Eversince my husband bought himself a cellphone things have been going downhill fast. He has been coming home around 10 each night because he is taking advantage of his free minutes. He is over his minutes and his first bill is going to be over 300.00...Which makes me sick. On sunday night we came home and he makes a excuse that he has to go out to my car for something. I knew what he was going to do. I asked him to please not to do this. He just ignored me and stayed outside for over a hour. Then Monday and Tuesday night he didn't come home till after 10pm. Which I already knew he was talking to her. Last night he got home a little early. Around 10 he picks up his cell and says I am going out. I stood at the door and asked him to please not go and do this again. That I feel hurt and disrespected.

He looked in my eyes and I didn't see anything at all. He said why can't you get it through your head that I don't want to be with you anymore. That it's not about her. It's about how I feel. You don't understand me, your one sided, we don't agree, we have different values, and you don't listen. I asked him why he doesn't want to try. He said because I don't want to be married anymore. He keeps insisting it's not about her so I asked him why he can't stop contacting her. He says because he doesn't want to.

I have been doing plan A. But it seems as if he is taking advantage of my changes. He says that the reason he has been coming home late and calling her and stuff is because he wants me to get mad. And eventually leave him. I am not upset. He said terrible things last night. Yes he was angry and frustrated. So was I... But I think he was even more frustrated because he didn't call her because he knew it was wrong and he says he didn't want to hurt me.

Does it sound like it's time for plan B???? Seems like when I really do a strong plan A and things seem to be changing then he tries to rebel against it or something. I know the affair has to die it's own death but how about if it never does? I know I can make it on my own. I guess it's just that I don't want to. I can't understand myself. No matter how much he does I still love him and want to try. He keeps asking me why I want to stay with a guy that is doing this to me. Two things come to mind my kids and the fact that I still love him very much. But I am not sure if I can continue to see him indulge in this EA and not even care enough to try.

My three year old saw him packing a bag. And started to cry. He said daddy still loves me then he said please don't go daddy. Stay here. That broke my heart into pieces. I see signs of hope but lately all I hear is I want a divorce or I don't want to be married anymore. I promised myself today when he says these things that I am not going to react anymore. I am going to nod like I understand and let it alone and see what happens.

When he goes out to call her and pretty much not caring if I know or not how do I react? Do I just let him alone and go do it? Do I ask him not to then let him go if he still wants to? I am lost as to what to say and do in this case if I still follow plan A for a little while longer.

Thanks for the advice and listening to my vent.

<small>[ August 26, 2004, 12:00 PM: Message edited by: SadMarylandLady ]</small>

Also today when I left for work he said guess I can't get a divorce since you won't give me one. I asked what he meant and he said well your going to contest it. He seems to go from being angry and wanting a divorce to almost joking about the whole thing. I don't know what to make from this.

sadmary.....if you have done a good plan A, i would go to plan b.

Wait for others to reply though

this all sucks
take care
A/C0810

SML..
God...the things your H said to you sound so much like what my WH has said to me. I am in plan B and it is hard but at least I don't have to see my H and feel hurt everyday. It might be time for plan B for you!!!!
My H is in a major fog right now and it sounds like yours is too. I'm hoping that not seeing me or talking to me will make my H second guess himself. It's all I've got right now.
I also have a son who cries for his father. It's very hard but I just keep hugging him and telling him that we both love him with all our hearts. It's a long road but I'm sure in the end we will all be better people!
Hang in there. I'm right there with ya.
{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}

I had a really LONG reply and lost it...drat!

I'll try it again...

When to decide to move to Plan B:::

1) If you have done everything necessary in Plan A (expose, fulfill needs, explain how you are hurt)

2) If you are beginning to lose your love for WS. I think I read on here once that everyone has their own time limit as to how long they can stay in Plan A, but that women generally can't stay in as long as men...something about how we are generally more giving before Plan A. Sometimes our time in Plan a is a short as a couple of weeks. Recovery takes alot of love and strength, and you want to make sure yoiu have love left for your S to make it through withdrawal and recovery.

3) If the WS is waffling back and forth about who to be with.

Plan A is important to show how loving your M is, and how you can change and fulfill their needs. It is an example of what the M could be like on youir end. Sometimes the S will fall back in love with youi in JUST Plan A...but other times, the fantasy of the OP is just too strong and Plan A becomes enabling. You are fulfilling whatever needs the OW is not. If you move to Plan B, then the WS has to have ALL their needs fulfilled by the OW, and they are lacking, lacking, lacking...

The way I would work this in your situation?

I would continue to gently confront him every time you know he is going off to call the OW and let him know how much it hurts.

Let him know he can't continue with her in your M for much longer.

Pick a date for when YOU want to move to Plan B.

Out of respect for WS you may want to talk with him about moving out, but let the details of Plan B be a surprise. Dr. Harley says Plan B should come as a shock...

He will hem and haw about moving out...say he wants to go, but will stall, because he wants to have his cake and eat it to. And if the OW gets wind of him moving out may start the pressure...

When he moves out that's when you hit him with the terms of the Plan B, no contact with YOU until there is no contact...ever...with the OW. Find an intermediary.

Then stay dark, dark, dark... and wait for the A and the fantasy to blow up in his face.

SML,

U R pregnant, a working mother and HE wants U to leave and file for the D? Is he nuts? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Tell him you are not sure who he is right now but your real H wouldn't be sooo stupid. Then when U R ready, give him a kiss goodbye and tell him his things have been put in the garage (or on the porch) and now he can go file the D.

In the meantime you go get your separation paperwork ready. Learn what his financial obligations are to the family and let the lawyer/family court know that the A and his cruelty is making you look at options. You can also run this by a local women's abuse shelter or hotline. They may have advise pertaining to your area. Don't hesitate to tell these people that you are pregnant and that he said he wants to make you angry so you will D him that is why he is flaunting the A in front of you and your child.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

You need to go take care of yourself and don't worry on what corner his butt lands. Really!
L.

SML,
I agree with the masses....might be time for Plan B. He blatantly flaunts the A in front of you. He must assume he will be allowed this behavior indefinately. His snide remarks are hurting you.
Of course wait for some more replys !

SML -

You posted this exact same question just a couple weeks ago. You both are going around and around in circles. It is time for ACTION. Do what Orchid says. Get an appointment, find out your rights, and start driving the TRAIN that is your life. He is making his bed, and it is time for you to boot him out and let him lie in it.

SS

SML - UGGG, your WH is making me soooo mad. Let me know where he works so I can stop up there and smack him upside the head. Please, just one smack? I'll even put my diamand back on for that so it leaves a mark!

Please consider what Orchid and Spider Slayer are saying. They are very wise <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . You don't need this stress in your life right now.

When my WH was here after D-Day he was so cold and horrible. The constant rejection was so painful, I thought I was going to lose the baby. The first few weeks that he left were horrible but non-unbearable. I was immediately able to sleep better, slowly my appetite came back, and the tears finally stopped. Now I keep myself busy and take care of myself. It's not the life I planned but if this is what my life turns out to be, I will be alright. If I can do it so can you. I am "lucky" (at least that's what Spider Slayer tells me!) that WH is being very nice to me right now so that helps. I can't imagine going through the constant stress he is putting you through while being pregnant. You need to take care of yourself.

Kloe -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am "lucky" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, "lucky" is definately not the word I should have used. And I shouldn't compare the pain you are going through to anybody else's situation. I apologize.

I think what I meant to say is that I am grateful your WH is treating you with decency and respect, in this situation, even though that is not all you necessarily want from him right now. I think he has an appreciation for your condition, and is doing his best in his own way.

I truly did not mean to belittle your pain.

SS

SS- Please do not apologize to me. I do feel "lucky" after reading about all the crap others are going through with their WS's!

K