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#1177946 08/26/04 08:28 PM
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I go away for a while and I find my thread way over on page 11 of this board. How soon I'm forgotten! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> So rather than retrieve that one, I'll start a new one...

Actually, it's really sad to see how fast this board moves and how many people are on here. There is a LOT of pain in the world caused by the stupidity and heartlessness of infidelity.

I haven't been on much lately between getting DS situated in college, getting DD back in school, and being busier at work. What little time I've had has been spent mostly on D/D board (since that's what I'm doing), but I do lurk a little over here still.

The roller coaster ride just never seems to end. It's just a different coaster now. WH turned VERY ugly once he figured out I changed the locks. We can't have a decent conversation about anything(transportation for DD from school, since she's out at noon each day, much to my dismay), who gets what from the house, etc.

So, I ended up talking with OW. It's painful, but probably no more so than talking with WH. At least she's not yelling or cursing at me. And I have to accept that this is the way things are, whether I really like it or not.

I just wanted to comment on something I thought would never be the case (never say never in these A situations).

Committed made the following comment on my previous thread:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do NOT participate in his drama ...he is going to start a guilt trip on you. I can imagine that the OW will start pressuring him for marriage talk now that you have filed. Be prepared. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I figured the guilt trip would come and it has--not about filing but just in general, everything that happens in his eyes is me trying to screw him over, and he's angry 24/7.

But the real kicker is the last part about the M talk.

He said he'd NEVER, EVER get married again. NEVER to her. She said she'd NEVER ever get married again either.

So I was dropping some things off to OW at the apartment this morning after WH went to work and picking up my child support check (all future ones will come through the courts) and discussing DD spending some time on Labor Day over there and how she might get along with OW's kids, and OW says something to this effect:

"DD is welcome over here at any time; however, she needs to understand that if things continue to go the way they're going with WH and me, it's very possible DD will have younger siblings(referring to OW's daughters, I assume, insinuating that she and WH may get married)."

My jaw about hit the floor. They do move fast considering back just a couple months ago he told me he HAD to move in with her only because he couldn't afford the apartment on his own and I wouldn't let him move back in the house until he'd proved himself to be changed.

Who knows ultimately what may happen. They still have that small technicality of OW still being married at this point, but I'm sure that will be remedied shortly. Her H has been living with another woman since shortly after they split up.

I've shed more tears in the two weeks since I filed than I have in the last several months prior. I still have the issues with God hating D, but right now I am comfortable with the decision I made.

I am very against D. It is so destructive to all parties involved. If the A was the only issue and WH had been a perfect Christian prior to it, I'd still probably be waiting on him to de-fog. But because there are so many little "extras" in our situation, and because I really do fear for my finances, I taking a different path.

I really do appreciate all the people who have been willing to hang in here with me through this messy situation. I probably will do my main posting over at D/D but will still pop in here from time to time (so beware!).

LL

<small>[ August 26, 2004, 09:29 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

#1177947 08/26/04 09:09 PM
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It was great to hear from you. Thanks for giving us all an update. I have been thinking about you a lot lately.

Keep on keeping on. Time heals everything.

SS

#1177948 08/26/04 09:18 PM
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ll:

I'm sorry 2 hear that this nonsense continues.

"it's very possible DD will have younger siblings'

It would be nice 2 point out 2 people like this that... ...that ain't siblings!

IF your kids accept hers as their stepsisters or brothers, that's their business, of course, but even in amicable si2ations like that, they don't suddenly become or replace the real thing.

persevere,
-ol' 2long

#1177949 08/27/04 02:32 AM
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Dear LL,

I was thinking of you 2 for another reason - on Monday I went to Paris on a business trip with my H. I spent some time alone while he was at a meeting there and as I was walking through Paris I kept thinking of you & wished I could have beamed you up to have a stroll with me and knock the socks off your H by saying hey, did you see that some nut threw pink paint out of one of the turrets of the Sacré Coeur church?
But as the 2 of you are no longer on speaking terms that's just a fantasy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

I wouldn't bother about God's opinion on a D. In fact, I have read several times on this site's postings that adultry IS a reason for divorce in the eyes of God. Just like not "consuming" the M is a valuable reason for D, even for the Pope!

On the other hand I don't think things happen for no reason at all. God might be giving you another chance at life, freeing you from a H that is dragging you down. Your H had the freedom of choice, like any human being, and he made his choices. But there's no need for you to be dragged down by this along with him. God loves His children. It's us humans that sit in judgement. In the end it's our own internal "judge" that will make up the balance at the end of our lives to decide for ourselves if we are worthy of that never ending love from God. IMHO.

#1177950 08/27/04 02:35 AM
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Another thing my dear... don't mean to shock you.. but couldn't OW have meant with her "younger siblings" remark that she's planning on having a child with your H?

#1177951 08/27/04 09:26 AM
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"DD is welcome over here at any time; however, she needs to understand that if things continue to go the way they're going with WH and me, it's very possible DD will have younger siblings(referring to OW's daughters, I assume, insinuating that she and WH may get married)."

ll,

Nope...I am thinking that she will be having a child with him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Nothing would trap him into marriage quicker than that.

Sad...but true.

Sometimes these WSs are so predictable. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

committed

P.S. I haven't forgotten about you...to be honest I do think about your situation alot. I wish I could help in some way. Some people have to walk the wrong path and drop off before they turn around and take the right one. He's walking. You need to be the one that stays on the right one.

#1177952 08/27/04 09:52 AM
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Another thing my dear... don't mean to shock you.. but couldn't OW have meant with her "younger siblings" remark that she's planning on having a child with your H?

Well, see...that was my first thought. But my WH had a vasectomy 12 years ago, and from personal experience I can attest that it was successful. I also heard that OW had her tubes tied after her last child was born but with her, no one knows for sure.

WH doesn't have insurance to get the V reversed, nor would he, I doubt. I asked him about it years ago when I was sort of thinking maybe we should have another child (he originally had the V during his first A, so she couldn't trap him with a child). He said no way!

So that's why I think she just means her children.

But who knows anymore??

LL

#1177953 08/27/04 10:29 AM
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Hi LL,

I know what you mean about your posts being so far back.The turnover rate here is fast.I think part of the problem is that people on other boards are suggesting that everyone pile on here but that leaves a lot of other's out on their own if they are on the Plan A/B board or JFO,etc.

Anyway,I really do not know how you can talk to the OW like you do.I know you may feel resigned to the fact that WH is off with this person for good now but she doesn't deserve the same air you breathe.Please don't let her demean you by taking up your time and trying to explain her feelings or situation.What gall.Tell her to clam up and that you don't need a shred of info from a co consiprator.Sorry if that's harsh but there is no way in this universe that I would ever allow the homewrecker to say a peep to me without a huge backlash.She knows I loathe her very existence so she is doing the right thing by staying FAR WAY from me.Kids or no kids,she has no rights whatsoever and never will.

It isn't any surprise either that the OW and your WH may shack up more "formally" and even consider a child together,not that they would be anywhere near close to any kind of responsible or caring parents.Puke.My WH also had a Vas about 10 years ago.He is going to have a terrible time even contemplating another child(which I don't care to think about,it's SICKENING)since he will already tapped out financially with CS and alimony to me when we D.It's just gross all the way around.

My WH told me that even though I think what the homewrecker and he are doing is disgusting,he says he is doing it for "love" GAG.Can you believe that? More mental hogwash.

Anyway,I'll see you around the D/D board.

O

#1177954 08/27/04 01:39 PM
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As for OW/WH having another child of their own, another reason I don't think he'd reverse the Vas is because they haven't enough $ to think about raising another one.

But on to other fun stuff: DD is currently "hanging out" with OW for the first time. I don't like it, but realize it's not mine to decide. Today was WH's (and by default, OW's--because she doesn't work) turn to pick up DD from school.

DD has never met her before and wasn't looking forward to it. But I got a call shortly after school was out, from OW's cell, with DD saying they were going to "hang out" for a while and she'd be home around 4pm. UGH! I'm so afraid DD will decide she likes them better because they have no rules and will decide to live with them and not me. And then I'd have to pay my drunken WH child support and would lose everything! Wouldn't that just about take the cake!!

I pray that doesn't happen, but she's 15 and is of legal age to decide who she wants to live with.

LL

#1177955 08/27/04 03:05 PM
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LL- Unfortunately you can probably count on that happening. That is the way teenagers are. My stepdaughter went to live with her mom when we put down rules. And her mom had never been in her life except for a visit every 3 to 4 months.

My son, when he turned 18, decided to go live with his father in Oregon. And his dad had been out of son's life since he was 5. Luckily he came back home in 6 months, but I was sure upset (although I didn't let him know).

So be prepared. Maybe you can get it written into the D that your children continue to live with you.

#1177956 08/27/04 09:33 PM
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Wish my WH would hurry up and sign the orders for temporary matters. We have to get them filed before Sept 7th or we have to go to the hearing (and costs more $).

In the orders, along with establishing temporary child support and stating that I have temporary sole possession of the house, it states that I also have primary custody of DD.

Of course this is all only good until the DV is final, which will be around the end of November if no one contests anything, but maybe by then I'll be more confident that she will stay with me.

LL

#1177957 08/30/04 09:45 AM
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LL, hope you do well and your DD is staying home. Prayers for you.

#1177958 09/04/04 05:21 PM
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Well.... dang.

Lordslady, about six months ago I decided to check up on three people picked pretty much at random. These were folks who were working with either JC or SH, and who were resisting going into Plan B. My theory was that if they didn't go into Plan B, they'd either be in an unending pain of permanent Plan A -- or they would be divorcing.

I didn't want to be right.

So far there's one of each. WalkingOnEggs is still living in pain. And you're heading for divorce.

I'm finding this to be very sad, even though I'm not surprised.

#1177959 09/04/04 09:24 PM
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LL

You sound strong. Good on ya.

I could not converse with OM like you do with OW. Though not a violent man by nature, I'm very good at it and despise the graphic images my imagination takes me to when I consider such an encounter. One more thing to pray about before I go to sleep tonight.

Given your husbands alcoholism/meth consumption and pornography production, could you not present a valid case to family court to compel DD to reside with you? I feel it's your duty.

#1177960 09/04/04 10:00 PM
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Just J,

True...no Plan B. I'm not sure it would have made a difference. Maybe it would have--if I didn't know what he was up to, maybe I wouldn't be afraid of what he might do to my finances. Right or wrong, that's one of the things that jump-started my path toward D--his threats about financial matters and the knowing that he could get in a DWI accident/incident and all our assets could be taken because they're joint as long as we're M. Maybe that's not trusting God, but I've worked hard to get where I am, and I'm not ready to lose it all to his stupidity. I don't think God wants me to be stupid.

I love him still--not in a romantic way at this point--but I wish no harm on him. I want him to pull himself together and stop the drinking, the drugs, the A...but right now it's not happening and doesn't look like it will anytime soon.

Would Plan B have pulled him off the fence? I can honestly say I doubt it (because he's not really on a fence). I meet virtually none of his needs, so if I weren't there, I don't think it would have been a big deal. The longer this has gone on, the further he's pulled away from me. I don't think his commitment to OW is that strong, but I think he feels "obligated" now to stay, because he chose her and it would be embarassing to come back (he's BIG on pride), and I think he feels obligated to being there for her kids (and frankly, I think he's sort of fallen for her baby).

Would my love for him have stayed stronger in Plan B? Probably, because I would have lived on fantasies. But I've seen reality during all this. It's heartbreaking. But it's real. Had I been in Plan B in June when he asked to come back home and live, I probably would have taken him back in a flash. And guess what--he wasn't done with OW, he was still "using"...he just wanted creature comforts. As soon as I told him "no", that I had to see proof of change BEFORE I'd let him back (i.e., live on his own for a few weeks with NO OW and NO substance), he immediately rented the apartment with OW and moved further along his path.

I sometimes regret filing for D because I hate admitting that I gave up, threw in the towel, surrendered. But I'm not referring to Plan B there. I know myself well enough that I could have gone on for years...maybe forever, not filing...but just staying single/married and living as I was. It would have been miserable, because it's being in limbo. But I could have done it. I've read about women who have lived their whole lives separated and just prayed for their WH...for decades.

I was weak. I gave in early. If miracles happen and he leaves OW turns back to God, and gets treatment for his addictions, and he's still interested in me and I haven't moved on (and I have no immediate plans of jumping into the dating scene), there is no law saying we couldn't remarry. But right now I feel much more at peace and much safer with this decision.


Binder,

Right now my DD is content to just "hang out" with WH and OW. I will have to cope with that. OW picks her up from school every other day (and generally buys her a pack of cigarettes before she drops her off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ).

But yes, if DD decided she was going to go live with them, I think I'd have to pull out all the stops to prove to a judge that it wasn't in her best interests. I'm not sure how many of WH's booze buddies would actually be truthful under oath, but I figure DD's therapist, her school, etc, could testify that I am the ONLY one involved in her care, and that he's never come with us to any of the appointments, etc, even when we were together.

LL

<small>[ September 05, 2004, 02:02 AM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

#1177961 09/05/04 06:56 AM
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In response to the question of whether Plan B would have made a difference in your case...

I may be wrong, but I believe Steve Harley makes clear that, as long as the person is actively involved in some type of an addiction, the MB principles will have no effect. Mine and WH's last MC made the exact same point. He said that the addiction feeds the A and the A feeds the addiction. In my WH's case, as with Lordslady's WH, it was alcohol.

Regards,

Brit's Brat/BS-43
XH-45
DS-almost 3
Status: D-Day May 01, Divorce final May 04.

#1177962 09/05/04 12:58 PM
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I suspect Just J's point on Plan B (and my not doing it and ending up i Plan D) is that if I were in a Plan B, I'd have not drained my LB so quickly and could have waited much longer for WH to come around...be it from OW or alcohol or whatever.

In that sense, it might have been successful--helping me to wait longer. But there is no guarantee WH will ever give up his addictions (of which alcohol is king, but there are other harmful ones as well...drugs in general, a need to look at really hard-core porn...). I pray for him--that he'll wake up before the stuff kills him. But right now, that's about all I can do.

LL

<small>[ September 05, 2004, 01:59 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

#1177963 09/06/04 09:18 AM
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Just found out from daughter (who spoke with WH last night about plans to visit them today):

WH took OW to his family reunion this weekend. Ouch! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I know...we're in the process of DV. But we're not yet. Guess I've now been officially replaced. I love his family. It's hard to think they're not my family anymore, after 23 years of knowing them.

Sucky holiday revelation....

LL

#1177964 09/07/04 09:44 AM
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Sending you hugs LL! Sorry about the suckyness.

- Kimmy


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