WW has had NC for a month now, which started 4 days after I confronted her. She said they were ending the A to go back to the M's "for the kids" but that she wasn't ready to jump back into bed an "be married" again. She says she has been emotionally divorced from me for over a year.

I have been Plan Aing, even though the affair is over and NC. I believe the NC, I have been snooping. I still call it a Plan A even though the A is over because it's certainly not recovery yet. I have been trying to connect with her and do simple loving and caring things that I did before we were having troubles. Sometimes WW appreciates them and says thank you, but other times ignores them. Example: Se was away on business last weekend and flew home in the middle of the day. I bought her flowers and put them on the bed she's been sleeping in in the guest room with a welcome back card signed from me and our D. She never said thank you and the flowers ended up on the floor. Granted our 2.5 y/o D was playing with them and that's how they ended up on the floor, but it seemed so insensative to not put them in water or the very least get them off the floor.

I asked WW if I was out of line in buying her flowers welcoming her home. She said it just seems so "forced". Putting the A aside, she feels she needs to figure out what she wants. Basicly she has not committed to working on our marriage. I am trying to be more caring towards her etc. as if we were working on the M, but there is literally no response from her.

It so hard to know if I am pushing her away from me while I am trying to get closer to her. I don't even know where I stand with her!

I've read posts where you may not be able to make deposits in WS LB in Plan A, but your changes are noticed. I'm trying to change to make her want to rebuild the M, but I feel like it's falling on deaf ears. I wawnt to do nice things for her, gifts, extra little things around the house etc (though nothing that I don't think I can keep up forever). It's just so hard to be patient! It's hard to keep at it when there is ZERO return of the effort!

Any advice to help me stay on the path?

<small>[ August 26, 2004, 01:28 PM: Message edited by: Nemo16 ]</small>

It's worth it even if it doesn't "work", how's that?

GC

I would probably stay away from massive outpourings of love, but I would definitely do all the little things that you know means 'love' to your W.
Regardless if she responds to them or not, you have to put yourself in a 100% giver mode for awhile. She is probably going to need to 'take' for awhile herself.
Listen to what she is saying, she is seeing some stuff as 'forced'... in other words, she sees it as you trying too hard... Do you know your W's primary love language?

nemo..

time for you to get creative...

time for you step up yourself...

time to look dashing...
time to whistle a happy tune under your breathe..
hum a little song here and there...

time to move out her direct line of intrusive romance and go peripheral....

never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever
ask a WS did you like this or that
never ever ever ever


all deeds
all actions

selfless with NO strings attached....

smile at her...
tell her a funny story
or tell her a happy memory...

then move away....

start sentences with statements like..

I just thought that you should know...
that....

there are many times during a day someone says something to me
and you are the first person I think of sharing that with....


then be gone...
If you feel like you are being used in plan a then you need to change your attitude and reasons for "giving" to your spouse....

you have other choices you can chase the WS around thrusting yourself in to their vision and show them your raw pain and hurt the whole time yelling..

LOVE ME LOVE ME LOVE ME LOVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!

They can't take in and proces the reality of the pain of their actions and choices..

they will lash back ...
they will thrust the focus back on to you...
it's YOUR fault!!!!

they strongly feel the need to layer it in blame and more they can bring that blame to you and heap it on your plate the more it alleviates them feeling and seeing the pain they cause in their wake...

better to stay on their peripheral...
better to remove yourself from their line of fire so that when they want to or try to turn this on you...
you are there without blame...

take this time to look as well as your own giving and doing and plan a...
part of this exercise is really learning to give with no strings which is not a skill that will go away once in recovery..it is a great skill to master....

to do for
to be for
someone because of the joy you get out of doing it...

There is NO doubt that you do need a healthy outlet or interest...

use this fact to your advantage as well...
join a new interest or group....
and go...be excited about going...
enjoy yourself....

use your choice to your plan A advantage as well...
pick something that will get your wife's attention but do NOT give back to much detail on what you are doing...
what made you choose this new activity....

take a summer college class...

TAKE AN ART CLASS (male or female....)
you think it wouldn't grab my attention if my spouse suddenly started taking a sculpting class...
I'd be intrigued up to the gills!!!!!!!!!!

take a wine tasting class...

take cake decorating...!!!!!!!!!!

or a cooking class..nothing fills a love bank more than a man in an apron....seperating egg whites....

WS know they don't have the "right" to demand to know where you are
or where you are going..and doing
(you let them know where you are going without too much detail...
cause it is exactly the opposite of how they have treated you.....
so they either test the waters to warm up a bit..
or they angrily ask..
use either to your advantage...

judge it yourself..
aloof or receptive to giving them info its your call...

WS are comfortable with the known..

when they know you are home pining and moaning and sulking about the situation it assists them in going to the OP and complaining of the oppressiveness at home...

or bringing blame to yo...

change that oppressiveness and it changes their ability talk about you with the OP..
the more you remove yourself from giving them ammo with the OP...the more the OP and BS must and have to look at themselves..

no longer can they berate the BS cause the BS ain't doing a thing..

this part of the beauty of plan b following plan a...
take the BS out of the equasion and what the he## do they talk about...think about if in no contact...
certainly not the truth of what THEY have done..

time limits in plan a very very important
that's why you CAN do it...
Plan B followed by a really good plan A...

awesome...


ark

ditto ark - very wise advice from a real Lady.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nemo16:
<strong>I asked WW if I was out of line in buying her flowers welcoming her home. She said it just seems so "forced".</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This was what ark was answering, I believe.

You have to be cool. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

A little aloof. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Even mysterious. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Remember, your wife is on starboard tack. You have to give way. This doesn't mean a port tacker has no options. Get creative. Look for pressure on the other side of the course.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

WAT

I agree with the previous message as you can't 'force' anything on a woman...remember that women also like a challenge...take time out for yourself and occupy your time! Read, excercise, take a class like suggested. I know that you really want to work on the M, however, it takes two for that and you don't want someone to be into it out of pity or guilt. At least you are trying and maybe she will come around. I hate to say it but she sounds very selfish. Trust me..when she sees that you are taking time to focus on SELF, she will take notice and come crawling back! Good luck!

I know which side starboard is.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ark obviously I should since I am an ARK!!!!

Thanks all and I appologize for the late thanks, I've been away for a few days.

The mixed signals we get from our WS's are astounding and downright funny sometimes. From one minute of talking about fairly major family purchases to the next minute of total isolation and acting like they hate us. One minute wanting to redecorate rooms to the next asking if I would move out for a while.

Great advice above and I will keep it in mind. one thing is for sure. The Harleys are right when they say that if you run your course of the plans and there is no reconciliation that you will have no love left for the WS. I'm a very long way for that, but absolutely see how you can end up there.

This is a marathon that I think I can win, but damn it's hard to have the stamina!

<small>[ August 29, 2004, 09:07 PM: Message edited by: Nemo16 ]</small>