Staying married? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ALL the contents of the house should be inventoried and divided...the business things too.

Get your own attorney...list your assets and their value...list your debts and the amounts. Make a ME column...and a HIM column. Balance it out and present it. I feel that if you get moving on this he will not be a happy camper because HE wants to be in control.

On the LB thing...it isn't one when it's a boundary that you need to feel safe. Your boundary is that you are NOT going to be taken to the cleaners and left with nothing but debt.

He could see anything as an LB...even asking him to give up his girlfriends. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Start looking for an attorney.

Good Luck.
committed

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 10:50 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

Pemberly:

Nothing about your situation is fair, absolutely nothing. Your DH is currently a WS..that is a different person entirely, and you would do well to remember it. I suspect that he will have no trouble taking off the gloves with you if he ever felt inclined. I think you would be wise to investigate every single option available to you. I would get my own attorney. If you can have the separation worded in such a way that does not legally free him from his marriage vows [even though he has and will continue to disregard them] I would do so. I would also make no promise to him that you will not be divorcing on grounds of adultery, why would you make that bargain? If he desires and insists on being absolutely legally free to do as he likes..then he can be absolutely legally free..but not without paying the piper. If divorce on grounds of adultery would, in your area, tip the scales decisively in your favor..I would be willing to play that card. At the very least it is good incentive to him not to push you for 1) a separation that is on unacceptable terms to you 2) a divorce [as he would stand to lose a good amount of what he has as a result].

This is the time to stop worrying about what will be fair to him. Take care of yourself and take any and every opportunity to set things up in your favor..there will be a time when you need every asset that you can get your hands on..and I'll bet it's in the mail.

Your husband has made a habbit of dealing treacherously with you..and he is continuing this habbit. Time to clearly draw your boundaries and defend them. In the future he may once again become your DH..right now he is a predator that is seeking to devour you..act accordingly.

.02 Noodle

pem,

He is the one that WANTS to leave, so why should he get More then his 50%?

Since he WANTS the D (and you don't) then let him give you the 60-40% split in your favor. And yes, the business equipment (supplies, whatever) are just as much in the discussion as anything else you may have acquired.

Now on to more important things:

Truly don't understand this:
paraphrase : "IF I Don't Give him What He Wants....He might never come back."

Guess, what??
There is NO Guarantee Even if you DO Give him What He wants, that he will come back. How used will you feel then?

In fact, since HE IS leaving and WANTING to Divide up the assets....he's already heading in the direction of being gone forever. Sad but true.
Splitting up, selling the home, dividing the assets and dating other people hardly sounds like a "temporary" situation to most people.

The sooner you grasp that reality the better off you'll be.
(not saying it couldn't work out......but you better start planning on "what if, it doesn't)
And as a result, take the steps necessary to Protect yourself.

STOP worrying about being nice.
WE are Now talking about your future...the rest of your life.
Being respectful and polite are one thing.......getting taken advantage of is quite another.

NO one wants for you to come on here many months from now and Cry and complain about how foolish you were to trust him and how he "did you wrong" in splitting your assets.

Your ARE the ONLY ONE who is looking out for YOU right now.
(Your H sure is looking out for Himself ).
I strongly suggest you get to Protecting your interests as well.

If your H Chooses to NOT negotiate in good faith ( like he is now , with just the 2 of you), then you will BE forced (yes, Forced by your H) into getting representation from someone who will "look out" for your best interests.

I think you need a lawyer Now.
You are just too emotionally invested and actually intimidated by your H to ever get a "fair" deal......doing this all yourself.
HE seems to call the shots and indeed "control" every situation that goes on between the 2 of you. ( I strongly suspect that is a pattern that's gone on for years)

In the end, it all comes down to what you decide you can live with.
If years from now, you can live with your H first cheating on you, then deciding to leave you and then ultimately getting the Majority of the martial assets.....then continue on your present course.

If you think that you can't handle that, then you have to STOP being a door mat.
STOP letting fear control your every action. (or actually in your case Reaction to what your H says or does).

Being kind and considerate and not LBing does not mean letting someone take advantage of you.
You can still disagree and stick up for yourself and your rights.
Just do so in a non confrontational and respectful way.

Bottom line: Your H is taking advantage of your Love for him and twisting it to "get over" on you. This is out right manipulation of the worst kind, no doubt about it.
Good news is this strategy ONLY works ..IF YOU LET IT!

The power is yours...so take it back.

Hope you make the wisest choice for your life.
later

<small>[ August 26, 2004, 12:27 PM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

Pem,

Forgot to say I strongly suspect your H has had his "exit" strategy in place for some time now (just in case he got caught).

As Fast as he is moving this along, This is NOT a spur of the moment decision.

So more then likely you are at a Major Disadvantage here , since you are Most likely playing catch UP in All this.

Your H already has his plan and strategy IN PLACE, therefore he is much more focused and can be much more in control of himself......as he has been anticipating this outcome.
Please refuse to give him any Further advantages!

Lastly, how are you posting here, since your H has put the "password" on your computer?
Work, friend, relative or has he given you the code??

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 10:51 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

The good thing about hiring a lawyer is you don't have to fight over the 10%, that is his job! Definately go back by yourself, lay everything out and see what he has to say. Let him do the fighting for you, that is what he is getting paid to do.