This is my first post, so please be kind. We have been married for 21 years and have 3 children. Both of us virgins when we met. Had premarital sex, both religious, felt guilty about what we had done. So, we got married thinking we were in love. Though I feel we have had some hard times, we have done ok. Husband feels he has not had romantic love for me since beginning of marriage. He has had a couple of one night stands in the past 7yrs. He finally was fed up with current situation and moved out. Thinking that if we dated each other for a while, the love would return. However, that has not happened and he is currently dating someone else. I have begged and pleaded and given him space. Still says he doesnt love me romantically and doesnt feel that it is something that can be gotten back after all this time. I do. I told him yesterday to come and get his stuff and I was letting him go and be happy. I also sent him an article by Dr. Harley on if Romantic Love is a Realistic Goal in Therapy. He read it and sent an email saying THIS is what he has been searching for and could we discuss this further. Said that THIS gave him hope. Nothing has given him hope before, why should this be different?
My heart wants to run with that. Brain says to be leary. What should I do? How should I proceed? I want more than anything to stay married to him, but I cant live with anymore cheating or lying. He is on antidepressant meds because of all the guilt, I think, over the affairs, the years of pretending to be in love, the problems...He feels defeated. I still feel hope.
Any suggestions????

Welcome Katie.

Right off the bat - tell him you changed your mind (about coming to get his stuff) and you want him to come home and start working on the things Dr. Harley wrote about. Not only can you discuss it further - that's just the tip of the iceberg of the potential you have in your marriage.

If you've already read some of th info on this site - enough to send that article to your H - have you grasped the concepts of Plan A? If so, get started. If not, find the discussions of Plan A/B on this site and start absorbing and asking questions.

Welcome Katie.

Right off the bat - tell him you changed your mind (about coming to get his stuff) and you want him to come home and start working on the things Dr. Harley wrote about. Not only can you discuss it further - that's just the tip of the iceberg of the potential you have in your marriage.

If you've already read some of th info on this site - enough to send that article to your H - have you grasped the concepts of Plan A? If so, get started. If not, find the discussions of Plan A/B on this site and start absorbing and asking questions.

Thanks for the help. He has agreed to come home and work on our marriage. He says that he has to have that romantic love. That he has been without it for years, most of our marriage. That THAT is what is missing from his life. That he wants to be passionatly in love with his wife... Does Dr. Harley's really work and will we be able to get that? I love him and he loves me...just doesnt have the warm fuzzies. If we follow the plan, hit all the emotional needs, can we have romantic love??

Absolutely!!

Start with the emotional needs questionaire.

Order the books His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving An Affair. A dirt cheap investment for a potential lifetime of romance!

I also strongly suggest getting into marriage counseling. Find one who is at least familiar with the MB concepts, but there are plenty of other approaches out there. I believe they're pretty much all basically the same with most differences in semantics.

WAT

Hi Katiegirl!

Wow, two people who are willing to work on their marriage together, and who have found such good tools as the MB concepts. How can you go wrong!

I was pretty close to thrilled to read your thread this a.m. as I was starting to dispair on the whole marriage concept in general, after being on this infidelity site for 4 months.

Hoping the best for you and your husband, and thank you for lifting my weary heart today.

Weaver

Katie,
Is there a chance you could point to that article you gave to your H? (Dr. Harley on if Romantic Love is a Realistic Goal in Therapy) My WW is giving me the same story, no love ... And I want to make this work. If you had to pay for it, just let me know and I will buy it too.

Thanks

Good luck, it sounds like your off to a great start. Keep us posted in the good times and bad.

Canthishelp, the link to that article is http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8118_real.html I hope it helps with your spouse. Mine feels that it is essential for him to be happy and from what he read, feels that it can now be attained if we work on the things Dr. Harley talks about.

Weaver, I am glad somebody is encouraged with all this. I have prayed that if God would allow our marriage to be restored, that He would be honored and glorified. It is nothing that I have done. God is seeing me through this and I KNOW He is working in my husband as well. I hope that something about my posts can lift your spirits and your hopes.

Husband has not come home yet, but is making the preparations to. Still has to talk to the other woman and break things off with her. I am still a little anxious he might change his mind, but have to leave that up to God. I am going to order the home study course for my husband and I do at home, along with counciling. Our hardest part, is going to be the fact that he is going out of the country for the next 3 months with his job. So that is not going to help, but maybe it will be time we can heal somewhat and work on issues through phone calls and emails. Maybe by the time he comes back, some of the resentments will be gone and we can start afresh. Thats what I pray anyway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Thanks for all your enouragement. I have needed someplace to talk about this stuff.

<small>[ August 27, 2004, 05:21 PM: Message edited by: katiegirl34 ]</small>