I heard my H tell his niece today on the phone that our M is over -- we have no future. What do I do?

I'm so confused. The last time he talked to his favorite sister, he was telling her that he is confused about what to do about our M, that I have good qualities, etc.

So in his mind, is it over or not? He sounded so sure today. He was telling his niece that his transfer to Germany (that he was considering doing alone) doesn't look too likely anymore. Now he is saying that if it doesn't work out with the transfer, he would like to move together with me back to my hometown. He wants to buy an investment property together - because we both work and have good credit -- and THEN he would tell me that he wants a D. He would then buy me out of the property and continue to invest in properties with a buddy of his there.

He made sure to tell his niece that he would make sure that I am set up alone with my own place before we divorce. He is sure that my mother will take over my life if not. Why does he care if it is over?

Again, he sounded so sure that our M is over. He said that our M is like being in prison and he can't wait to be free. He said that he has lost all of his dreams from when he first moved to this country. He feels that when he is alone again he will once again have the will to do things. I think (or hope) that it has less to do with our 10 year M, and more to do with him having a MLC (he just turned 41).

He told his niece that he thinks that I feel the same way that he does - that I no longer want this M. Only I am waiting for him to break us up because I have no courage -- that I want HIM to be the bad guy. Where does he get this from? Ultimately, I do not want a D, although sometimes it does cross my mind. He said that he does not know when exactly he wants to talk to me about our R. He said that if he brings it up now to me that we will have to separate immediately. He said that he does not want a confrontation and a big argument. He wants to end things amicably. So for now he is just letting things go and go and go until he feels ready to approach me about this.

Please help me someone. I don't know what to do. I feel so hurt from hearing his discussion with his niece today. I felt that my plan A was going pretty well and that he was confused. I though that there might have been a chance still of him wanting to stay married. Now I feel that it is hopeless again. I am beginning to think that this is less about him having an A, and more that there IS no A and he just does not love me anymore.

Here's another question. If the M is over in his mind, why is he letting me meet his ENs? Wouldn't he be in withdrawal? Or is this just part of his master plan to use me to help him to get ahead in the future? What kind of a person would do that? Or does he just look at us now as friends - with benefits?

<small>[ August 26, 2004, 07:43 PM: Message edited by: svb ]</small>

ok, I think its time to quit screwing around. Print this out and walk in there and hand it to him. Tell him you have been going crazy for some time trying to figure out what is wrong and have been taping his phone calls. I don't see that you have any other choice, svb.

Tell him that you don't want to end your marriage, but it is going to end if he continues to keep secrets from you. Does he want to tell you what the problem is so you can work together and solve it?

Hello ML,

I would really like to get this all out in the open with him, but I don't know if I feel ...um... safe bringing up the recordings. I think that things would get pretty hostile pretty quickly.

I don't know, maybe I should just give up at this point. I gave my posting to a friend of mine I've been confiding in. She thinks that it doesn't look too hopeful of a situation. Maybe I should just beat him to the punch and tell him that we should separate -- that I know that he hasn't been happy and that I don't want to live with someone who doesn't love me -- it hurts too much. I would suggest that he find a place of his own right now. Maybe I could do a plan B? I could tell him that I love him and I really don't want our M to end and that he can come back if he changes his mind about us. In the meantime, I can move on with MY life.

shameless bump