Hello everyone:

I need encouragement. I wrote a couple of days ago about my husband of 17 years who left me and our two teenage daughters last week. I suspected that he is having an affair, but I asked him if he was seeing someone and he said no. I also asked him if we are just taking a break from each other, or are we breaking up. He says based on our last conversation before he left, that he considered himself in the mode of breaking up with me and not just taking a break.

Just for background, our last conversation as he was packing his clothes and other things was very heated. He told our girls as he was leaving that he will never put them through this again. He also said to them that your mom and I are separating. He told them he came back in March and tried to give our marriage one last chance (although no counseling took place) and that he could no longer do this. I immediately said to him to tell the girls the truth, that we are divorcing and that I was going to file in September and be done with him by November. I also told him not to consider a 6 month or 1 year lease on his apartment, but to make it a permanent move. I regret that I ever said these things, as now he is using them against me to continue to feed his anger for me and thus stay away longer.

I wrote earlier that I know I have a problemm with my tongue, and this time I think I said things to him that would not allow him to even consider reconciling with me. He says that he will come and get the rest of his things this weekend. However, the day he left he was hesitant to take all his belongings and he seems to be prolonging his move this time - in February he took everything in one night. Should I still hold out that one day we will reconcile? I have spoken with him four times since he left last week. I told him that I hired someone to do the lawn, but he insisted that he wanted to continue cutting the lawn on a weekly basis. He also insisted that he put me on his insurance coverage (as I just left my last job and my health insurance coverage was canceled) and he would pay the premium. If he is serious about breaking up, why is he doing these things? Is it out of guilt? He also assured our girls that he would continue to pay other household expenses including the mortgage, so that we would not have to move, especially during our oldest daughter's senior year in high school.

So, he told me that he did not leave me for another woman, but just for peace of mind as he is working in a very stressful position and does not feel he should fight a battle on two fronts (home and work). He also found out recently that he has a number of health issues related to his being overweight (type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol). <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I have been trying to keep a positive outlook and consider this separation as a time for me to examine myself and improve myself. I don't blame him for all of this totally as I know I have contributed to his need to separate from me right now. I just know that I love him and want him as part of my life right now. I am willing to wait and work on improving myself, but I feel sometime that I will be waiting for nothing. I still can't believe he is willing to throw away so many years together (married for 17 but have been with him for most of my life - since I was 16 and now in my 40's) at the expense of his peace of mind.

Help me to understand. I really need a male perspective to determine if this is a situation they have been in - I know he loves me, but he is fearful that I will not change, even after a separation - as this is the second time we have separated this year. Someone please give me some insight ----

This is all about the OW. You should start in Plan A. Read all about it on my signature line.

First things first - are you sure you have identified all the bad juju you brought to the marriage? Is it only your "tongue"? Please take a critical introspective look and ID all the things he may criticize - even trivial ones.

Now, tell us all the reasons another woman may be involved. He certainly displays some of the characteristics, but you haven't indicated a sure thing.

Believer:

Thanks for your response. I am familiar with Plan A - I have read it and I have read many posts on this website regarding the execution of the plan. My issue is that I believe my husband when he says there is no other woman involved. I do not see any evidence of it other than his moving out in order to get peace of mind. I guess you really have to know me - I can be impossible at times, and lately I know that I have been. Short of stalking him or hiring a private investigator to get proof of the EA I don't know what else to believe. I know many of his co-workers and they attest to the fact that he is alwasys at work and spends long hours after regular work hours - he works as a principal in the public school system. He calls our girls every night, and he is also taking some courses.

If he really is not involved with someone else, how do I handle the situation? Should I just give him some time to cool off and then suggest counseling and start seeing each other as friends? I am desparate and probably in denial as well --

To worthatry

Thanks for your reply. I have been with my husband since I was 16 years old. I guess the other juju as you say that I may have brought to the marriage is my insecurities about men leaving my life. My parents divorced when I was 13 and I was really hurt as I am the youngest girl of 8 kids. I was also the biggest "daddy's girl." I know that some of the baggage I bring is fear of abandonment by another male in my life. My father moved far away after the divorce and I saw him very infrequently, maybe once a year after that time. He died in 2002. So, I know I place too much emphasis on my husband to meet all my needs when I know deep down inside that I have this insecurity.

I am seeking counseling, included visiting this sight to gain valuable insight into why my husband feels the pressure of all these things in a marriage, and why he has chosen to separate at this time.

My thought, as I said before, is to let him have his space and maybe one day he will realize that I am not such a bad person and want to come back and try it again. I have to really show him that I can be happy with myself and he will not feel the pressure or the disappointment of not meeting my needs. It just really hurts that he told me he is in "break up mode" and not just needing a "break." I'm determined to give him his space and am assured that he will change his mind and want to reconcile at some point. He also said as he was leaving last week that he thought he came back too soon when he left in February (he only moved out for 3 weeks and was back my March). He came back to me in tears and said he missed me horribly and wanted to try to work it out with me could not take the tongue lashings and my insecurities anymore. However, he was back from March to August and I started in on him again at the end of July - just nagging due to my insecurities - so he left last week. I know I probably deserve not to have him. I am now reading a book about the Law of Attraction which describes that you will attract in your life the very thing that you fear. My fear was that he would leave me, and he did.

How do I cope knowing that I have caused this situation? Should I leave him alone and allow him to reflect and get his peace of mind? He says he wants to maintain contact with me and he even commented the other day in one of our conversations that he appreciated my tone of voice and calmness during our conversation. The week prior to him leaving, we could not have a decent conversation without arguing - due to my unfounded accusations.

Where do I go from here, other than continuing to work on myself and allowing him to get his focus?