My WW said and I quote, "He is the biggest [censored] I ever ever met". Yet she stays with him and is confused about coming home to me who has shown her more love and care than anyone including her own family? As far as I am concerned women who stay with people like that deserve the abuse. i mean how foolish can u be? Is there something inherently inside women that craves abuse? Or, is it only children of abusive parents? When there is a choice between a caring kind man and a neglectful [censored] women almost always choose the latter. Just my own observation from my situation and others. Maybe if I treat my WW like garbage she will want to come home.

I wouldn't just put women into this catagory. My H left me for an abusive, married crack whore. They have beaten the crap out of one another, (the cops were at their apt. at least once a week), she also verbally abuses him, threatens him,uses her children, fakes suicide to get his attention, lies, and cheats on him as well. Yet he thinks she's wonderful. I treated my H special and loved him with all my heart.
I feel the same as you, maybe if I had treated my H like crap we'd still be together. Now he's telling everyone I'm crazy, and that he never loved me. All this after 13 yrs. together.
Maybe they feel so guilty about everything that deep down they feel it's all they deserve. I truly wish I knew the answer.

My feelings are that in a large percentage of cases the WS realizes the effect that an A has after the fact. In order to save face they must then put their A partner on a pedestal to further justify their actions. I think most people would more easily admit to an A because of their "love" for someone else as opposed to just the lust factor. "Love" is glamorized in the media( as is adultery) to such a great extent that it has become a socially acceptable reason for any and all kinds of sexual and non-sexual behavior. I'm sure expert members like Noodle and Cerri can and will expound on my hastily typed answer.

This has me confused too. Mw WW's OM is married and has had multiple affairs, spends his spare time in porn shops and strip joints, and basically just uses people. Yet my wife is still in love with him. She had told me when I found out that if he would have left his wife, she would have gone with him. She says "He grounds me", whatever that means. So here I am meeting all my wife's EN (according to her), working my butt off to rebuild our relationship, being a dedicated parent and provider and I am still second best. It frustrates and confuses me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Hi juke,

I'm sorry you're upset at what your WW said but you know it's all just a bunch of hooey right? We all know too that anyone that is involved with a married person is an...well,you know.So that part is true but a WS is so messed up internally,emotionally,physically and so on that it doesn't make any sense whatesoever.

I,for one,do NOT chosse to be with abusive partners and I know most people do not,men or women.Your WW probably had a little tiff with her OM and she is mad at him for not doing or saying something she wanted from him.As can be expected,this OM,like all OP, WILL fail her,one way or another.Time is the key.

Remember:

"You can't make sense out of nonsense"...so stop trying people! It's a fools game and a huge waste of time.Let the affairees crash and burn.Take care of yourselves.

O

Sorry double post due to slow as molasses cable connection.argh.

<small>[ August 26, 2004, 01:47 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Juke, I'm going to chase you around this forum suggesting you find a way to lose some of your anger.

It doesn't be released on the person/s that gave it to you. I just needs to be released. Anger turned inward is a burr on your soul and makes you depressed. Go beat the hell out of a tree or something.

GC

Cyn1018 - I am sorry for your situation. I would love to meet a good hearted woman some day. i know not all women are like that I just keep hearing that saying "nice guys finish last in my head". I am last to her. Garbage, nothing, etc. Unless she can muster up the strength to come home. Like it was so fricking horrible. She can't even think of one bad memory of me.

Cymanca- She definately isn't putting the jerk on a pedastal anymore, but was in the beginning. She used to tell friends how GREAT he was etc. LOL. Now he is mega [censored]. I knew that was coming eventually. I didn't like him even before I had a clue what was happening. Actually, nothing had happened yet. you are right about tv's influence, but how gullible do they have to be to buy into that crap?

lostboy- Yep. Exactly hat I am talking about. Like it's exciting to be with a jerk or something. Maybe they feel that jerks are better protectors to them? She will realize how great u r eventually. Hopefully u can still stand her by that point.

Octobergirl - She has talked negatively about him for over a month now, but where is she? With him. It amazes me how she doesn't up and leave him right away yet she left me at the drop of a fricking hat. that upsets me deeply. Despite total betrayal I have offered to take her back, do not yell at her, and have hardly said anything cruel over the last few months, but I am still second choice.

Don't beat the he** out of a tree.Poor,poor tree.GC,shame on you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Juke,

Get one of those boxing/punching bags,you know,that you can hang from your garage ceiling,paint a picture of your perceived image of the OM on it and go to town.THAT is a good way to release some steam.

Good luck.

O

CG- I will beat the hell out of something , but suggesting a tree makes me wonder if u like me or not. LOL . hey, thanks for the help thru this mess and I truly hope and pray that your situation works out 4 u. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Unfortunately I wasn't introduced to my H's ******* tendencies until now. He was my picture perfect husband, someone I love (and now miss) dearly until he decided to F&#^ another woman...now he has become verbally abusive, angry, and a complete stranger to me. I am not sure what to do...certainly don't want the stranger but do miss the caring husband he used to be.

Me: 28 yo faithful wife who feels like a toy that H became bored with and went shopping and found a new toy to play with.

Him: 30 yo unfaithful H who has treated me like complete **** these past few months after 3 amazing years of marriage and 5 wonderful years of memories; had affair for 4 months last fall, ended it, and now has started a new relationship with another woman...ugh.

I can't help to maintain hope that the man I do love and cherish returns but there is no way in HELL that I'll take back this jerk he has become.

Juke,

Your WW is MESSED UP.She talks negatively about OM because he is a user and is involved with a MARRIED WOMAN.They WILL fail each other and your WW is going to realize that soon enough and she will crash and burn because she will have lost you and the OM,not that he amounts to much.

I know you are hurting but until you truly grasp that this is ALL of your WW's making and stop taking blame for what she is choosing right now,you will be drawn into her web of sickness.NOTHING you could have said or done would change this outcome.Understand? No matter if you were the best husband in the world or abused her,SHE has made the decison to choose adultery to fill in voids and solve problems.This is NEVER the choice to be made about ANYTHING.

You cannot be second choice if you allow yourself to be looked at that way.Think about it.Second choice based on WHAT?? You cannot be relegated to a second anything by a woman who is disturbed right now.In the grand scheme of things in your WW's world,first,seconds,thirds and lasts don't amount to an equal and fair distribution.This is not a fair game or reality based situation.You are not in a competition for your WW's love.This is all about her instability and her poor choices.That is all.

O

Well put Octobergirl! I needed some reality slapped in my face today. Thank you! I am internalizing and thinking like, what if I had done this or that again. I need to just let her crash and burn and maybe after that she will be her complete self again. She is getting close to that point. I am thinking that the D may be a good thing for now just to protect myself and give a reality check to her. The house will be mine only on Tues., the stuff is divided etc.

You said that she had abusive parents. That might have something to do with it.

I can only asy from my experiance, no matter how far I try to run away from the abuse I went through as a child I'm constantly reliving it with the men I've chosen to be with. Whenever there was a good one I would try and mess things up because for some reason I still can't believe that that life can exist without a ton of drama. At least in my little world I guess.

kjb23 - You weren't the toy, these other women are. He had something meaningful with you, but doesn't appreciate it now. He will at some point.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Octobergirl:
<strong> This is all about her instability and her poor choices.That is all.

O </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OCTOBER IS ONE OF MY 12 FAVORITE MONTHS!
Great statement and it really does help to hear it.

I wish I could etch those words permanently into my brain somehow.

*my son just walked by and said..
"I love you both no matter what
and pointed his finger at me,he's only 6....what are they putting in the water?

Yes, Juke don't internalize this crap. My W is In Love with a guy who I think just moved out of his mom's house, if I start comparing him to me I would get depressed big time. When I met him he was wearing a back pack and he looked like a high school kid. I get sick even thinking about it!

"But he is such a religious-GOD fearing nice person, you'd really like him if you got to know em"

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

To me he is a scrawny little, sawed off, spoiled puney, jerk stupid enough to risk his life and date my W..not that I would kill him, but if her fell backwards on a knife say 40 or 50 times I wouldnt feel the least bit sorry. The bottom-line is I'm not married to him, I'm married to her and she is the one who chooses for her to be in that R, not him or I.

Those are some sour apples to swallow, but oh so true. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

<small>[ August 26, 2004, 02:34 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

Mission accomplished. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Juke -
You need to RUN to the bookstore and buy "Women Who love Too Much". It talks about this very thing.
It is partially a throw back from her relationship with her own abusive parents, and partially a desire to "fix" him.
another big issue is her desire to control that relationship. Sounds a little weird but - women who "Love Too Much" as in - "loving" an abusive man, live under the delusion that they can fix him, and fix the relationship, as if they actually have some control over him. Especially if she came from an abusive home herself - she hopes to fix what is wrong in her life, and if she can fix this one person - this one relationship - then she will be successful. of course, you and I know that this man is not interested in being fixed and he will eventaully get tired of her trying.
Do read that book.
Do NOT try to make her read it. I know what you are thinking - you want to get the book and leave it in her car, or mail it in a plain brown wrapper in the hope of "fixing" her. She isn't ready for that yet. She will be later - but not yet. For now, read the book yourself. I think it will help you too feel less angry with her.
If you can't find it, let me know. I bought mine from amazon.com.

Yeah, OW thinks that now because H is with her he would never cheat on her or lie to her. Because of her he is now happy because he was so unhappy with me. And of course H thinks the same about her. Two parasites feeding off of each other.

Ivory- that makes sense. Like my WW sabatoged a good thing for the same reason. But how could she last 5 years? you should go to counseling to work thru that so u stay away from the jerks in the future and avoid this kind of pain.