Can they ever change?
Give me your honest opinion MB, my H continued on as if he was a single man without a family for the entire 7 years of our relationship. Now that he is away & intends to be for a while he claims he's changed, that he will never do what he once did....blah..blah..blah...

I'm having a hard time believing if it is just what I want to hear so he can keep me there to support him during his time incarcerated.

I'm not sure if it will be worth waiting for him and trying to rebuild our M some 4 yrs after all this. I can't trust him. He's mentally unstable and our entire M has been based upon lies.

So now I guess I just need to know if I'm playing myself for a fool. Besides the mental instability...self esteem and depression issues (I know he'll forever have to take med's for -bipolor disorder)

What is my odds that he will stop such obsessions?

He told me some 8 mo's ago while in Plan B that he couldn't guarantee he'd never cheat again...hummm what would make the difference then...now...or in the future just b/c he has a bit of the realization of how it is to be completely without his W and D's.

I feel like I'm m'd to false hopes and dreams..what do you think? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

What is your husband in prison for?

Drugs? Larceny?

You are 23 years old for heaven sake, make something of yourself, for your children, and for yourself. Leave this loser behind!

Very few men come out of prison "better" than when they went in. It happens, but not often, and he is mentally ill to boot!

Spend the next four years developing a career for yourself, or education, whatever it is that is needed for you to have a successful life, and to be a great mom to your babies.

Stay here and let us help you through this.

Blessings to you,

Weaver

Dear Finding,

I also would like to add that your post was very well written. You are obviously educated and smart.

You are just so incedibly young, and to be going through this just isn't right.

You deserve, and can have a great marriage with a great man. Why settle for this?

If he comes out of prison a changed man, due to God's grace, than you can see if you want to try with him. However, I would not advise you, if you were my daughter or niece to wait or to expend any energy on this marriage during that time. Use your energy on yourself, and your kids.

Weaver

FC,

To answer your question of Can they ever change?

Yes they can.

But you still need to protect yourself and your children. Take Weaver's advice and develop yourself, your life, and your children's lives...

Even though your H can't participate with you, I'd seriously consider MC... It will help you tremendously to have a professional pro-marriage MC guide you through your feelings right now.

If you still desire to work on your M when your H is released, then come up with a plan that will protect you and your children... Again, a trained MC is much more qualified to guide you than I am...

Wishing you the best...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Thanks Guys....
Surprisingly I have a good self esteem, strong work ethic (been at the same position for 5 years this September as an Administrative Assistant), I'm educated, a good mom, determined and a beautiful human being inside and out. I have never been dependent on my H which I believe has always intimidated him & allowed him to see me as "mommy" rather then his equal...his W! And he has admitted to that in one way or another. "I always felt like you are better then me, you are, look all you have done through all this too...you don't need me"....

"Whoo is me" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I'm so fed up with things these days. Although I've allowed myself to forgive him I will never forget and I'm not a good person with him. I'm not confident that I will ever be because I'd have to lower my demeanor to check after him constantly...play back in my mind the questions that arise when you have been betrayed for so long. I've been married this whole time where is he has not. I've been married to the idea of a H not the one I have.

It's kinda sickening don't you think? I've always been a second guesser...always analyzed things...playing out the facts...attempting to make the right decisions and have good reasons behind them...

You know so that that "what if" doesn't haunt me...Well I kinda feel like that's what I'm doing now. I agree with you though..I've thought about it..I can be supportive by taking the kids to see their father...phone calls..letters...etc. But I think I'm gonna make the attempt to legally separate until I can afford a D. I would like (although scared) to keep myself open to the opportunity of good male companionship eventually & if it presents itself before the end of his sentence I want to make sure I've made the right steps.

As for now..honestly I don't feel I need a man. I've got god, my beautiful D's, and some great friends to support and inspire me...Besides the romance and companionship we seek in a relationship that is pretty much the only thing I've found myself truly missing.

<small>[ August 26, 2004, 11:51 AM: Message edited by: Finding_Clarity ]</small>

Hi FC -

I believe a serial cheater can change but it's probably gonna take a lot of hard work. You'll note from my sig line that my H was a serial cheater. He had A's almost continuously for 20 some years.

My H went through IC and continues to do so... to understand what drove him to have A's. Turns out that due to childhood wounds (alcoholic father, multiple A mother that abandoned him when he was 12) H was continually reaching out to others to fill the big huge hole in his heart. He used the OW's to make himself fell better, admired, wanted, loved, smart, attractive, worthy, etc., everything he really wanted/needed from his mother/parents. And then he drowned all the feelings of guilt/shame he felt about the A's by drinking...heavily...until he hit bottom last year.

My H is healing. It's been a long hard 14 months for him. He is different. He is sincere. H is starting to like himself, which allows him to be intimate in a healthy relationship.

Have you been to MC? Has your H been to IC? How do you think he got from

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He told me some 8 mo's ago while in Plan B that he couldn't guarantee he'd never cheat again </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">to knowing he would never do it again?

It's a long, rough road while the serial cheater discovers who they really are and why they did/do the things they do.

Take care.

sss

<small>[ August 26, 2004, 01:09 PM: Message edited by: stillsosad ]</small>