The WW is supposed to come home form work tonight so we can start to work on a mediated seperation agreement.

OT: She has my car since hers is broke. Guess who she called for help? ME. I do like fixing stuff, so I took it personal when I could not and had to call the dealer. I did get to leave them a nasty un-called for message. I actually LB my car dealer!

Back to topic: Any-who, the first step is for the $$$. After reading TreeReich's thread {{{{TR}}}}, I think I better start the ball rolling. She is already talking about getting $2,000/month from me for child support. Holy Moly. Even if I live for nothing, that would kill me.

She told me her friend has an apartment above her for $500/month.

I am torn if I should move out. If she moves out, I will have to support her. If I move out, I can get out of this house and all its memoreys. The kids can stay here and I have plenty of space at my folks house to bring the munchkins over for weekends.

I still want my M to work, but she is not budging off her fence. I think a push will help.

I actually think I would feel better if she told me she hated me and wanted to end it today. Well, maybe not, but the grass is mighty green over there.

I actually feel pretty good. Took my second 'mother's little helper' 45 min ago.

Well, I will let you all know in the AM if she came home and how it all went.

Happy Happy, Joy Joy

CTH - Long time no hear. Sorry that things are still not quite right for you and the family. Is your WW still seing OP or has this stopped? You certainly sound much better equipped than you were when I first saw your postings. I assume that you must be making the most of your time in the "zone". Separation is not always easy as I am finding out myself.
Take care and like I keep telling myself, there must be a lesson for us to learn in all of this(so let's make sure we learn it). I really do beleive that we can emerge as better people from this difficult situation.
Mostly, I would like to offer you some moral support and tell you how proud I am of how you are handling things. I'd give you a hug, but that's not the "manly" thing to do <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ August 27, 2004, 04:01 AM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

RM, well, I still visit the zone, but it is getting better. I think I am experiencing grief at the loss of my wife.

Yes, the A is still going strong. My WW has finally decided to go on oral contriceptive, (I had been asking for 1+ years) so now her and the OM can knock boots all night long without having to stop for anything.

They (the WW and OM) think they are doing me a favor by not having a PA until there is legal seperation. Idiots.

As for last night, the WW did not come home until 10:00pm and by then, the A/D was knocking me out, plus I only got 3hrs sleep night before. So we did not work on our 'seperation paperwork'.

We did talk though. She is mad at me because I told her I would not stay at home with the kids while she went out with the OM. I finally said fine, get a baby-sitter. We will see how tonight goes.

Some of the other talk was OK. Just normal married stuff. This duplicity is killing me. I have to do something.

I think I need to leave her. For as long as I have known her, she is never happy were she was. With the exception of the first 1.5 years of our kids life, she has always wanted something else. I bet, if I give her what she is asking for, she will change her mind. But then, will it be too late?

Only risk with that (besides my mental health) is that she may think she 'burned her bridges' with me and will not ever want me back.

I think I will build up my resolve to do leave.

Boy, that is gonna be tough.

Any suggestions? She doesn't sleep in the same bed with me, will not go out on 'dates' with me, does not call when she says she will, still has an EA that I know about and suspect a PA, still uses me to fix her car, pay her bills and do the laundry!

Have I turned a corner?

Why are u leaving? she should be the one to leave. I am having the same exact problem. WW is having EA and contiues to do so even after exposure. I think whe went to get BC pills last night.

You should not leave. She may use that against you. there are issues of abandonment. you should talk to your lawyer.

My atty says no matter how bad it gets in the house DONT LEAVE.

Sounds like she is controlling the situation and you should take a stand for you and your kids.

The reason I think I should leave is that she has no place to go. I guess I should just say tough cookies, but then I will have to pay her. I think if I had to pay her is would really make me mad. Even though I will have to soon enough. Hmmmmmm

I think I agree with you (up goes the roller coaster, down goes the roller coaster) in that I should not leave. It is hard being in that house alone though.

I will mull it over some more and try to see how much strength I have.

let her take the $500 apartment and you pay for it. You should not leave!!! She seems to have things figured out then let her leave. She has somewhere to go. Stop and take a stand as hard as it may be and as much as you dont want to hurt her take a stand.

She will respect you more for taking a stand than rolling over and giving her what she wants.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by canthishelp:
<strong> The reason I think I should leave is that she has no place to go. I guess I should just say tough cookies, but then I will have to pay her. I think if I had to pay her is would really make me mad. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do you have to pay her? Let her move out and the OM can pay her bills. Someone correct me if I am wrong, but if there is no legal seperation or divorce decree, you don't have to do a darn thing.
Michael

PS, talk to a lawyer and find out what your responsibilities would be in your state.
Michael

<small>[ August 27, 2004, 07:57 AM: Message edited by: MichaelinDallas ]</small>

MichaelinDallas, It is such a good story I am glad you asked.

The OM will not move in or support in any way (other than for his pleasure) my WW until there is a legal seperation. He is so nice, ain't he? What morals.

She does not want us to be in the same house, I think.

I will hold out as long as I can and try to get her to leave. I think that will make it get a little 'ugly' but I am OK with that at this point. I can't be a doormat any longer. I still want to be a welcome mat though.

canthishelp -

Before you do ANYTHING, you need to make an appointment with a divorce attorney. Get a recommendation from someone you know. Ask the professional questions that make the difference for you.

Do you know what I think? I think if you move out of that house, with her and the kids in it, you will be paying for it anyway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> PLUS your little tiny hovel of an apartment you will have to stay in. Or you would just go to your parents' house? Can that truly be long-term? My FWH lasted 2 weeks at his parents' house, then got an apartment.

I KNOW it is hart to stay in the house with the memories, I did it too. BUT, this is my home, my H was acting nuts, and my kids needed me and the stability I provide - plus their familiar surroundings.

And this is another thing that pops into my head: if you leave, what if she moves OM in? Or he stays there frequently? First, your kids don't need to see what they will perceive as replacement dad - that will hurt them and anger them, depending on their ages. Second, if you reconcile, how will you feel lying in that bed, sitting on that couch, not knowing what went on while you were gone???

Yeah, you probably will have to support her apartment. Do it bare-bones. AND, make sure those kids get over there every-other weekend, and crash her party and make it very inconvenient for her.

Go see that lawyer, today. You want to be making informed decisions, not just decisions you can "get the courage" to follow through with. It will take more courage to stay and be the MAN you need to be for your kids - their only source of rational thinking in their universe right now!!!

And you absolutely should NOT be home if she wants to go out with OM. "Sorry, honey, but I'm going out with the guys. We are going to have dinner, a beer, and watch a movie in which EVERYTHING gets blown up - TWICE! Don't wait up."

AND, at least in my state of Idaho, you can usually get written in the separation agreement that you do not want your children exposed to OM. Which means, when they sleep at her place, no OM. When they go hang out with her, no OM. OM cannot go to sporting events, talent shows, conferences, or anything. Now, once the D goes through, the courts usually cannot or will not continue this stipulation - in my state. Which is why it is so important you talk with a lawyer.

And, DO NOT tell her you are going to see a lawyer. Just go. Get some advice on what you can/can't do with the separation agreement, IF you have to pay for the house whether you live in it or not (it usually depends on where the kids live), and if you move out you might not ever have a snowball's chance of getting even 50% custody of those kids. Ever. Because you might really want that in 6 months or a year, if this drags out.

Get educated, do not do anything rash, do not tell your WW you are doing these things, and do not be home if she is going out with OM.

SS

SS, thanks for the advice. I have already spoken to a lawyer and know most of the answers.

I cannot stop her from seeing the OM, she works at night (we hand off the kids when I get home) after I get home and just does not come home. As far as tonight goes, I told her I would not pay for a babysitter, so she is somehow going to. I get screwed either way, becasue if she asks for money to pay, and I do not give it to her, she just takes it from the grocery money and then asks me for money for the grocerys. (our deal was that I pay everything and she buys all the food with the money from her job)

I will most definatly put in the seperation that the OM cannot stay with the WW until the divorce is final. And I never thought about how disgusted I would be if he stayed at our house.

OT: She just called me and wanted me to help her with the seperation papers. It turned into a 15 min conversation. I told her I cannot work on this now becasue I am working. She hung up on me. Before she hung up she told me about having made all the arraingments for the sitter. It is gonna be a rough weekend.

Wish me luck

If you stay in the house, you will maintain as much "control" over certain aspects of your family as possible. First, if you stay in the house and the kids stay there, too, you know they will not be exposed to OM.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I will most definatly put in the seperation that the OM cannot stay with the WW until the divorce is final. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you do this, then when they stay with her, OM cannot be there. If this is violated, like your kids telling you he was there, I believe you can take some type of legal action (restraining order, WW loses custody, something).

Financially, I think you have a better chance of paying LESS if you stay in the house, with primary custody of the kids. THAT is what brought my FWH home faster, I think. He did want his "freedom." But, sitting there, night after night, in a tiny apartment where you can hear everyone coming and going, cars starting and parking, all alone, SUCKED! I think that is your best chance to end the A and get your WW to come out of the fog. Make her leave.

Letting her stay in the house, is just more cake-eating for her. Then, she will have it all! OM, kids, home, you PAYING for a lot of it! What is her downside???

I caution you when you use her PAST, pre-A behavior, to help you make these decisions. Right now, she is not that woman. You need to wrap your brain completely around the fact that she is an alien in a human body right now. What motivated her a year ago, is no longer true. You need to play this out as if your M might not survive. You need to play this SMART, because that is exactly what she is NOT right now.

Either way, it is going to get tight financially. That is what these A's do - they rip apart EVERYTHING that has been built. Trust, family, financial, friends, everything is affected. Don't focus on that. Somehow, you will make it.

Focus on what you want your life to look like in 6 months if she is still hung up on OM. Do you want to be in an apartment with suddenly little to say about what is going on with your kids? Do you want to be their primary source of stability and support in this suddenly crazy world they have found themselves in???

Being the man, if you leave, you might never get back in that house with those kids - that is just how our society is set up these days - right or wrong. Being the man, YOU need to be the one who stays in that house and is the support for those kids. IMVHO.

SS

ps, just fair warning, I have been known to cyber-slap certain individuals who seem to be having very wrong-thinking on critical issues. So, save yourself some hurt, and think about what I am saying to you. K? K? K? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I have to agree with everyone else here. SHE is the one who wants a different life. Let HER make that move. Allow her to face the consequences of her actions, her decisions. How can she face any consequences if you don't let her have any? She needs to know what it's like w/o everything that is so convenient for her right now.

SS, thanks for the tips.

Unless I really screw this up, I should be able to stay in the house. I am going to fight like crazy for that. I am trying to make sense of this sensless situation.

The kicker is if I have to move to Detroit for my job. I plan on quiting if I have to and I hope I have another job by then.

If not, its back to noodle roni's for breakfast lunch and dinner. That would help get the weight up!

CTH - I agree with the advice that you have been receiving from the others. Why should you move out, especially since you may have that used against you. I am not sure if anyone has suggested it, but it may be worth keeping a diary of your spouses movements, it could help you in court at a later date. If you are worried about your spouse thinking that you will never forgive her / leave the door to reconcilliation open, I think that you need to let her know that whilst you will not condone her current behaviour you are open to reconcilliation if she is serious about it. Others like ark and orchid will give you great advice on how to do this without appearing to be a doormat. So if that's a concern start a thread and ask for advice..
Keep talking / posting buddy.

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 06:13 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>