I am just wondering if all my work towards reconciling, all the words of encouragement, all the love and support I have provided to my cheating H during our 3-month separation are being deposited into his love bank....or is something that is just ignored and thrown on the ground while he plays around with his new flame? I don't know why I have been so nice after all that he has done to me...I guess I am just not a very angry person in general so I am lost.

I am just wondering if any of the work I have done on my own while he sits back and enjoys his "so-called" bachelor lifestyle counts towards anything? Or am I just wasted my energy?

Me: 28 yo faithful wife who feels like an old toy that H is bored with and consequently went shopping and found a new toy to play with.

Him: 30 yo unfaithful H of 3 years; affair fall '03-Jan 04; dropped bomb and left me 5/22/04. Started dating new woman 7/04. Signed year long lease in a new apartment 8/04.

No kids, no property

I believe your heart and intentions are in the right place but it is time for you to consider who the most important person is here...and that is YOU. Begin to focus on yourself and do not worry about him.

You have a helluva lot going for you...first, your age, you have your whole life ahead of you. The following is just my 2 cents, MHO, I mean no harm or disrepect and can only comment on my situation.

Realize this...he has slept with another woman...over several months...and has continuously lied to you. He has signed a lease on a new apartment....so, do you think he really thinks of you at this point in time?

I firmly believe if a WS is sincere about reconciling they will do it in their own time. My M did not work out but I know I did everything I could to save it and it does take 2 people, not 1, to make it work. About 3 months ago I stopped trying and began focusing on myself. I now know I can only change me and my life circumstances, not her. So, a sort of modified Plan B went into effect but I cut off all ties emotionally to her that I could...and gradually found myself again and my self respect.

This took alot of work on my part and it helped that she had moved out of state during this time and we filed jointly.

Anyway, just my 2 cents, good luck.

Nature

Thanks Nature...

Focusing on myself sounds good although I struggle getting the mess out of my mind...not sure how to completely let go.

I have a business to tend to, am training for an Ironman triathlon in October, and have a wonderful support system in my family, friends, and San Diego community...all of which keep me busy during the day. It is at night that I struggle the most...try to get out of the house but inevitably I come home to an empty apartment and that is crushing when you are used to having a roommate, best friend, lover for 5 years...as most of you I am sure can relate to. I would seek out a roommate but my business is out of home which makes that scenario impossible.

All my close friends got married the same year I did and starting families so I feel selfish imposing on them to do things at night. I guess I will just have to figure things out over time. I was very self sufficient, not knowing what love even was before I met H. It can't be that hard getting back to that state, right?

Thanks again.

Me: 28 yo faithful wife who feels like an old toy that H is bored with and consequently went shopping and found a new toy to play with.

Him: 30 yo unfaithful H of 3 years; affair fall '03-Jan 04; dropped bomb and left me 5/22/04. Started dating new woman 7/04. Signed year long lease in a new apartment 8/04.

No kids, no property

Thanks Nature...

Focusing on myself sounds good although I struggle getting the mess out of my mind...not sure how to completely let go.

I have a business to tend to, am training for an Ironman triathlon in October, and have a wonderful support system in my family, friends, and San Diego community...all of which keep me busy during the day. It is at night that I struggle the most...try to get out of the house but inevitably I come home to an empty apartment and that is crushing when you are used to having a roommate, best friend, lover for 5 years...as most of you I am sure can relate to. I would seek out a roommate but my business is out of home which makes that scenario impossible.

All my close friends got married the same year I did and starting families so I feel selfish imposing on them to do things at night. I guess I will just have to figure things out over time. I was very self sufficient, not knowing what love even was before I met H. It can't be that hard getting back to that state, right?

Thanks again.

Me: 28 yo faithful wife who feels like an old toy that H is bored with and consequently went shopping and found a new toy to play with.

Him: 30 yo unfaithful H of 3 years; affair fall '03-Jan 04; dropped bomb and left me 5/22/04. Started dating new woman 7/04. Signed year long lease in a new apartment 8/04.

No kids, no property

You know what, you are doing very good considering the situation. Yes, it will take time to get used to being alone...but remember, the key is to KEEP BUSY...and MEET NEW PEOPLE.

FOCUS:
1. On you...stay busy with your business and your training for the triathlon. Physical fitness was a boon for me over the last 12-16 months. I always was in good shape but dropped another 20 pounds and added on some muscle. This helped boost my image and self esteem.
2. Yes, you need to get out at night...maybe by yourself if no one is available. Bring a book, have a glass of wine but try to socialize, I know this helped me tremendously. It also helped that I have a single buddy who knows alot of people..you do not have that so you will need to meet new people on your own. Don't be shy, smile, open up to strangers, you will be amazed how many other lonely people there are.
3. Time, Time and more Time....that will help heal you again...and know YOU are the BETTER PERSON HERE....he has a MESS to deal with, not you....HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH, YOU WALK AWAY WITH YOUR DIGNITY INTACT.
4. What Comes Around, Goes Around....the Golden Rule always applies....and I firmly believe my WS will look at this in a few years as a huge mistake...I have already seen peeps and squeaks from her about us, sort of Jekyll and Hyde from one week to the next....she is very mixed up and so is your WH. But, enough is enough....HOW CAN YOU SEE A CHEAT??? All they know how to do at this point in their life is LIE, and LIE very well I might add....do you want this for the rest of your life? Know you and I kept our vows, and leave the M with your dignity, conscience and soul intact. And get angry!!!! You deserve it!!!

Keep me posted, keep busy and good luck.

Nature

I can tell you from experience that those love deposits are going excactly where they should go......not that he's going to tell you they are or show you that they are.

During my H and I's longest seperation....3 months.....I did the same thing. I just decided to be nice. I quit playing his games and went on about my business......even though I wanted him back as badly as I had on day 1.

We are now almost into our 3rd year in Recovery.

Hi kjb,

My H & I were separated for 4 months while he was in his A. During this time, I plan A'd my behind off! Believe me, he took notice! He would not admit it to me though. I took notice that he responded to me positively by turning from one mean, cold-hearted stranger into the man I fell in love with again.

After he came home in Feb, he relayed to me how he started taking notice of all the changes I was making in myself w/o me ever having to say a word. He thought the changes were "fake" though, "to get him back". He even thought that when he moved back home. He was still apprehensive until just a few months ago, when he knew that the changes I made in myself are permanent.

The key to not feeling so alone is a lot of prayer (let God fill you w/His Holy Spirit) and getting out w/family & friends. My big sis kept me busy when the kids had to go w/their dad all day on the weekends & even though I was miserable at first, after a while, I came around & started to enjoy the quiet time away from the kids. I started to feel better about myself, dressing better, liking who I was when I looked in the mirror.

I do agree with Nature that you cannot do anything about his choices. They're HIS choices. But you can do something about your own. Choose to continue loving life, despite this awful thing that's happened. Choose to continue to love him despite how badly he's hurt you. Choose to have a positive outlook despite what your circumstances look like.

Most importantly, try not to worry so much as what your H's doing or thinking about you. Focus more on how you can heal & start loving life again.

Prayers to you,
Yvette

Thanks for the inspiring...will continue to try to focus on myself!

In the meantime, do I continue to try to deposit into his love bank (little things like asking how is job is going) even if he is not depositing into mine?

You guys all rock...thanks for the advice ( :